Suicide Lane

Have you ever had the opportunity to stand in the middle of a bridge, in between the opposing sides of traffic and feel the air whoosh by you? If you haven’t, I am not suggesting you do, but it has been how I have felt the past few months. For those of you who haven’t let me ask you this: have you been in a long car ride and have seen lines and things move but you are just hoping that you make it wherever safely? Maybe this would make more sense.

The feeling that I am getting at is immobility. A lack of ability to move from the location you are at, to a location you wish to go to. Some people would feel it and say that they were stuck, unable to move, yet wanting to grow. Others would say I am in the emergency lane waiting, waiting to move over so I can go to the direction I want to go, and that God wants me to go… that is if they believe in God.

Well that is where I am. Stuck somewhere in the middle, like a new driver, in the suicide lane, in between two lanes, and unable to move. There are things that have to happen in my life that I am unable to share. Some things I am so proud of I wish to shout from roof tops, but cannot. Other things that I am terrified to mention, but know I should. Some things that it just makes sense why I would never mention them on public media.

I do have a private life, which is probably why I have not written much on here lately. My life has been the same for a year: struggling to keep my knee stable from surgery, possibly going into another surgery, MRI’s, Doctors, Work (which I’ve had for 2.3 years), nightmares, church, youth group, Wonderful friends, and best friend. So my life is not perfect but it is the mundane middle class American with trauma. So to keep up with all of this it gets exhausting, expensive and frankly I don’t have time for much else.

I love my church, I love my friends, I love my crazy kids at work, school, home, and church. I love them all. Life just keeps throwing hard things at me that I don’t agree with and I am unsure how to respond. So right now I will stay driving in the middle lane until I find an opening to take my turn and drive, hopefully like a person would who was “Driving Miss Daisy”. That way I could enjoy what I am surrounded by take it in and accomplish driving down one street in the maze of my life. But until then I am stuck in the suicide lane watching people move on.