Well, life is definitely more complicated than it ever was when I was a kid. There are more expectations, which we all crave to hide in our rooms shut and lock the world out. Unfortunately, being an adult means to face it. To gauge the interactions, distance, and boundaries that we need to have with individuals that roam our daily life. Not just individuals but chores of every day life: accounting, time management, relationships, Fun things to do.
Some times I wish I could take back somethings in my life give me a little more freedom than I have. I hate asking for money, and I hate lying about things. Not lying per-say but more like sneaking around the fact that I have no money and just getting by. There are two things in this world that I would love to do. Repay the people whom I've borrowed from, and learn.
If I stop learning I stop growing, experiencing other ideas, about who I am who I want to be. My experiences give me guidance to be who I want to be, ever so slightly changing my desires and passion to what I pray is God's will for my life. That is what I hope.
What I've noticed, isn't the opposite, it's just not the trail I thought I'd be on. Maybe I just need more patience. But Im getting tired of waiting for the day things will just be alright, that I will possibly have enough to share with others, that I can give things to others in need. That I wont be the one in need any more... This is what I had hoped. Budgeting is not my forte for money, not really is it for time either...
Since my injury my time has been consumed of physical therapy, orthopedic surgeons, and other wondrous doctors. They are all very nice, but when Im done with work I go hang out with these people, who are rather awesome, and tiresome. at about 6:30 I am done, but I don't want to go home - traffic and other disasters await on the road- so I go to friends homes and visit them. This way I can hang out with my friends still having other motivations to just drive up there randomly. Mind you, I do this too. I love my friends, not only here but in the other states.
Our relationships have been built on hardships, understandings, misunderstandings, lazy attitudes, encouragement, above all LOVE. This is the biggest most important thing in my friendships, and no not all mushy gushy, cuddles and kisses, but the love that you would do anything for that persons safety. To preserve their truth and identity, to not represent them when interacting with other, to defend them, at least their character, when they might be wrong about something.
I think though this love has a tight line that could be crossed over to a romantic love. I believe that I have breeched or at least came really close to crossing the line. I don't ever want to hurt this friend or any for that matter. They mean so much to me. I'd protect them in every circumstances, no matter what they were.
I'm in love with this person, I don't expect people to understand yet, I mean we've hung out but I cannot stop thinking about them 24/7 and if anything ever happened to them I'd be distraught. I know I mess up sometimes, and that I am a terrible person for watching certain movies or listening to certain music, or claiming things that might not be mine to claim. But if I truly loved this person like I think I do.. If they asked I'd do my best to stop.
But I don't even know if it is right... All I know is love is a tricky twisted thing that plays with the strings of the heart and sometimes I'd rather deal with the physical pain of an injury than the pain of a metaphorical heart ripping apart. It may take 12 months to heal from a torn ACL, but it takes a life time to heal from a heart ache. Even when the pain ceases the memory goes on. Fun things aren't as fun, and the ground gets cold and dead, and finally when you're past all that the only thing to live for is what you cant see or touch, but you can feel every day, by the blessings he brings, which might not be so bad, if we weren't consumed with our thoughtless active desires.
I love you, my special person and I wish the complexities in the world wouldn't ruin what we could have, or even what we do. Hopefully it will be safer for us again...
<3 Christine
PS Maybe being an adult is doing things we don't want to do but have to do.
