Refusing Vanity

Here I am again, another December unsure of where I stand. Yes it has been a year from my surgery, a year and a half at my job, and I don't know where it will take me. But alas here I am on this journey of life.

Guess what?! I can run! My knee works well enough tor sprint! I can dance, I love to dance, it creates a type of freedom that I've never expected. You know what else? I'm going to try to ice skate! What I am so excited about is that there is some free time in my life I can accomplish something amazing, but I don't know what.  But whatever it will be, will be amazing, because God made us amazingly complex, and it will be ok.

So what if it is a basic mindset, I survived. I never expected to need surgery at 26. I never expected that I'd date who I have dated in the past few years, and the past few years have been amazing! I've had supportive friends and family, who don't always like to hear me complain, I have people in my life who are rooting for my success, and just like every one else, they do not know what it is! But who cares, life is for the living who strive to do their best.

Here is what I wish to strive for... I want to be successful, not the financially successful that everyone thinks of... You know the kind that rolls around in the dough and flaunts it every where. Yes my car needs a new paint job, but it at least drives, that is the biggest thing!

What I mean by successful is that I want to have a family, be able to support the family by limited means, to be able to budget, to give God what is his and to believe and have faith he will provide for me, and that I will see value in the things I already have. I want to be successful at being generous... WISELY GENEROUS! I want to be able to say yes to exciting adventures, to look through a peephole in the door and say, "There! There my dears, that is where I want to go!". Traveling can be my freedom, just like friendship, family, seclusion, reading is for everybody else, traveling will be mine. To literally escape from the pressures of every day life, where finances are still existing but not staring me in the face. I want to be able to hide and recoup. To say, "hold on" to today and say, "I'll do this later" and be able to pick up what needs to be done a little later and do it, with out regrets.

I think our culture is a demanding culture. One that says I need everything NOW and if I don't get it I am gonna physically, verbally, emotionally do SOMETHING about it. Stop demanding things, take a break, look at the flowers in the spring and their stripes that have danced on the petals that fall to the grass. Look at how the wind flows through the reeds and the sound that it makes as it moves them. How do the trees shake and quiver at the result of turbulence in a brilliantly sunny day? We, our culture has ruined nature and the beauty of it. A society of RUSHING will be a society of numbness to the natural sounds that come from the earth. Stop and enjoy the beauty, It will not be lasting forever, acknowledge the birds the trees, and the everything in between. I don't want a fancy life style, I just want to be free, free from the lies of a culture oppressed by the destruction of humanity.

I feel like sometimes I need to find a hut some place in the middle of no where with a lake, a road and a small village outside of where we live that has a store, with everything that we need. I want to break free of the lies of self satisfaction and breath the fresh air of relaxation and peace with a hope of honesty and trust. Unfortunately my life is this, day to day battle of bills, work, kids, family, friends, free time, me time and a lack of knowing what is next in life. Blinking neon signs that talk to us only exists in movies, and if we are lucky dreams. Right now I wish I had a sign.

I do not wish that my job is as intense as it is, I do not wish kids got that violent, I do not wish any harm to be done to them. What I wish is for them to find hope, and if I am supposed to be the hope for them, there will be a lack of it in the next couple months, because I am unsure of how I should encourage hope. Being verbally abused every day is not a huge thing I like to pursue, my mind is racing, I have nightmares, I cannot sleep, having things thrown at me, coming home and not being able to sleep due to xyz in the house or outside of it. Any time I hear verbal aggression towards another person I either want to curl in a ball and cry or run up and destroy the person, but outside of work it is none of my business.

Being on a verge of breaking down every minute is not fun, and what they do not know is that every day burnt out individuals come to work, working with violent individuals who don't care and are even more demanding than our already demanding culture, and sometimes I just want to say to them they will never succeed in their lives by how they are acting now. I want to be a voice of reason, where none can be found. I want to teach these kids the skills they need. I am finding however, that they don't want to learn, for fear, for lack of empathy, for compassion, for emptiness. The only way I know how to solve those problems is how I have, but I am not allowed, and it would be used against me.

So everyday, I get up say, "You have to do this, for them." James 1: 27, " Religion that is pure and undefiled before God, the Father, is this: to visit orphans and widows in their affliction, and to keep oneself unstained from the world." Empathy? Love? Encouragement? Pain. All of it is caused pain on people, and my job is to understand the pain and care for the pain with out being affected by the worlds I NEED IT NOW standard. So this is what I ask.

God give me the patience to continue my path. Give me strength so I can endure the road. Provide me the hope I need to go through daily struggles of past, present and future. Help me to have you as my crutch, and to survive but not be in survival mode. Help me to be grateful for what I have, who I am with, and where I've come from. Help me to lead and not follow, control my tongue (which I think is a funny spelled word). Teach me resilience and kindness. Teach me generosity. Above all help me show love in an nonjudgmental way that you could only do, because I am right now struggling to stay above water, as I cannot sleep, eat half the time, or focus on things that need to be accomplished, I cannot do these things. Show me love in the deepest of ways, so I can continue providing those with hope who need it. I do not wish to bee known by my job, but by my actions.  My life will not be in vain.

Merry Christmas/Happy New Year... Find something Joyous to celebrate!

Confidence And Strength Are Not My Own

People say that I have strength in me that they wish they had. I can see what they mean, I carry myself like I know where I am supposed to be and what I am supposed to do. However, I do not believe that my expression is an adequate description of who I am.

Overall I am just one terrified creature that does the best that she can in life. I am unsure of where my future goes and not completely sure of whom I am yet. I’m sure 80yr olds feel similar sometimes. Here is the thing though, I tend to be confident in the moment. If some one gives me a reason to doubt who I am, I’d examine it, see if it is an adequate description, and move on however it seems fit.

Most of the time I tend to see it as an opportunity for growth. This has changed over the years. First I’d think, “Oh, they don’t like me!” and go pout about it. Then I looked at it as,  “Why do they like me?” and be really sad for the next day and cry.  Then it turned into anger in which it turned into, “Well if I cant find anything wrong with what I did, which I’ve tried hard to find, they can go dance in their own personal space, I’ll do my own thing”. This is a nicer way to say I stuck my finger in the air and walked away.

People are not always worth your time and many of them break you down instead of building you up. Yes, there are times when the break down of ones character is necessary, but sometimes assessing the situation first will help to know which is better.

I get into a funk every once in a while, sometimes those funks are stupid and pathetic. Like I was buying shoes and I just kind of walked off in an irritated manner. Yes I thought that I’d be out in like a few seconds. Yes, I did have expectations of the other person. Did I discuss those with them? No, so why should I hold that individual accountable for how I felt, I shouldn’t. Sometimes I just need a person to say, “Christine, you need to snap out of it, because you’re treating people like shit.” which is totally true. This is the case of breaking down my character, because I might be portraying an aspect of frustration of mine in a completely inappropriate way. This needs to happen.

What about the aspect of bullying? We are our own worst critics- this is the most honest true statement ever. I am my worst enemy. I battle within myself attempting to fight my alter ego, ego, or me, many times I win, the I is the most correct choice at the time. Sometimes Jackie wins (the alter ego that tries to destroy those who love me the most) which may or may not be needed at the time.

Here is the thing though, people confuse themselves. Are you going to be a light to them to discover who they are, or are you going to be the one who breaks down the good character found in them destroying their future. Build peoples confidence. We already have enough doubt in the world. Find something to believe in and go with it, figure it out so you know what you suck at, what you’re good at, those people who build you up, keep them. Keep the wise counsel that creates a deeper sense of character, who can say “Hey you’re acting like an Ass right now, stubborn and you need to re-evaluate where your life is going”. These people are just as important as the encouragers, who build you up.

They both build on each other. Wise council balances the ego and the pride to be lowered when it gets too high. Encouragers build it up. It’s all about balance.

When I went to Multnomah, I needed council and my life seemed to be distressing and distant, I appreciate, the leaders that took the time to guide me through that aspect of my life, and my friends to say, “It will work out, we serve a faithful God who will guide you through this.”  With out both of them I would not have made it to the supposedly confident person I am today.

At Multnomah I learned to cut out people who dragged me down and said that I wasn’t worth their time, remove myself from devious situations, and say I got this, my bad attitude of F*@# OFF or otherwise known as just being a complete witch, well has gotten me out of my mess. Encouragers, we still need you, wise council don’t ever leave us, because we cannot guide ourselves.

You are all the reason why I am, who I am today. Those who judge us and put us down, through manipulation, abuse, anger, yelling, You will not take our power, I will never give up, and those who are trapped in it I implore you to seek refuge and help, from your mind, the attacker, the abuser, manipulator, and your doubt. Doing nothing won’t allow you to succeed; it will trap you, consume you, and not allow you to escape. Find wise council, and true supportive friends, find out who you are, and let yourself shine, then, and only then will you succeed.

1 Cor 4:3-4
³ I care very little if I am judged by you or by any human court; indeed, I do not even judge myself. ⁴ My conscience is clear, but that does not make me innocent. It is the Lord who judges me.

 

My strength, is not my own. I am not confident in myself, but rather what I believe in.

Priorities

The understandings that we should choose a certain path or that we are on some destiny might be falsely accused by the misrepresentation of humanity. Who knew the mysteries of this earth would be so bountifully misguided or hopefully continued on the hectic path that we call life.

No mysteries ever could relate to the perceptions that we wear through our life. Yes we all have priorities, and taught differently about each thing. Who knew that one path could bring two outcomes. My life's goal should only be to serve our maker. But how is my goal reflected in life?
I have the greatest desire to serve others in broken communities, and to encourage their life long goal of being successful. Those successful, I have little desire to work with or interact with, though I may partner and hope to share success with them.
The rest, too proud to even continue understanding others. Those are the ones I have difficulty with, and yes, I too fit in this bracket. Here are my priorities. What I should have...

God: I should spend time pursuing his word understanding what it means and giving up selfish desires to hope for something not in his will for me, but in his. Mind you I have choices here too, and God warns me when I am misguided. But he is my first priority, or at least he should be.
I know many Christians who have let him be second, third, fourth, fifth, or whatever, who have gone down a more destructive pattern, and maybe I am there too. Who knows. I know not every aspect of my life matches up, but I have a hope and desire to serve God by doing the best I can, which always is less than what he deserves.
My life is not perfect, nor do I expect it to be, we live in a fallen world with sin, destructive patterns and unfortunately humanity, which is falling apart at the seams where God built it. Why did he make us, why did he keep us I will never know, but this is or should be my top priority.

Family: This counts for almost any one who can build me up support me and be my foundation when failing thoughts and miseries surround my daily life. They are my rock, they keep me supported, and I do not always do a well enough job to help them. I might be God's servant, but I am a piece that keeps my family together. I wont sacrifice that for anyone but God, especially if I do not feel right about the situation.

Whats difficult right now is I'm not sure about a situation, of which I actually am curious about. I feel so inspired and so abandoned at the same time. I'm not sure who I'll be or what I'll say when things turn and seasons change. But what I will know and understand is that these happen for a reason, and God will be there as a support. I do not believe he has given up yet.

My family does well in supporting the decisions I make in my life. They may not know every aspect of my life. Some things are better left unspoken and just between you, the other person and God. People don't need to know everything in life, they'd go crazy. Actually try and imagine everything you've ever done and see if you'd want that to be shared. Embarrassing... Right? Though if asked I try to be as honest and open as I can. I believe the majority of my family would agree and support this idea.

Work: This I feel like should also be my second priority, it actually fights family for second place. This is everything that holds my world up. Unfortunately our world is built on a foundation of self worth and finances. What sucks is that we have bills to take up our finances we receive. Paul didn't have this problem, because he was really powerful and then when he converted he didn't have anything and trusted God. Sometimes that's what we need to do, give up our own selfish desires and wander out into the wilderness to find God.  Giving up everything might be a good start, just to find him. That is how the disciples did it. That change was their personal mid-life crisis that changed their lives forever.

Volunteer: This is for any section that comes from giving your time and effort in what you believe in. God asks us to Give our time our energy and sometimes money. This would all be considered tithes and offerings that we contribute to his plan. Why would we volunteer if it didn't have anything to go on as far as materials or biblical foundations? We wouldn't.

See here is the thing, the mysterious lies that we all think are OK, aren't. They do not do any favor toward any one. When they are finally thought about believed we turn it into a huge maze that cannot be won. Sometimes we have to be on our own in order to find all the checkpoints in the maze. In which the turmoil sets in because we are alone, in our flesh, living in an unjust world with a just maker unsure of where to go next.

Tides and Convictions

I’m lost in convictions in the subtle lies, no longer desiring to be by your side. I’m not sure how I feel about this moment in time, but I know things will change throughout the tides. The secret compiles of the mischievous crimes, against the one who saved our lives, can no longer keep us together, and therefore we will be part forever. The bars which I stand behind, I no longer hide, I face the facts that I want you by my side. Which one? I’m not sure.  I wish both, but both would be absurd.

 The subtle convictions in my mind have been consuming thoughts from our ties. Who knew it would come to this? Certainly not I. If I could choose anything in the world, I could not. For now I just exist with out the rot. But yet the corpse is rotting, not able to get up.  And here I stand waiting, unable to breath, untouched.

Where to go from here I am unsure, lost and confused like a bur unknown of its place.

Where would I go? Who can I see? Who can lift up this mystery? I wish I felt his arms around me, to know his love will forever be, not be seen for who he is and what he could be, for he is my maker and my keeper. And still I cannot breath.

I can cry over the things this world can offer, but then I realize I shouldn’t bother. This world will fade away, and no longer remain the same. My ideas of the change will morph on a greater day. As for now I await the tide to open the gates, so I can see the way, no longer believing just in one fate.

You’re still a dear loved one I desire, forever longing to be near. But years that stirred the fire, no longer can be here. What passions were involved, can no longer be, what will be resolved, is something that’s of need. Though you’re still a love I’d always keep, our relationship will be up beat, if we can find a way to keep, ourselves on our knees right by the saviors feet.

It can never be a goodbye; too many things will crumble and cry. I wish there was an easier way, one with out conflictions, convictions or tides. But these are the things that must pass us by.

I’ve fallen into the traps that were set, by humans and beings with lots of fret. Now there might be regret, though what we had was and is still real, we understand a deeper feel:  One of loss sorrow, unsure of tomorrow, freaked out of what the future will swallow, from our lives that we cling to.

Hope is for you and me, no more lonely inquires, but satisfaction rings with beauty from kings.

Please protect our spiritual lives, to be directed to brighter tides: Calmer and steady, Unwavering and ready, to follow you.

My dear one I love you, now and forever. I am excited to see you blossom in your endeavors.

Love,

Well You Know Who….

What's Love Anyway?

There is a blissful understanding that nothing will ever be the same as that moment we are in. We change, we hope, we desire, and those things that drive us to do so don't always get to know how beautiful they are or could be. We just turn our selves inward and don't acknowledge those people who showed so much love and understanding for our lives.

Your captivation upon our hearts and live will drive us to accomplish greater things. One thing I wont say is thank you, because I'll host bitterness with in my heart toward the lack of change I see in you.

Maybe this is the exact reason marriage is so stinking hard, because no matter how hard we try to keep love strong, we realize we are changing, ever so slightly and that change, not only we need to get accustomed to but the other one person in our lives also needs to adjust, maybe it is the drive toward becoming something greater that we forget of the presence of another person. Maybe that is why we leave morph and extinguish the love that once existed... Just like our relationship with God.

He is one I'd like a clearer understanding of, yeah read our bible, but in honesty I just want to sit down and have a face to face conversation with him about life, what his struggles were and how those struggles apply to todays culture, and if certain things are ok and if they aren't.

I've seen the legalistic viewpoints on basic topics like, alcohol, playing card, apparel, hair, and jewelry. I see how some might have mistaken some things to be stricter than what historical biblical foundations were. (Example: woman should be silent). Look into the context, historically woman had no knowledge of what was spoken in the church, and now because of woman having the ability to talk and go to school, having a say and being able to read, we can now speak up. Before men only had the ability to read and interpret the bible. So, women speak up and lead, which happened a few times in the actual biblical text.

Some text I wont ever understand, but here is the thing, if we are devote lovers of Christ and we show his love to others while attempting to understand things said biblically maybe he'll make it known. The only reason we understand the text is because he makes it known. Somethings I know I am not sure about, but if he wants us to know its wrong boy he'll give us warnings, and he'll be able to help us recognize truth in what we read. As long as we are faithful to him.

I love people who are different from me, what's interesting is I find a harder time loving people who are exactly like me, because I find more fault in me than anyone else, which is why bitterness can creep in.
I love a person, I love many, and what is interesting is no matter how angry, how distraught and how terrified I am God gives me strength, because he is the ultimate "love machine". We should be able to withstand the destructive terrors of others because we know we are carrying God's love.

Be who you are, attempt to understand the bible, and pray that he makes it known to you if you doubt aspects of it or are unsure of anything, he can help you understand. But God have mercy on those who think they can judge others with out themselves being judged by God.

And if you take anything away from this,
People are beautiful, lets love them for who they are, or who they could be not what they are doing or how we think they should act, but for them. 

God has the ability to make known to them what they are missing, we as christians can guide with truth, but when truth is contorted and not really expressed the mischievous one has room for doing all sorts of things to screw people over. 

Adult Choices

Well, life is definitely more complicated than it ever was when I was a kid. There are more expectations, which we all crave to hide in our rooms shut and lock the world out. Unfortunately, being an adult means to face it. To gauge the interactions, distance, and boundaries that we need to have with individuals that roam our daily life. Not just individuals but chores of every day life: accounting, time management, relationships, Fun things to do.

Some times I wish I could take back somethings in my life give me a little more freedom than I have. I hate asking for money, and I hate lying about things. Not lying per-say but more like sneaking around the fact that I have no money and just getting by. There are two things in this world that I would love to do. Repay the people whom I've borrowed from, and learn.

If I stop learning I stop growing, experiencing other ideas, about who I am who I want to be. My experiences give me guidance  to be who I want to be, ever so slightly changing my desires and passion to what I pray is God's will for my life. That is what I hope.

What I've noticed, isn't the opposite, it's just not the trail I thought I'd be on. Maybe I just need more patience. But Im getting tired of waiting for the day things will just be alright, that I will possibly have enough to share with others, that I can give things to others in need. That I wont be the one in need any more... This is what I had hoped. Budgeting is not my forte for money, not really is it for time either...

Since my injury my time has been consumed of physical therapy, orthopedic surgeons, and other wondrous doctors. They are all very nice, but when Im done with work I go hang out with these people, who are rather awesome, and tiresome. at about 6:30 I am done, but I don't want to go home - traffic and other disasters await on the road- so I go to friends homes and visit them. This way I can hang out with my friends still having other motivations to just drive up there randomly. Mind you, I do this too. I love my friends, not only here but in the other states.

Our relationships have been built on hardships, understandings, misunderstandings, lazy attitudes, encouragement, above all LOVE. This is the biggest most important thing in my friendships, and no not all mushy gushy, cuddles and kisses, but the love that you would do anything for that persons safety. To preserve their truth and identity, to not represent them when interacting with other, to defend them, at least their character, when they might be wrong about something.

I think though this love has a tight line that could be crossed over to a romantic love. I believe that I have breeched or at least came really close to crossing the line. I don't ever want to hurt this friend or any for that matter. They mean so much to me. I'd protect them in every circumstances, no matter what they were.

I'm in love with this person, I  don't expect people to understand yet, I mean we've hung out but I cannot stop thinking about them 24/7 and if anything ever happened to them I'd be distraught. I know I mess up sometimes, and that I am a terrible person for watching certain movies or listening to certain music, or claiming things that might not be mine to claim. But if I truly loved this person like I think I do.. If they asked I'd do my best to stop.

But I don't even know if it is right... All I know is love is a tricky twisted thing that plays with the strings of the heart and sometimes I'd rather deal with the physical pain of an injury than the pain of a metaphorical heart ripping apart. It may take 12 months to heal from a torn ACL, but it takes a life time to heal from a heart ache. Even when the pain ceases the memory goes on. Fun things aren't as fun, and the ground gets cold and dead, and finally when you're past all that the only thing to live for is what you cant see or touch, but you can feel every day, by the blessings he brings, which might not be so bad, if we weren't consumed with our thoughtless active desires.

I love you, my special person and I wish the complexities in the world wouldn't ruin what we could have, or even what we do. Hopefully it will be safer for us again...
<3 Christine

PS Maybe being an adult is doing things we don't want to do but have to do.

Cracking World

Who is this person who shows many faces; the one behind the curtain? Who is it I am supposed to see, view, hear, control, lie to, hope in, and trust? What’s next in a book of lies?

“I am what you see. I am not sure who I want to be or what to do. All I know is the passions that direct me. My faces are my own and you may have just as many or more. You’re supposed to see me, but you’ll never know the struggle on my insides, no one sees that deep. 

You are only able to control yourself, God gives you this strength. I am uncertain of the other things, but you are strong, you’ll find a way, if you ignore the lies and grip to the truth. “

Do you grip the truth?

We all have doubts, even you. The point is that we will continue to grow and mature to figure out those things we deny and hate about ourselves. Come on you have things too not just me.

I’ll figure it out sure, but I don’t know what to do. I can wear faces just like you; I can pretend it will all be OK. But I won’t know what to do… how to act… What if I turn out to be a hermit and crawl in a hole in this abyss?

I know this will be better. This is barren land filled with heartache for some. That might be what it becomes for me; instead of fighting it, I might start fleeing it. What am I supposed to do? Do you really trust me to do what is necessary? What even are they?

Something that makes you happy, do that. I’ve been doing that recently and it’s helped a lot. You will make it, you’re strong.

My world is cracking and I am unclear on what to do.  I don’t know what I need to do? What could I continue in? I am so afraid of the answer, and who to talk to, what to say or how to act. Guide me in my mistakes, leads, and deeds which are good.

I am not a failure and don’t plan to start now, ugh I just want direction from you and the multiple things that I’ve experienced these past two months make me question everything that aimed to my goal. I want so badly to do something important. What prize should I focus on?

Trust me. Let me in… to all of your darkest corners… We’ll clean out the cobwebs, kill the spiders. I want to shine the flashlight to clear the darkest moment in your life. Will you let me?

Maybe…

I think I am worse than you; I don’t want to look at the Bible because it will prove some of my thinking wrong. My perception of the world will be shattered, which is not something I can do on my own. It requires something keeping the self together, not your own strength, and I don’t think I can do it on my own; I’m just not strong enough. You were my strength and I’m draining it from you. I’m not allowed say this, but I love you.

We say co-dependent relationships are unhealthy, but what about with God?