Here I am again, another December unsure of where I stand. Yes it has been a year from my surgery, a year and a half at my job, and I don't know where it will take me. But alas here I am on this journey of life.
Guess what?! I can run! My knee works well enough tor sprint! I can dance, I love to dance, it creates a type of freedom that I've never expected. You know what else? I'm going to try to ice skate! What I am so excited about is that there is some free time in my life I can accomplish something amazing, but I don't know what. But whatever it will be, will be amazing, because God made us amazingly complex, and it will be ok.
So what if it is a basic mindset, I survived. I never expected to need surgery at 26. I never expected that I'd date who I have dated in the past few years, and the past few years have been amazing! I've had supportive friends and family, who don't always like to hear me complain, I have people in my life who are rooting for my success, and just like every one else, they do not know what it is! But who cares, life is for the living who strive to do their best.
Here is what I wish to strive for... I want to be successful, not the financially successful that everyone thinks of... You know the kind that rolls around in the dough and flaunts it every where. Yes my car needs a new paint job, but it at least drives, that is the biggest thing!
What I mean by successful is that I want to have a family, be able to support the family by limited means, to be able to budget, to give God what is his and to believe and have faith he will provide for me, and that I will see value in the things I already have. I want to be successful at being generous... WISELY GENEROUS! I want to be able to say yes to exciting adventures, to look through a peephole in the door and say, "There! There my dears, that is where I want to go!". Traveling can be my freedom, just like friendship, family, seclusion, reading is for everybody else, traveling will be mine. To literally escape from the pressures of every day life, where finances are still existing but not staring me in the face. I want to be able to hide and recoup. To say, "hold on" to today and say, "I'll do this later" and be able to pick up what needs to be done a little later and do it, with out regrets.
I think our culture is a demanding culture. One that says I need everything NOW and if I don't get it I am gonna physically, verbally, emotionally do SOMETHING about it. Stop demanding things, take a break, look at the flowers in the spring and their stripes that have danced on the petals that fall to the grass. Look at how the wind flows through the reeds and the sound that it makes as it moves them. How do the trees shake and quiver at the result of turbulence in a brilliantly sunny day? We, our culture has ruined nature and the beauty of it. A society of RUSHING will be a society of numbness to the natural sounds that come from the earth. Stop and enjoy the beauty, It will not be lasting forever, acknowledge the birds the trees, and the everything in between. I don't want a fancy life style, I just want to be free, free from the lies of a culture oppressed by the destruction of humanity.
I feel like sometimes I need to find a hut some place in the middle of no where with a lake, a road and a small village outside of where we live that has a store, with everything that we need. I want to break free of the lies of self satisfaction and breath the fresh air of relaxation and peace with a hope of honesty and trust. Unfortunately my life is this, day to day battle of bills, work, kids, family, friends, free time, me time and a lack of knowing what is next in life. Blinking neon signs that talk to us only exists in movies, and if we are lucky dreams. Right now I wish I had a sign.
I do not wish that my job is as intense as it is, I do not wish kids got that violent, I do not wish any harm to be done to them. What I wish is for them to find hope, and if I am supposed to be the hope for them, there will be a lack of it in the next couple months, because I am unsure of how I should encourage hope. Being verbally abused every day is not a huge thing I like to pursue, my mind is racing, I have nightmares, I cannot sleep, having things thrown at me, coming home and not being able to sleep due to xyz in the house or outside of it. Any time I hear verbal aggression towards another person I either want to curl in a ball and cry or run up and destroy the person, but outside of work it is none of my business.
Being on a verge of breaking down every minute is not fun, and what they do not know is that every day burnt out individuals come to work, working with violent individuals who don't care and are even more demanding than our already demanding culture, and sometimes I just want to say to them they will never succeed in their lives by how they are acting now. I want to be a voice of reason, where none can be found. I want to teach these kids the skills they need. I am finding however, that they don't want to learn, for fear, for lack of empathy, for compassion, for emptiness. The only way I know how to solve those problems is how I have, but I am not allowed, and it would be used against me.
So everyday, I get up say, "You have to do this, for them." James 1: 27, " Religion that is pure and undefiled before God, the Father, is this: to visit orphans and widows in their affliction, and to keep oneself unstained from the world." Empathy? Love? Encouragement? Pain. All of it is caused pain on people, and my job is to understand the pain and care for the pain with out being affected by the worlds I NEED IT NOW standard. So this is what I ask.
God give me the patience to continue my path. Give me strength so I can endure the road. Provide me the hope I need to go through daily struggles of past, present and future. Help me to have you as my crutch, and to survive but not be in survival mode. Help me to be grateful for what I have, who I am with, and where I've come from. Help me to lead and not follow, control my tongue (which I think is a funny spelled word). Teach me resilience and kindness. Teach me generosity. Above all help me show love in an nonjudgmental way that you could only do, because I am right now struggling to stay above water, as I cannot sleep, eat half the time, or focus on things that need to be accomplished, I cannot do these things. Show me love in the deepest of ways, so I can continue providing those with hope who need it. I do not wish to bee known by my job, but by my actions. My life will not be in vain.
Merry Christmas/Happy New Year... Find something Joyous to celebrate!
