Insignificance

Who said that we were important? What makes it so that we become so prideful in things that we do? Why should we be prideful in the things of which are wrong?

Manipulation: Could this ever be a good thing?
I've manipulated hearts and changed what they thought of themselves... Gave them pride in things they couldn't control. I took pride in that. Manipulation of peoples minds... Hitler/Stalin... Would I be compared that greatly to a person, who dictated how people were run, gunned down and injured just because the man felt insignificant enough to want power in return? Do I have a Dictator inside of me? YES. We all want control of our lives relationships... and the easiest way to accomplish that goal, if you are me would be MANIPULATION, which I've had pride in.

Independence: What is too much?
A parent of mine wished that I would have less independence. I never knew I had too much. I don't like help from other people. I don't like being dependent on others to give me financial stability. Pride... Yes, being told sometimes that I would be unworthy made me a fighter. The fact that I accomplished what I had set out to do and did not give any credit to the one who let me... That is my pride. I think its all me. Never any one else.
I was doing the dishes the other night... Three people asked me if I needed help. I just had surgery, but I can do things on my own. In my head, I wanted help, what was out spoken was "I got this, I'm really OK." This is the forever lie I always feed my self. Sometimes I cannot continue all alone, but I wont say it -because I am a fighter-only to pretend I am as strong as I want people to believe: that I can do it on my own. Too much independence - PRIDE.

Relationships: I don't understand them OR why people have the desire to set others up.
I want control of this area. Every time it is mine to control I know it doesn't work right or that I change it into a mind game. Whenever a relationship idea created visions in my head and some one initiated the formality of it (normally not me) God would always whisper in my head, "Christine, what are you doing?"
MY RESPONSE: "Ya know what, You're not doing a fantastic job of leading me through my life obviously, and they seem nice. Why not?"  When it was good, its amazing or so it seems, but when its bad manipulations ensue, freak outs from both parties, and it rains destruction. The whispers are still in the back of my head. (Example of James 1:15) Control? It doesn't exist, yet so often we try and grasp the reigns and steer our lives one way or the next with out trust in the one thing that will get us to our passions. (Psalms 37:4) When I try to control it is because of my pride.

God has the last one planned in his time and way. The middle one controlled. The first one changing as I recognized the harm its been creating others.

My pride is causing a lack of humility and intimacy with God. Of course in order to fear God we need to be insignificant, so he can show us how he wants us to be significant. Control is the desire ensued by fear. Our only task is to fear God, which I don't know quite what that means yet, but as I am realizing how small I am and am seeing that he is so much bigger than all of the petty fears I find in myself.

TRUST THROUGH MY INSIGNIFICANCE
Taking away my pride is a change in my thought process, its learning how to be humble, how to trust him, and learning to keep open communication; so I am able to hear what his desires are for me to put them as my own. Becoming one with something is intimacy.

Manipulations: God has brought up things I took pride in, which I've not thought about in years,  and said, "I want you to change your look on this". This  takes trust understanding and humility. The couple things I am working on so there may be more intimacy in my relationship with him.

Independence: God said to me to be honest with others in what you feel, the most important help you can get is being vulnerable in who you really are. Not hiding the things that need to be seen. Allow yourself to let others feed into you. This was noticed through surgery, God broke me and is putting me back together stronger than what I was. Breaking me is sometimes the only way to say, "Christine you cannot do this on your own, realize your friends gifts, show them what they are, allow them to pour into you, because you know and can pour into them because you feel deeply for them."

Relationships: I could brag about these, but there is nothing there. I understood what defiance meant and didn't care. I became reckless in who I was didn't care. Apathy is the opposite of Love, at least in my knowledge. In this area I had an apathy for Christ in this part of my story, which appears to be the most stressful.
He kept saying "RELEASE THE CONTROL!" (Proverbs 16:9, 19:21, Jeremiah 10:23)

I never want to relinquish control to one whom I don't fully understand, but that is where trust comes in. This is the reason why I am unable to move on from past things. Though I know he is the one person who can block my insane stubbornness with unconditional love. Therefore, I've found my true love and passion, him who gives me peace. Philippians 4:7 And the peace of God which surpasses all understanding will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. I give it to you, not just once.

The chaos of these emotions are like waves in the sea, but when he's my ground, I find freedom. A song has been stuck in my head frequently- OCEANS- I am Peter apparently. When I call your name, I'll keep my eyes above the waves, because when the ocean will rise, I will rest in your embrace. I am yours and you are mine. Its beautiful.

Pride needs to be humbled. Control needs to be relinquished for trust. The trust that he loves. (Proverbs 16)

If that is too long it can be summed up to these:
Prov. 16: 18-19 Pride goes before destruction, and a haughty spirit before a fall. It is better to be of lowly spirit with the poor than to divide the spoil with the proud. Whoever gives thought to the word will discover good, and blessed is he who trusts him. 


Continue to make me have insignificance so I will understand the love you provide in such a way I wish to desire nothing less.

Thank you.

Mary-go-round pt 2

We are supposed to love our enemies, but what if we are ourown enemy?

In this life we are not supposed to fear.

Not hold dear to the things which are near.

Not to know but one thing we should fear

GOD.

Who say not to keep those things that we fear near?

Who say we cannot do the things we need to be dear?

Im not afraid of the past

Because that’d just be daft

Not to understand the darkest cast

Brought upon the nearest mast

Freedom

Who determines how freedom has been cast?

Who needs others to show their fear from the past?

I want to be bold

Beyond the furthest hold

Not stopping for their fold

But knowing what I’ve told

Strength

Unknown what the future may hold

Unsure about what others have told

I’d like to be able say to the future

Behold it is not my nature

To show you how I nurture

Others who’ve been butchered

The nearer future

Cannot be butchered

Nor can it be nurtured

Dilemma  

Who knows what it nurtures among the foulest creatures?

Who controls the billows of the nature beyond the future?

Who determines who’s weaker or stronger?

Who creates the length of grandeur?

There is a secret beauty

That lies beneath our vulnerability

The despise beyond the possibility

Creates the curiosity

Challenge

Who can say what we don’t know creates a possibility torespect Thee?

What if we accepted the beauty in the challenge of our curiosity?

Should we take the time to expose

The lullabies with in our souls

Revealing the vulnerabilities

Among the possibilities

That what is held in the future

Is for us to find the nurture

That our father above told

Our family of old

Or the tales of darkest pasts

Can reveal the freeing masts

That we no longer have to fear

But we can draw near

To the one who can free us, God.

Which we can find the strength to fight for our freedom fromthe challenging dilemmas that we face in the future, that we could not find thestrength in ourselves

The double face mask

There is something about it. The S word. No not the swear word. But the one that requires you to go to the hospital... Yeah that one. Surgery.

But before all of that nonsense there are other things that need to be discussed. Seriously, I am normally a reckless person. I expected something like the s word could have no doubt crossed the conversations in the span of my life time. I just didn't expect it to happen then, the prime time of my "young - adulthood". It would've been more expected in my 50s or even 40s. But not when I am 25.

If you've read my blog steadily you may have noted that I graduated in May of 2013, this year and right after finals week I received a call saying I got a job at a particular company that deals with emotionally disturbed youth. I was excited, and it had become my dream to start helping families-before DHS had ripped them apart for understandable reasons. My dream was to work with the level 5's and lower, to teach them skills so they can control anxieties and frustrations and learn to find good supporters that they needed to eventually stand on their own. That was my plan.

Four months into this hope, dream, aspiration of the job I've come to realize that I am not able to perform the duties that I once had, of which I enjoyed so very much. I wasn't being reckless at all; I just merely played a game with the youth I worked with. During this game I did a short stop turn kick and destroyed my ACL (tendon in the knee needed for stabilization... turning, bending, jumping, and running). September 12, 2013 makes me feel like my course has changed even though my aspiration has not. I guess it's another raging river rapid in my life's journey pertaining to my desired life's work.

There is a benefit and a shortcoming to it happening at work. First the benefit, I did not need to pay for practically anything, which I owe every bit of gratitude toward the claim company. My case worker has been kind through my paranoia and has walked with me through much of it even though I’ve only known her for a month. Second the shortcoming, everything takes 20x longer than if it were on my own insurance.

Some people say that I have nothing to complain about, but everyone has their quarrels, so here is my saying. Maybe some of you know what it’s like to have the rug pulled out from under your feet surrounded by a dust storm, not being able to see anything around you. That is how I've felt. It had taken them a month and a half for me to see an orthopedic surgeon. It took another month and a half for them to schedule my surgery. Im still not able to do work or enjoy things that I used to, and I am becoming restless, bored, and frankly done with it all.

After all, what do you do when you are told you cannot work for months and you are almost out of money? Sure they still pay you but at 50-60% of normal, but there are bills: rent, electric, health, car, dental, vision, and renters insurance, electric, credit cards, and the luxury of internet that apparently everyone needs. This means pay checks had a minimal of 50$ for food maybe a little more per month. It meant Adult Life just got Harder and things were put on hold.

I stopped trying to find a home. I couldn't work anymore, couldn't find a desk job, because that would mean I'd lose the financial ability for me to go through with the surgery. I previously lost the ability to control my life, which was God's job any way, though I wished it was mine. I'd like it if he could sometime show me the whole picture instead of just pieces of the puzzle. I don't like putting my life on hold so I can analyze one piece. I'm a busy body, I need to keep moving. If I stop I break down, and its bad.

I used to have anxiety attacks at least two to three times a week at school. Some people said maybe I needed to quit, or that I needed to read the Bible more, or that I just wasn't trusting. These things take time, which unfortunately I have less patience on myself than I do on kids. My anxiety ended when I graduated and went to work. Now that my job is no longer a part of my life for longer than 5 months, it has returned stronger than ever.

There is the fear that paralyzes you with every "worst case scenario" that doctors give you. The fear that is caused by the unknown, creates doubt and sickness in the hopes and dreams that have been created previously. Evidently, these all turn to darkness so the only-thing one feels is the anxiety and the lack of hope that anything will be right again.

Questions I have had in my mind: How is this going to help my future goal? Will my job sack me? Will they wish to move me to another location? Do they like me? Will they trust me for what I have to say? Is my dream valid for what God wants me to do? Will I be able to change it if it is not his desire for me to have this goal? What is his desire for my life? And how can I do my best with what I've been given... esp. when I feel like I've been given nothing? Do I trust you to protect me when I am afraid? How can I when I don’t even remember certain things, or you are not here?

I’m currently on Percocet which apparently changes the mood of who you are. I was finally at peace when I was taking between 8-10 a day. Now, I take 4-8 a day depending on how much pain I feel. I've also noticed it helps calm my nerves. Counterproductive when attempting to safely get off of it. So my desire is to effectively get off of it and not be in a constant state of panic. This is what paralyzes me.

I don't know how to explain it, but I am unable to provide a constant state of peaceful relaxation with the events that have occurred. The fact that I am unsure of where I will be going in a year creates the challenges of the unknown. My friends will be leaving in May and that creates an even greater stressor. So what do I decide to do? Move.

The hope of purchasing a home was fulfilled. I'm currently in the process of closing on a home that is further away from the school and the people that I am used to seeing on a regular basis. The thing I fear with this endeavor is being cut off from people; being alone. I've never liked being on my own, but I've been able to learn how to be independent due to how I've grown up. The part of where I am in my life makes me nervous of what I should become. So this is who I am an overwhelmed unsure person who doesn't know the direction they need to go. Yeah.