I don't write on here much because I tend to voice my opinion out loud, and quite frequently.
As of lately I've been labeled, as a perfectionist, as an abrasive woman, and as a person who is walking their own path. For the most part this is true.
I believe God is the only perfect being. He gave his son to die for us, we just celebrated his birth. By no means will I ever be on this earth perfect. I can strive to do my best in all things, but only God can save me. Understanding that my ability to fulfil the desire to be successful and to be "like Christ" could become twisted and turn into my desire to control; my future, my friends, the things or desires I put my hope to, and even whatever path God has me walking down. There are reasons why I am a driven individual. I partially believe God has given me the ability to have vision for great dreams and to inspire others to achieve theirs, or even spark their interest into being who God wants them to be.
Instead of getting caught up in how am I going to get to these things I've figured God will show me when he's ready. He will, if not already, give me a partner in my life who will walk through these things with me. Right now I have a really great friends who see me struggle for what is right, noble and true. I don't know if what I do is right, but I'm figuring it out.
The majority of my life I've had anxiety and it has never been controlled. Part of that is because I feel like I am unable to write my story. Many of you have a saying "let go and let God". That only works well if you know what that means. I've tried it, but how many of us really let go? So many times I hear Christians say the "obvious" but they even bring up past circumstances that haunt them. Then they dwell on this and attempt to figure out how to get the best revenge.
I'm not here gain revenge, or to do something out of spite or evil intent. Sometimes I admit I think about such things, but everyone does. Sometimes I do things based on my caring personality, sometimes it is construed as overbearing and manipulative. I guess I've learned from the best.
There are times when attempting to love another person or doing something sweet oversteps their boundaries creating stale air. I know people are known to do this to me, instead of seeking out revenge, I need to learn to forgive and instead of requiring an apology with the other person, forcefully or any other way, know that God is the only one who can work in their hearts. Sometimes all you can say is what you said hurt me. Say then God it's up to you.
I cover up my insecurities by being abrasive, knowing what I want and coming out forthright in acknowledgement. Sometimes I attempt to change peoples opinions of things, so they see my side. It doesn't always work like this. Many times you'll share your opinion and the person is allowed to have theirs. Part of the abrasive personality is to appear controlling.
If I cannot control one thing (room, my time, crafts, who knows what about a circumstance) I have anxiety. I am in constant battle with myself if people assume or believe something about me that is or isn't true. For some reason I have to figure out what instance gave them that specific impression of me. Sometimes that impression is true, and I have to learn to accept it for what it is.
I don't like that it changes their beliefs about who I am, or about the path I am walking down.
I've been having dreams about people needing me and then all of a sudden not needing me. Usually in those dreams I have normalcy and then it turns to chaos or vice versa. I've had obstacle courses and it seems chaotic because a storm came, then I have to crawl through mud to find the treasure beneath or that was left. A creepy cave calls to me and I have to fight between seeking out what's in the cage or getting people to safety.
I have a desire to save people from the terrors they are facing. Sometimes.... well I am not the one saving. I have to realize I cannot save anyone from anything. Only God can. That when I need to forgive a person that hasn't realized it, to say God I need help comfort me.
I am not a perfect being, though I try. I am abrasive and I hope to understand when people need me to back off, or love them more, with tact and love. Sometimes I am stubborn and need to figure out things for myself. I know God loves me and he will help me understand my path...
He is in control and I want him to be, this new years I want him.
