Who is this person who shows many faces; the one behind the
curtain? Who is it I am supposed to see, view, hear, control, lie to, hope in,
and trust? What’s next in a book of lies?
“I am what you see. I am not sure
who I want to be or what to do. All I know is the passions that direct me. My
faces are my own and you may have just as many or more. You’re supposed to see me, but you’ll never know the struggle
on my insides, no one sees that deep.
You are only able to control
yourself, God gives you this strength. I am uncertain of the other things, but
you are strong, you’ll find a way, if you ignore the lies and grip to the
truth. “
Do you grip the truth?
We all have doubts, even you. The
point is that we will continue to grow and mature to figure out those things we
deny and hate about ourselves. Come on you have things too not just me.
I’ll figure it out sure, but I don’t know what to do. I can
wear faces just like you; I can pretend it will all be OK. But I won’t know
what to do… how to act… What if I turn out to be a hermit and crawl in a hole
in this abyss?
I know this will be better. This is barren land filled with
heartache for some. That might be what it becomes for me; instead of fighting
it, I might start fleeing it. What am I supposed to do? Do you really trust me
to do what is necessary? What even are
they?
Something that makes you happy, do that. I’ve been doing
that recently and it’s helped a lot. You will make it, you’re strong.
My world is cracking and I am unclear on what to do. I don’t know what I need to do? What could I
continue in? I am so afraid of the answer, and who to talk to, what to say or
how to act. Guide me in my mistakes, leads, and deeds which are good.
I am not a failure and don’t plan to start now, ugh I just
want direction from you and the multiple things that I’ve experienced these
past two months make me question everything that aimed to my goal. I want so
badly to do something important. What prize should I focus on?
Trust me. Let me in… to all of your darkest corners… We’ll
clean out the cobwebs, kill the spiders. I want to shine the flashlight to
clear the darkest moment in your life. Will you let me?
Maybe…
I think I am worse than you; I don’t want to look at the
Bible because it will prove some of my thinking wrong. My perception of the
world will be shattered, which is not something I can do on my own. It requires
something keeping the self together, not your own strength, and I don’t think I
can do it on my own; I’m just not strong enough. You were my strength and I’m
draining it from you. I’m not allowed say this, but I love you.
We say co-dependent relationships are unhealthy, but what
about with God?
