THE OUTING - 2017

Part of  me wants to call this pain is pain, but there is another side that should be a coming out truth to it. Here it is, I've been dating a woman of my dreams for almost two years. Being we are with in the Christian community I've been struggling of when the best time to come out and let everyone understand what situation I've been in.

I understand that not everyone will agree with my sentiments or understand the things that I have been inquiring about. But here they are, and I am still struggling with them. I consistently search for the answers to the questions people ask of me. I am not afraid of being wrong and people need to understand that when I understand what that entails I'll confess sins to God and keep going with my life.

*    *   *   *   *

Everything happened about three weeks ago in March. My mom and I conversed over the phone and came to the conclusion that my woman's mother asked mine if I was gay. So over the phone when asked, I stated, "no, I consider myself pan." We discussed that to me it meant being attracted to a spectrum of people, though attracted not acting on all of my attractions because of opinions/beliefs that I feel.

Her response, "oh! I'm that way too.." and when she looked up all of the definitions of what a pansexual is (2 weeks after my trip) she added, "are you sure you want to state you are that? It might dim your light God gave you on the world."

Now I personally believe God made me this way, from attractions to grade school all the way through now. I confirmed that I hold fast to a lot of the morals her and dad taught me; I do not believe in sex before marriage. She then had a puzzled look on her face and asked, "Are you married?"

"NO"- She continued to explain how if I wasn't sexually active I couldn't think that I was this way, and that me and mine are just best friends forever, or forever friends, or God friends. She continues to send bible references to me regarding my sexuality and how Christians don't believe that this is God's way for me... I haven't yet sent her the opposing views because I don't want to send them out of spite.

*   *   *   *

My father, unfortunately I knew what he was going to ask me, how he was going to ask me, when he was going to ask me, and I praise God that He gave me two days warning to prepare myself for all of this.

We both arrived at the airport expectant for a bus to take us to the car, he was in a bad mood and I was kind of distant with interacting because I sensed the discomfort. "So what is up with your's and her's relationship? We've had inquiry by the mother and we would like to know where it stands."

My only response, "Dad we love each other, in this we support each other- emotionally, spiritually, and physically (un/fortunately not added when I spoke to him), we are independent financially- and until God plops a man into our lap we are good with this situation."

He continues, "Well what do you think about what the bible says about all of that, like in romans 1:26..." he continued to list of other bible references...

All I could say was that I'm looking into it and I'm figuring it out. I understand what both sides say in regards to it, and I am unsure how to exactly put my opinion out there, I am still researching. The conversation pretty much ended with them being unwilling to support me any more. I'm not entirely sure what that entails, but it felt like a threat, though I knew this was coming.

*   *   *   *

Now let me actually share a bit about what I think the bible talks about. Love, the purest form of love by putting other peoples needs above your own. Here is another thing, Rom 1:26 can be taken many ways, anti woman sex, anti orgies, anti worshiping of other gods through sex, anti prostitution, anti acting on lust for women.

Here is the thing with me and mine. I don't lust for her I love her, do I get jealous, yes sometimes, but I trust her. Even when she cant believe that she is worthy of love I show her that she is valued and cared for by doing things for her. ie. building something, making something, time, hugs, cooking, whatever. Sometimes she doesn't understand it but that is the truth, I love her and I'd give up a ton to continue being with her, and I already have. 

Tis the season..

Tis' the season... The season of Remembrance... Season of Advent... The season of Christ's birth. 

Who am I... I am nothing compared to my Creator, nothing, but a person to this world, but I am everything to Him, just as any other creature on this earth. My heart is heavy this season. I've lost many loved ones, and one is limited in contact, and I'm frustrated.

My last grandfather passed away in May, since I've discovered things about who I am in my family tree. He treasured everyone, even in his frustration. I only know my version of his story. I'm sure there were some unpleasant things, I don't know, but to me he was a gentle man of few words. Since his passing other things have happened. I grieve for my family, since we lost Aunt Betty, I cannot even imagine how her sister feels.

I appreciate who she was, I pray for who she is becoming, that she will discover joy again. I cannot imagine loosing all of my family. I've lost one so far, due to complications and it has made this Christmas worse. I am sad for those families around them. 

It reminds me of a dream I had a while ago, where a person wanders to a town over a bridge and interacts with the people on the street. People who were sleeping and needed to wake up, but no one was. They all went to bars, acted like they were on drugs, and frankly had a detached attitude toward external things. They were all numb. I just wanted them to wake up, then I discovered someone was trapping them there. Anyone who attempted to wake them up was greeted with hostile interrogation and behavior. 

This is the family that I am talking about- aggression, hate, fear, and numbness - what is creating their actions? What can I do from here? Nothing. So much loss and so much exhausting emotion. When one thing is right, it is so wrong in all the others eyes. So, who am I in this circumstance? No one, by stander. Wrong. I am a fighter, when I see injustice I stand up for it. Some people may be bruised or offended in the process. I'm not here to save, I am here to shed light. No more secrets for lies. Only truth and love can enlighten people. I love many, I try to love all. When I can't, it is normally because I am busy taking care of my self. I need love too.

As I said this season is a hard one. Filled with loss, and joy for those who have been lost and see the maker. By no means will this be an easy season. I have many memories with my Uncle Robert on Christmas, and one of the toys he gave me I still have. I remember Christmas at my GMA Schoonover's home, with everyone. Many are no more.

This season should not be sad, but it is for me. Families have been broken, friendships have been broken. I received some blame for them and that is OK. A war has two way streets, a war is not created by just one, but by more, there has to be at least one other. I hope that we can see this. May our hearts be open to how God wants us to act towards one another.

May we remember that this season is about family and hope. The Creator is the hope that we have. The Creator is the one who wakes us up. The Creator is Jesus Christ, and his birth is the miracle that we know, that we see, that we experience every year. Sometimes, he is the only joy, I find. He is the only thing that brings me joy, especially when so many things are wrong. He is the reason I celebrate the deaths that I've known. I will see them all again.

To grieve is natural part of life, Jesus did it, so can we. This season will be filled with some grieving, knowing that God's design was perfect and we made it corrupt, with the fall. This season will be filled with joy and celebration, with those who I love, joy knowing that it doesn't end here, but it keeps going, until the perfect end. 

Even the rocks will cry out.  Tis the season to sing praises to him. 

Health and Hidden Inflammation

Health. That is one of the number one topics of all time. Why do I say this? Because I cannot go more than two hours without hearing, Christine that doesn't look good for you.

I was diagnosed with Hashimotos Thyroiditis  in 2008 or 2009, and it has been an uphill battle. It all started with an unbalanced hormonal teen that possibly just turned 20 er 21, whose period lasted one month and a couple weeks. (Sorry boys if you are reading this) Can anyone imagine what that would have been like? (Doctor said it was cancer, thank God he was wrong) My Iron levels went to an 11 down to a 4, (average is about 12-16) I gained about 50lbs- quicker than I gained weight from quitting water polo- my stomach stress and becoming lethargic grew out of proportion, lastly my metabolism was shot. I lost hair, had brittle nails and had high anxiety and low motivation.

 Now that I've taken time to discuss elements of the disorder let me tell you what the disorder is. Hashimotos Thyroiditis: Hashimotos was the last name of the guy who discovered my disease and thyroiditis is inflammation (itis) of the thyroid.

You have an amazing immune system. When a bug enters in your body you have these antibodies that either recognize the bug or not. If they recognize it they all swarm around that bug (bacteria/virus/foriegn object) and do their best to counteract what it is doing to yourself (symptoms). This being said, my body thinks my thyroid is a foreign object.  My body attacks my thyroid,  through specific antibodies, this is what Hashimoto found. (I am not a doctor, so I am stating simply what I know) This then inhibits T4 from being produced so the brain shoots more signals saying, "HEY I'M NOT GETTING ENOUGH ...", so then your body continues to make T4 hormone. Part of it makes T3 too, but the biggest amount of T3 is produced from T4, and folks do you know what you need to be able to do that? Iron! This is supposed to help with metabolism.

So here I am low Iron, cannot absorb supplements without getting constipated and having other issues that created the BS diagnosis called IBS- irritable bowel syndrome- I like to think that the doctors don't know what goes on sometimes so they label this when in reality it is just their I really enjoy bull shitting you (IBS- I bull shit),  and in my head I'm like "yeah! cuz I need more shitting in my life."

The point being is that I've had stomach problems since I think I was 8-10 somewhere around there. Yes, it could have been anxiety, it could have been "IBS" or it could have been something else. I was food tested somewhere around the age of 9-13. What did I find? I had a mild reaction to Dairy, Wheat, Corn, and Peanuts (the list went on of over 50 things they tested for). I didn't stop consuming those until quite recently, when I was tested again at age 27/28. Age 27 I was tested for a gluten allergy, I was curious if I had celiacs disease. The test came back as positive for being highly sensitive to gluten. When I heard they had to clip a part out of my gut to see if the silla was curled over, I figured, "eh, I'll just avoid it, I've struggled with holes in my gut before, no thanks". At age 28  I found out that the reason that those appeared in my bloodstream is that they were causing leaky gut. This is my definition of what Leaky Gut is.

Leaky Gut - This is when tiny permeable wall in your intestine starts to let bigger particle through into other parts of your body, like the bloodstream, that they were otherwise supposed to digest.

When you eat something and your body doesn't agree with it it causes more inflammation. The more you allow inflammation to continue the more autoimmune diseases could develop. I was first diagnosed with an autoimmune disease Hashimotos, then Celiacs, and it was hinted that I could possibly have Chrons in the future.

So I decided to do some research on what causes inflammation in the body. If I personally had so much difficulty with my stomach I figured I'd start there. I started researching things like how dairy, gluten, nightshades, and corn can affect us. It honestly depends on your body. There has been research done that says the amount of sugar and processed foods we consume create a higher amount of inflammation that we cannot see. Which normally means, what we cannot see we do not think about. We should! Alot of our symptoms are now what doctors think is the problem. It could be that it is your Gut asking you to help it out.

All I know, is that if our guts were healthy there wouldn't be Hahsimotos, Diabetes, Chrons, Celiacs, and who knows maybe depression and anxiety. I've known people who were diagnosed specifically with Hashimotos and Diabetes who have changed their entire diets around and have had no more symptoms- even from a medical doctors diagnosis- they just went away. Now I'm sure they had a routine excersize ya know all that, but one thing at a time. I believe that diet is huge. I've taken out gluten, I've taken out dairy in 99% of things. Now the nuts, corn, and nightshades.  Then I will work on exercise... Will it be easy.... No, but I want to be who God designed me to be, the best I can be.

So I can have more energy, stronger hair, nails, joints, overall better health, less lethargic, more cooperation in metabolism. I want to be healthy and homemade. I want to have the motivation to make things home made. No more prepared soups in cans, no more boxed lunches that you throw in to microwave. No more processed things. No more high fructose corn syrup, why? because it is killing me. Let me be the one to encourage others to have a higher health standard for themselves.

Links to other sources:
http://dailyburn.com/life/health/inflammatory-foods-what-is-inflammation/
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/26287637

Dairy Products and Inflammation: A Review of the Clinical Evidence

MY PRAYER:
God,
Give me the strength that I need to fulfill your requests, to make my body healthy and whole. God I need you to guide me in the things I eat and do for my body. Heal my Gut, encourage me to be proactive and healthy these next few months. I know I cannot do it alone. Teach me stewardess for my body and circumstances. You've provided all and you give us no more than we can handle. I ask that more people will look into this issue of food and what we place in our bodies. Thank You for Loving me where I am.
~Chris

#Thyroid #Health #inflammation #iron #gut

Family

Well it is that time, I waited two days shame, shame. But at the same time I've found out more scandle about my family than I think I ever wanted to know. So n So had an afair with Bla Bla, some one tried to shoot some one else, and the list goes on.
On friday I was able to go to the zoo for special events that had to do with band covers and booze. Being that it was all free I decided why not. She got some great pictures of me. My aunt said she would not be suprised by my life she says she hardly gets supprised by anything. She continues an said, "Now if you said you became an axe murder, then I'd be suprised."
I asked her if thinking about it would be sufficiant and in response she just goes "OOOO NOOO"
It is also interesting that there is more than one gay, bi, lesbian, in my family. who knew a family could have so many or suspisions regarding it. Oh yeah and the amount of afairs is amazing. So things that run in my family: affairs, suicide, depression, people working in Psychology/Mental Health, the gay community, the artistic ability, abuse, animosty....Possibly even gullableness.
On that note I'm going to tell a brief story. My grandma heard a story that my grandpa had said... "one day I was sitting there smokin, but because I din have a pipe i carved a corn stick n started smoking through it" So one day he over heard her and said Gert I was kidding. She was so mad and flabbergasted. "
According to the schoonover side we come from a line of "bastards" (litteral translation) we have no father. But apparenly my family has other ties that are un ethical, which I won't get into due to political arguments and wars. I found out I am part of the DAR and could be on both sides of the family.
I also found out that part of me is from holland and when my family came over they named what is now NYC, The new amsterdam. Assumption: I came from amsterdam. Though I am super german I think I would really enjoy learning about my ethnic culture and other things.
I am curious on how they would concider me as purbread or a mutt. I am unsure, dont really care. For me, culture is made up of so many different veriables that it is hard to encounter the total essance of what culture really is.
I want to learn about my family reunions from my grandmas side and go to a castle in Germany to celebrate. I believe that would be the best part about it.

Assisted Suicide

Assisted suicides tends not to be something that people look at as an option. Majority of the states say that it is illegal to commit suicide, which that alone is a complicated topic. This will no be a research paper but an opinion based topic that I hope to shed light on: particularly with the complications that come attached to it.

Here is the senerio. Three people siting on a plane all right next to each other. So it becomes a little tense when anyone talks about suicide. The terminology in regards to what it is actually called and for medical suffering I cannot remember. Besides the point. Back to the plane scene, the middle person mentions how their parent and their parent all suffered from Alzhiemer. In the end they realized that there is no helping them.

Most Alzhiemer patience understand that there is something happening to their brain and they have no controll over it. Like in the movie Allegiant, there was a scene where a person's mind has been wiped clean. I can oonly assume that is how it is for those with Alzhiemer.

The one in the middle we'll call them 2 said, "When I get to the age where I am losing mmy memory and there is nothing lleft then I want to die." Two continnude to talk about how this desease effected them and how the state of living comes down to nothing. Two didn't want to loose their dignety. They didnt want other people to have to change them and they didnt want their money to go toward care taking. See I also understand that.

Here is the thing that makes me nervous about if a law like that passes, a law that is currently only for those with severe suffering. If it becomes broaden to those who have lost either all bodily functioning or all brain capacity how are we to secure the safety of mental health. They already have struggles with understanding that there is a choice. If we add a law regarding this who would say that the people with mental illness wouldnt cheat the system and use this new law and say their mind has left the body or that  their is no process going on inside the body or vice versa, who could say that the behavior of those who commited suicide was right or wrong.

Honestly I think it would be an ok idea as long as the proposal was written correctly to explain everything that could be taken advantage of.

** note I've not done  sufficient research in this area, but it's a concern if a loose law was passed.

Loves Complicated, Truth Hurts, and Depression Sucks

Here is the biggest thing I know. I care... Possibly more than other people I know. Some times I am selfish, sometimes I am withdrawn. But honestly if you are having a crisis I am there. I have a habit in my life of sharing forthright what I think and what I believe. People consider this to be rude, unthoughtful, uncaring, unconcerned, unhelpful, abrasive, and down right in their business.

Now lets get to the title matter:
Love: this is usually described worldly by sex and the whole, "oh my goodness he's so hot." Do,  you think he likes me.... OK lets stop. What is Love?
Biblically which is the only way to describe it, because it was created first by God and is God can only be characterized by actions, ya know do things, because he/she wants too... what does the person do to show that they love me?
For me they cook, do the dishes, help with things, go out to the store with me, fold socks (thanks Mom). (This may be considered acts of Service) tells me how much they love me using past expressions of their love on paper. (Some call this words of affirmation) My personal favorite is when they don't have any time to spend with me they take time, sacrificing what they are doing: grades, homework, cleaning, art, etc, and then turning it into something the person wants to do, that maybe they don't want to do.  Giving random gifts and or touch.


People ask me for advice I give it, I give my time, my money and my life for some people. I respond to things that people do as if they were my child. Maybe that is wrong to do, maybe it is wrong to care that deeply for people. But to watch them throw it all away, for what one potential relationship, one thing: to feel whole, to feel happiness for a blip of a moment, to crave intimacy where there is none. OR when people think I don't care, because I like to watch them be tortured by something: a movie, a forgetful move.... Yes, my desire is to torture you! I want to destroy your every being.

OF COURSE NOT! My desire is to enjoy my time with my friends. God designed humans to be intimate with. Intimacy is not sex, it is to know people inside and out. He wanted that relationship with us as humans. Doesn't mean just complaining to him, or telling him what your freaked out about. It is about sharing the good, the bad, the ugly and even the most amazing high points in our life. How he showed us his love is by giving his child. How many of us can honestly say, "Oh! Here take my kid" (NO not the goat an actual child) Well God did, just for a relationship with us.

That is love, doing everything in your power to secure a relationship with anybody, in a deep non - sexually intimate way.

Truth Hurts:
This saying was said to me as a 6th grader when I was told that no one like me any more. I wore my heart on my sleeve then and I think I started tearing up. Some one came up to me and said, "some one told you the truth, hu?"
As a child I was like what why would truth hurt me? Well, constructive criticism is truth, and it hurts a good portion of the time, but the reason why it exists is so that we can learn to be a better person. (No the dialog above wasn't constructive.) I have the ability to provide criticism in a way that could be construed as hurtful and abrasive, and believe me I've gotten better since jr high/High School.

I have no problem in keeping people accountable if they ask, but if they ask they better be prepared for truth that comes out of my mouth. They need to understand that it is business what they say and I'll be with them every step of the way.

They ask advice I give it after thinking about it, or I wait to respond when I can so I can clearly think of something that could be useful from my heart.

There is a difference from asking advice and wanting sympathy. There is only so much of repetition that can be heard of before it gets to the point where I'm like I cant help you if you cannot do things, but you will have to figure out how to do this on your own. I am not a licensed counselor...

There is a reason why I stepped down from psychology and treatment facilities. It's too broken for a person with a sensitive soul. It kills them. It kills them emotionally, physically and mentally. This is where I was one-two years ago. This is why I am not a counselor, so I do not have to hear continuous, repeated scenarios that when asked advice and given are dismissed, so that the same mayhem continues.

If people don't take advice because it bothers them, or they wanted sympathy instead, it would be helpful for them to clearly state what they need at the time. There comes a time though that I will stop letting a dog lick its wound and actually help it heal. (if I was talking about a dog I would, but humans you cant force to do anything) Another words, if a person is causing themselves pain situationally, emotionally, physically, or what other way they can it needs to stop.

This truth hurts so much sometimes that people ignore it or even say please pitty me. 

Untreated Depression Gets Worse! Examples: you are looking for attention, and you don't get enough of it, or you want love, or have loneliness, or you have destructive thoughts, there's hope! People have degrees to help with your self esteem, loneliness, heartbrokenness, emptiness and ultimately depression and the worry that comes along with all of these. I honestly wish my personality was one to have what it takes to be a counselor, but it doesn't.

My personality is of mentorship. I will lead and guide preferably one on one. My relationship will not be abused, emotionally, physically, mentally or spiritually. If you need truth I'll say it if you need guidance I'll pray for it to be given to you and I.  My friends do not own my spirit, God does, by goodness, and HE is greater than any living soul in existence. I am his! Not Yours! You will not treat me like a relationship to abuse and manipulate, because I care!

Year recognitions: pt 1

I don't write on here much because I tend to voice my opinion out loud, and quite frequently.

As of lately I've been labeled, as a perfectionist, as an abrasive woman, and as a person who is walking their own path. For the most part this is true.

I believe God is the only perfect being. He gave his son to die for us, we just celebrated his birth. By no means will I ever be on this earth perfect. I can strive to do my best in all things, but only God can save me. Understanding that my ability to fulfil the desire to be successful and to be "like Christ" could become twisted and turn into my desire to control; my future, my friends, the things or desires I put my hope to, and even whatever path God has me walking down. There are reasons why I am a driven individual. I partially believe God has given me the ability to have vision for great dreams and to inspire others to achieve theirs, or even spark their interest into being who God wants them to be.

Instead of getting caught up in how am I going to get to these things I've figured God will show me when he's ready. He will, if not already, give me a partner in my life who will walk through these things with me. Right now I have a really great friends who see me struggle for what is right, noble and true. I don't know if what I do is right, but I'm figuring it out.

The majority of my life I've had anxiety and it has never been controlled. Part of that is because I feel like I am unable to write my story. Many of you have a saying "let go and let God". That only works well if you know what that means. I've tried it, but how many of us really let go? So many times I hear Christians say the "obvious" but they even bring up past circumstances that haunt them. Then they dwell on this and attempt to figure out how to get the best revenge.

I'm not here gain revenge, or to do something out of spite or evil intent. Sometimes I admit I think about such things, but everyone does. Sometimes I do things based on my caring personality, sometimes it is construed as overbearing and manipulative. I guess I've learned from the best.

There are times when attempting to love another person or doing something sweet oversteps their boundaries creating stale air. I know people are known to do this to me, instead of seeking out revenge, I need to learn to forgive and instead of requiring an apology with the other person, forcefully or any other way, know that God is the only one who can work in their hearts. Sometimes all you can say is what you said hurt me. Say then God it's up to you.

I cover up my insecurities by being abrasive, knowing what I want and coming out forthright in acknowledgement. Sometimes I attempt to change peoples opinions of things, so they see my side. It doesn't always work like this. Many times you'll share your opinion and the person is allowed to have theirs. Part of the abrasive personality is to appear controlling.

If I cannot control one thing (room, my time, crafts, who knows what about a circumstance) I have anxiety. I am in constant battle with myself if people assume or believe something about me that is or isn't true. For some reason I have to figure out what instance gave them that specific impression of me. Sometimes that impression is true, and I have to learn to accept it for what it is.

I don't like that it changes their beliefs about who I am, or about the path I am walking down.

I've been having dreams about people needing me and then all of a sudden not needing me. Usually in those dreams I have normalcy and then it turns to chaos or vice versa. I've had obstacle courses and it seems chaotic because a storm came, then I have to crawl through mud to find the treasure beneath or that was left. A creepy cave calls to me and I have to fight between seeking out what's in the cage or getting people to safety.

I have a desire to save people from the terrors they are facing. Sometimes.... well I am not the one saving. I have to realize I cannot save anyone from anything. Only God can. That when I need to forgive a person that hasn't realized it, to say God I need help comfort me.

I am not a perfect being, though I try. I am abrasive and I hope to understand when people need me to back off, or love them more, with tact and love. Sometimes I am stubborn and need to figure out things for myself. I know God loves me and he will help me understand my path...

He is in control and I want him to be, this new years I want him.

Suicide Lane

Have you ever had the opportunity to stand in the middle of a bridge, in between the opposing sides of traffic and feel the air whoosh by you? If you haven’t, I am not suggesting you do, but it has been how I have felt the past few months. For those of you who haven’t let me ask you this: have you been in a long car ride and have seen lines and things move but you are just hoping that you make it wherever safely? Maybe this would make more sense.

The feeling that I am getting at is immobility. A lack of ability to move from the location you are at, to a location you wish to go to. Some people would feel it and say that they were stuck, unable to move, yet wanting to grow. Others would say I am in the emergency lane waiting, waiting to move over so I can go to the direction I want to go, and that God wants me to go… that is if they believe in God.

Well that is where I am. Stuck somewhere in the middle, like a new driver, in the suicide lane, in between two lanes, and unable to move. There are things that have to happen in my life that I am unable to share. Some things I am so proud of I wish to shout from roof tops, but cannot. Other things that I am terrified to mention, but know I should. Some things that it just makes sense why I would never mention them on public media.

I do have a private life, which is probably why I have not written much on here lately. My life has been the same for a year: struggling to keep my knee stable from surgery, possibly going into another surgery, MRI’s, Doctors, Work (which I’ve had for 2.3 years), nightmares, church, youth group, Wonderful friends, and best friend. So my life is not perfect but it is the mundane middle class American with trauma. So to keep up with all of this it gets exhausting, expensive and frankly I don’t have time for much else.

I love my church, I love my friends, I love my crazy kids at work, school, home, and church. I love them all. Life just keeps throwing hard things at me that I don’t agree with and I am unsure how to respond. So right now I will stay driving in the middle lane until I find an opening to take my turn and drive, hopefully like a person would who was “Driving Miss Daisy”. That way I could enjoy what I am surrounded by take it in and accomplish driving down one street in the maze of my life. But until then I am stuck in the suicide lane watching people move on.

Lullabies: "Grieve to Love to Live"

There are those we wish farewells and goodbyes. Others we say see you later or soon after when we meet. In the long run we choose to be long lasting in the relationships we are provided. Fortunate and unfortunate events happen creating circumstances that would fold into undesirable outcomes. But all needs to be processed and provided. Grief, love, anger, hope, trust and fear are meant to be felt. No longer shall we shy away from thoughts or needs that have been pushed aside by others. But a need to express the desires, needs, and expectations we have to survive and no one should shut that down.

As humans we have needs and selfishness takes over when needs aren't met and compassion drys up. Humans are humans we all suck at something and need others to step up to preform on what we are not good at. To sit back and watch abuse is not an option that should be expected, and if such actions take place than those experiencing abuse should be able to fight their own way out if no other help can be given. To be selfish and narrow minded never solved or progressed any society. Man up and deal with your own actions, their feelings, thoughts and desires are their own, no one else's, but in that they need to know that one cannot walk it alone.

Grief and struggles are ment to be walked through and sifted; though messy it needs to be done for a purer form of hope, trust and accomplishment can be made. When has it ever helped that we were separate? Maybe we should support one another in encouragement and possibly love, to accomplish greater things. Put down differences and aggression. Feel your feelings and express needs for yourself and those you see struggling.

Maybe then we don't have to truly write the words of expectant lullabies that lead people to forever sleep. But grow a better world where good byes are simply, see you laters.

Then maybe we can live.

Why I am a Polar Bear: White and Muddied

Okay! So this is going to be interesting. But 90% of you know I believe in God, so when asked, "what is your spirit animal?" From a tribal culture, I wasn't really sure what to say, thank God I was last.

MY RESPONSE: "A Polar Bear!"

I did not know why at the time I said this, but it was the first thing that came to my head, to be honest.

So tonight I finally looked it up...

This is what it said (Summary):

Polar Bear mimics human motion, ferries souls to the other side of death, they are an example of transformation/being renewed. The bear spirit is tremendously powerful, and replete with themes of transformation, camouflage (being part of the background and coming out of it in style [power]), and patience. They know how to be still, and have a great connection with children. Another aspect is that they have strength to move through harsh circumstances. We are Self-sufficient and reliant.

**Personal thoughts: I would have to agree.

1. Half the time I honestly believe I can mimic people's emotions when I am aware of my surroundings, and I can relate to people easily.

2. I love the idea of transformation and being renewed. As Christians we are expected to go through this transforming process, to be renewed and filled with the spirit.

3. I don't always like the power I have been given, and ask for it to be taken. I think though it is a sword, painful when used, shaped to perfection creates clean cuts when used correctly.

4. Patience....well I think I could always use more of this... This is one thing I think we could all use more of.

5. I know how to relax and dwell on God... "Be still and Know I am God" - Psalms 46:10 **The biggest problem is I do not always use it, I dwell on my friends and cannot focus on the basic needs surrounding my life.

6. Connecting with children: Tonight 2/20/15 a child no more than two kept staring at me in a restaurant. I finally made a funny face and he just laughed, and his mom was so confused. It was awesome! ^^

7. Harsh Circumstances- Life is sometimes a pill, you think you are succeeding but in reality your possibly taking 11 steps forward after 10 backwards.

8.  Self Sufficient- I try to be. Maybe even to a fault. I don't like accepting help for things and I don't like being portrayed as weak... Maybe its pride and maybe its how I think.

9. Reliant- everyone has requests, 90% of the time I believe they have been completed. People rely on me to be something, and others... well they see me in relying on them.

"Take my burden upon you, so you can learn from me and find rest with in your souls, my yoke is easy and burden is light"- Matthew 11:29

Potential Characteristics of a Polar Bear: Skill, Magic, Power,  Wisdom, Strength, Strategy, Cunning, Survival, Initiation, Isolation, Transition, Extremes, Humanity, Vigilance, Endurance, Playfulness, Compassion, Adaptability, Independence, Introspection, Determination, Contemplation

I think this fits right now in my life... I am a giant, polar bear, that could be a little muddy, but with a clean coat, white as the snow.

God makes us who we are, and according to these descriptions they fit wonderfully! May God continue to grant wisdom and courage in my life as I am flexible in my daily living and how I handle every circumstance.
May he guide you humble readers on how to best lead lives successful and passionate. May god grant you patience and guidance in your endeavors.
<3 Christine

Refusing Vanity

Here I am again, another December unsure of where I stand. Yes it has been a year from my surgery, a year and a half at my job, and I don't know where it will take me. But alas here I am on this journey of life.

Guess what?! I can run! My knee works well enough tor sprint! I can dance, I love to dance, it creates a type of freedom that I've never expected. You know what else? I'm going to try to ice skate! What I am so excited about is that there is some free time in my life I can accomplish something amazing, but I don't know what.  But whatever it will be, will be amazing, because God made us amazingly complex, and it will be ok.

So what if it is a basic mindset, I survived. I never expected to need surgery at 26. I never expected that I'd date who I have dated in the past few years, and the past few years have been amazing! I've had supportive friends and family, who don't always like to hear me complain, I have people in my life who are rooting for my success, and just like every one else, they do not know what it is! But who cares, life is for the living who strive to do their best.

Here is what I wish to strive for... I want to be successful, not the financially successful that everyone thinks of... You know the kind that rolls around in the dough and flaunts it every where. Yes my car needs a new paint job, but it at least drives, that is the biggest thing!

What I mean by successful is that I want to have a family, be able to support the family by limited means, to be able to budget, to give God what is his and to believe and have faith he will provide for me, and that I will see value in the things I already have. I want to be successful at being generous... WISELY GENEROUS! I want to be able to say yes to exciting adventures, to look through a peephole in the door and say, "There! There my dears, that is where I want to go!". Traveling can be my freedom, just like friendship, family, seclusion, reading is for everybody else, traveling will be mine. To literally escape from the pressures of every day life, where finances are still existing but not staring me in the face. I want to be able to hide and recoup. To say, "hold on" to today and say, "I'll do this later" and be able to pick up what needs to be done a little later and do it, with out regrets.

I think our culture is a demanding culture. One that says I need everything NOW and if I don't get it I am gonna physically, verbally, emotionally do SOMETHING about it. Stop demanding things, take a break, look at the flowers in the spring and their stripes that have danced on the petals that fall to the grass. Look at how the wind flows through the reeds and the sound that it makes as it moves them. How do the trees shake and quiver at the result of turbulence in a brilliantly sunny day? We, our culture has ruined nature and the beauty of it. A society of RUSHING will be a society of numbness to the natural sounds that come from the earth. Stop and enjoy the beauty, It will not be lasting forever, acknowledge the birds the trees, and the everything in between. I don't want a fancy life style, I just want to be free, free from the lies of a culture oppressed by the destruction of humanity.

I feel like sometimes I need to find a hut some place in the middle of no where with a lake, a road and a small village outside of where we live that has a store, with everything that we need. I want to break free of the lies of self satisfaction and breath the fresh air of relaxation and peace with a hope of honesty and trust. Unfortunately my life is this, day to day battle of bills, work, kids, family, friends, free time, me time and a lack of knowing what is next in life. Blinking neon signs that talk to us only exists in movies, and if we are lucky dreams. Right now I wish I had a sign.

I do not wish that my job is as intense as it is, I do not wish kids got that violent, I do not wish any harm to be done to them. What I wish is for them to find hope, and if I am supposed to be the hope for them, there will be a lack of it in the next couple months, because I am unsure of how I should encourage hope. Being verbally abused every day is not a huge thing I like to pursue, my mind is racing, I have nightmares, I cannot sleep, having things thrown at me, coming home and not being able to sleep due to xyz in the house or outside of it. Any time I hear verbal aggression towards another person I either want to curl in a ball and cry or run up and destroy the person, but outside of work it is none of my business.

Being on a verge of breaking down every minute is not fun, and what they do not know is that every day burnt out individuals come to work, working with violent individuals who don't care and are even more demanding than our already demanding culture, and sometimes I just want to say to them they will never succeed in their lives by how they are acting now. I want to be a voice of reason, where none can be found. I want to teach these kids the skills they need. I am finding however, that they don't want to learn, for fear, for lack of empathy, for compassion, for emptiness. The only way I know how to solve those problems is how I have, but I am not allowed, and it would be used against me.

So everyday, I get up say, "You have to do this, for them." James 1: 27, " Religion that is pure and undefiled before God, the Father, is this: to visit orphans and widows in their affliction, and to keep oneself unstained from the world." Empathy? Love? Encouragement? Pain. All of it is caused pain on people, and my job is to understand the pain and care for the pain with out being affected by the worlds I NEED IT NOW standard. So this is what I ask.

God give me the patience to continue my path. Give me strength so I can endure the road. Provide me the hope I need to go through daily struggles of past, present and future. Help me to have you as my crutch, and to survive but not be in survival mode. Help me to be grateful for what I have, who I am with, and where I've come from. Help me to lead and not follow, control my tongue (which I think is a funny spelled word). Teach me resilience and kindness. Teach me generosity. Above all help me show love in an nonjudgmental way that you could only do, because I am right now struggling to stay above water, as I cannot sleep, eat half the time, or focus on things that need to be accomplished, I cannot do these things. Show me love in the deepest of ways, so I can continue providing those with hope who need it. I do not wish to bee known by my job, but by my actions.  My life will not be in vain.

Merry Christmas/Happy New Year... Find something Joyous to celebrate!

Confidence And Strength Are Not My Own

People say that I have strength in me that they wish they had. I can see what they mean, I carry myself like I know where I am supposed to be and what I am supposed to do. However, I do not believe that my expression is an adequate description of who I am.

Overall I am just one terrified creature that does the best that she can in life. I am unsure of where my future goes and not completely sure of whom I am yet. I’m sure 80yr olds feel similar sometimes. Here is the thing though, I tend to be confident in the moment. If some one gives me a reason to doubt who I am, I’d examine it, see if it is an adequate description, and move on however it seems fit.

Most of the time I tend to see it as an opportunity for growth. This has changed over the years. First I’d think, “Oh, they don’t like me!” and go pout about it. Then I looked at it as,  “Why do they like me?” and be really sad for the next day and cry.  Then it turned into anger in which it turned into, “Well if I cant find anything wrong with what I did, which I’ve tried hard to find, they can go dance in their own personal space, I’ll do my own thing”. This is a nicer way to say I stuck my finger in the air and walked away.

People are not always worth your time and many of them break you down instead of building you up. Yes, there are times when the break down of ones character is necessary, but sometimes assessing the situation first will help to know which is better.

I get into a funk every once in a while, sometimes those funks are stupid and pathetic. Like I was buying shoes and I just kind of walked off in an irritated manner. Yes I thought that I’d be out in like a few seconds. Yes, I did have expectations of the other person. Did I discuss those with them? No, so why should I hold that individual accountable for how I felt, I shouldn’t. Sometimes I just need a person to say, “Christine, you need to snap out of it, because you’re treating people like shit.” which is totally true. This is the case of breaking down my character, because I might be portraying an aspect of frustration of mine in a completely inappropriate way. This needs to happen.

What about the aspect of bullying? We are our own worst critics- this is the most honest true statement ever. I am my worst enemy. I battle within myself attempting to fight my alter ego, ego, or me, many times I win, the I is the most correct choice at the time. Sometimes Jackie wins (the alter ego that tries to destroy those who love me the most) which may or may not be needed at the time.

Here is the thing though, people confuse themselves. Are you going to be a light to them to discover who they are, or are you going to be the one who breaks down the good character found in them destroying their future. Build peoples confidence. We already have enough doubt in the world. Find something to believe in and go with it, figure it out so you know what you suck at, what you’re good at, those people who build you up, keep them. Keep the wise counsel that creates a deeper sense of character, who can say “Hey you’re acting like an Ass right now, stubborn and you need to re-evaluate where your life is going”. These people are just as important as the encouragers, who build you up.

They both build on each other. Wise council balances the ego and the pride to be lowered when it gets too high. Encouragers build it up. It’s all about balance.

When I went to Multnomah, I needed council and my life seemed to be distressing and distant, I appreciate, the leaders that took the time to guide me through that aspect of my life, and my friends to say, “It will work out, we serve a faithful God who will guide you through this.”  With out both of them I would not have made it to the supposedly confident person I am today.

At Multnomah I learned to cut out people who dragged me down and said that I wasn’t worth their time, remove myself from devious situations, and say I got this, my bad attitude of F*@# OFF or otherwise known as just being a complete witch, well has gotten me out of my mess. Encouragers, we still need you, wise council don’t ever leave us, because we cannot guide ourselves.

You are all the reason why I am, who I am today. Those who judge us and put us down, through manipulation, abuse, anger, yelling, You will not take our power, I will never give up, and those who are trapped in it I implore you to seek refuge and help, from your mind, the attacker, the abuser, manipulator, and your doubt. Doing nothing won’t allow you to succeed; it will trap you, consume you, and not allow you to escape. Find wise council, and true supportive friends, find out who you are, and let yourself shine, then, and only then will you succeed.

1 Cor 4:3-4
³ I care very little if I am judged by you or by any human court; indeed, I do not even judge myself. ⁴ My conscience is clear, but that does not make me innocent. It is the Lord who judges me.

 

My strength, is not my own. I am not confident in myself, but rather what I believe in.

Priorities

The understandings that we should choose a certain path or that we are on some destiny might be falsely accused by the misrepresentation of humanity. Who knew the mysteries of this earth would be so bountifully misguided or hopefully continued on the hectic path that we call life.

No mysteries ever could relate to the perceptions that we wear through our life. Yes we all have priorities, and taught differently about each thing. Who knew that one path could bring two outcomes. My life's goal should only be to serve our maker. But how is my goal reflected in life?
I have the greatest desire to serve others in broken communities, and to encourage their life long goal of being successful. Those successful, I have little desire to work with or interact with, though I may partner and hope to share success with them.
The rest, too proud to even continue understanding others. Those are the ones I have difficulty with, and yes, I too fit in this bracket. Here are my priorities. What I should have...

God: I should spend time pursuing his word understanding what it means and giving up selfish desires to hope for something not in his will for me, but in his. Mind you I have choices here too, and God warns me when I am misguided. But he is my first priority, or at least he should be.
I know many Christians who have let him be second, third, fourth, fifth, or whatever, who have gone down a more destructive pattern, and maybe I am there too. Who knows. I know not every aspect of my life matches up, but I have a hope and desire to serve God by doing the best I can, which always is less than what he deserves.
My life is not perfect, nor do I expect it to be, we live in a fallen world with sin, destructive patterns and unfortunately humanity, which is falling apart at the seams where God built it. Why did he make us, why did he keep us I will never know, but this is or should be my top priority.

Family: This counts for almost any one who can build me up support me and be my foundation when failing thoughts and miseries surround my daily life. They are my rock, they keep me supported, and I do not always do a well enough job to help them. I might be God's servant, but I am a piece that keeps my family together. I wont sacrifice that for anyone but God, especially if I do not feel right about the situation.

Whats difficult right now is I'm not sure about a situation, of which I actually am curious about. I feel so inspired and so abandoned at the same time. I'm not sure who I'll be or what I'll say when things turn and seasons change. But what I will know and understand is that these happen for a reason, and God will be there as a support. I do not believe he has given up yet.

My family does well in supporting the decisions I make in my life. They may not know every aspect of my life. Some things are better left unspoken and just between you, the other person and God. People don't need to know everything in life, they'd go crazy. Actually try and imagine everything you've ever done and see if you'd want that to be shared. Embarrassing... Right? Though if asked I try to be as honest and open as I can. I believe the majority of my family would agree and support this idea.

Work: This I feel like should also be my second priority, it actually fights family for second place. This is everything that holds my world up. Unfortunately our world is built on a foundation of self worth and finances. What sucks is that we have bills to take up our finances we receive. Paul didn't have this problem, because he was really powerful and then when he converted he didn't have anything and trusted God. Sometimes that's what we need to do, give up our own selfish desires and wander out into the wilderness to find God.  Giving up everything might be a good start, just to find him. That is how the disciples did it. That change was their personal mid-life crisis that changed their lives forever.

Volunteer: This is for any section that comes from giving your time and effort in what you believe in. God asks us to Give our time our energy and sometimes money. This would all be considered tithes and offerings that we contribute to his plan. Why would we volunteer if it didn't have anything to go on as far as materials or biblical foundations? We wouldn't.

See here is the thing, the mysterious lies that we all think are OK, aren't. They do not do any favor toward any one. When they are finally thought about believed we turn it into a huge maze that cannot be won. Sometimes we have to be on our own in order to find all the checkpoints in the maze. In which the turmoil sets in because we are alone, in our flesh, living in an unjust world with a just maker unsure of where to go next.

Tides and Convictions

I’m lost in convictions in the subtle lies, no longer desiring to be by your side. I’m not sure how I feel about this moment in time, but I know things will change throughout the tides. The secret compiles of the mischievous crimes, against the one who saved our lives, can no longer keep us together, and therefore we will be part forever. The bars which I stand behind, I no longer hide, I face the facts that I want you by my side. Which one? I’m not sure.  I wish both, but both would be absurd.

 The subtle convictions in my mind have been consuming thoughts from our ties. Who knew it would come to this? Certainly not I. If I could choose anything in the world, I could not. For now I just exist with out the rot. But yet the corpse is rotting, not able to get up.  And here I stand waiting, unable to breath, untouched.

Where to go from here I am unsure, lost and confused like a bur unknown of its place.

Where would I go? Who can I see? Who can lift up this mystery? I wish I felt his arms around me, to know his love will forever be, not be seen for who he is and what he could be, for he is my maker and my keeper. And still I cannot breath.

I can cry over the things this world can offer, but then I realize I shouldn’t bother. This world will fade away, and no longer remain the same. My ideas of the change will morph on a greater day. As for now I await the tide to open the gates, so I can see the way, no longer believing just in one fate.

You’re still a dear loved one I desire, forever longing to be near. But years that stirred the fire, no longer can be here. What passions were involved, can no longer be, what will be resolved, is something that’s of need. Though you’re still a love I’d always keep, our relationship will be up beat, if we can find a way to keep, ourselves on our knees right by the saviors feet.

It can never be a goodbye; too many things will crumble and cry. I wish there was an easier way, one with out conflictions, convictions or tides. But these are the things that must pass us by.

I’ve fallen into the traps that were set, by humans and beings with lots of fret. Now there might be regret, though what we had was and is still real, we understand a deeper feel:  One of loss sorrow, unsure of tomorrow, freaked out of what the future will swallow, from our lives that we cling to.

Hope is for you and me, no more lonely inquires, but satisfaction rings with beauty from kings.

Please protect our spiritual lives, to be directed to brighter tides: Calmer and steady, Unwavering and ready, to follow you.

My dear one I love you, now and forever. I am excited to see you blossom in your endeavors.

Love,

Well You Know Who….

What's Love Anyway?

There is a blissful understanding that nothing will ever be the same as that moment we are in. We change, we hope, we desire, and those things that drive us to do so don't always get to know how beautiful they are or could be. We just turn our selves inward and don't acknowledge those people who showed so much love and understanding for our lives.

Your captivation upon our hearts and live will drive us to accomplish greater things. One thing I wont say is thank you, because I'll host bitterness with in my heart toward the lack of change I see in you.

Maybe this is the exact reason marriage is so stinking hard, because no matter how hard we try to keep love strong, we realize we are changing, ever so slightly and that change, not only we need to get accustomed to but the other one person in our lives also needs to adjust, maybe it is the drive toward becoming something greater that we forget of the presence of another person. Maybe that is why we leave morph and extinguish the love that once existed... Just like our relationship with God.

He is one I'd like a clearer understanding of, yeah read our bible, but in honesty I just want to sit down and have a face to face conversation with him about life, what his struggles were and how those struggles apply to todays culture, and if certain things are ok and if they aren't.

I've seen the legalistic viewpoints on basic topics like, alcohol, playing card, apparel, hair, and jewelry. I see how some might have mistaken some things to be stricter than what historical biblical foundations were. (Example: woman should be silent). Look into the context, historically woman had no knowledge of what was spoken in the church, and now because of woman having the ability to talk and go to school, having a say and being able to read, we can now speak up. Before men only had the ability to read and interpret the bible. So, women speak up and lead, which happened a few times in the actual biblical text.

Some text I wont ever understand, but here is the thing, if we are devote lovers of Christ and we show his love to others while attempting to understand things said biblically maybe he'll make it known. The only reason we understand the text is because he makes it known. Somethings I know I am not sure about, but if he wants us to know its wrong boy he'll give us warnings, and he'll be able to help us recognize truth in what we read. As long as we are faithful to him.

I love people who are different from me, what's interesting is I find a harder time loving people who are exactly like me, because I find more fault in me than anyone else, which is why bitterness can creep in.
I love a person, I love many, and what is interesting is no matter how angry, how distraught and how terrified I am God gives me strength, because he is the ultimate "love machine". We should be able to withstand the destructive terrors of others because we know we are carrying God's love.

Be who you are, attempt to understand the bible, and pray that he makes it known to you if you doubt aspects of it or are unsure of anything, he can help you understand. But God have mercy on those who think they can judge others with out themselves being judged by God.

And if you take anything away from this,
People are beautiful, lets love them for who they are, or who they could be not what they are doing or how we think they should act, but for them. 

God has the ability to make known to them what they are missing, we as christians can guide with truth, but when truth is contorted and not really expressed the mischievous one has room for doing all sorts of things to screw people over. 

Adult Choices

Well, life is definitely more complicated than it ever was when I was a kid. There are more expectations, which we all crave to hide in our rooms shut and lock the world out. Unfortunately, being an adult means to face it. To gauge the interactions, distance, and boundaries that we need to have with individuals that roam our daily life. Not just individuals but chores of every day life: accounting, time management, relationships, Fun things to do.

Some times I wish I could take back somethings in my life give me a little more freedom than I have. I hate asking for money, and I hate lying about things. Not lying per-say but more like sneaking around the fact that I have no money and just getting by. There are two things in this world that I would love to do. Repay the people whom I've borrowed from, and learn.

If I stop learning I stop growing, experiencing other ideas, about who I am who I want to be. My experiences give me guidance  to be who I want to be, ever so slightly changing my desires and passion to what I pray is God's will for my life. That is what I hope.

What I've noticed, isn't the opposite, it's just not the trail I thought I'd be on. Maybe I just need more patience. But Im getting tired of waiting for the day things will just be alright, that I will possibly have enough to share with others, that I can give things to others in need. That I wont be the one in need any more... This is what I had hoped. Budgeting is not my forte for money, not really is it for time either...

Since my injury my time has been consumed of physical therapy, orthopedic surgeons, and other wondrous doctors. They are all very nice, but when Im done with work I go hang out with these people, who are rather awesome, and tiresome. at about 6:30 I am done, but I don't want to go home - traffic and other disasters await on the road- so I go to friends homes and visit them. This way I can hang out with my friends still having other motivations to just drive up there randomly. Mind you, I do this too. I love my friends, not only here but in the other states.

Our relationships have been built on hardships, understandings, misunderstandings, lazy attitudes, encouragement, above all LOVE. This is the biggest most important thing in my friendships, and no not all mushy gushy, cuddles and kisses, but the love that you would do anything for that persons safety. To preserve their truth and identity, to not represent them when interacting with other, to defend them, at least their character, when they might be wrong about something.

I think though this love has a tight line that could be crossed over to a romantic love. I believe that I have breeched or at least came really close to crossing the line. I don't ever want to hurt this friend or any for that matter. They mean so much to me. I'd protect them in every circumstances, no matter what they were.

I'm in love with this person, I  don't expect people to understand yet, I mean we've hung out but I cannot stop thinking about them 24/7 and if anything ever happened to them I'd be distraught. I know I mess up sometimes, and that I am a terrible person for watching certain movies or listening to certain music, or claiming things that might not be mine to claim. But if I truly loved this person like I think I do.. If they asked I'd do my best to stop.

But I don't even know if it is right... All I know is love is a tricky twisted thing that plays with the strings of the heart and sometimes I'd rather deal with the physical pain of an injury than the pain of a metaphorical heart ripping apart. It may take 12 months to heal from a torn ACL, but it takes a life time to heal from a heart ache. Even when the pain ceases the memory goes on. Fun things aren't as fun, and the ground gets cold and dead, and finally when you're past all that the only thing to live for is what you cant see or touch, but you can feel every day, by the blessings he brings, which might not be so bad, if we weren't consumed with our thoughtless active desires.

I love you, my special person and I wish the complexities in the world wouldn't ruin what we could have, or even what we do. Hopefully it will be safer for us again...
<3 Christine

PS Maybe being an adult is doing things we don't want to do but have to do.

Cracking World

Who is this person who shows many faces; the one behind the curtain? Who is it I am supposed to see, view, hear, control, lie to, hope in, and trust? What’s next in a book of lies?

“I am what you see. I am not sure who I want to be or what to do. All I know is the passions that direct me. My faces are my own and you may have just as many or more. You’re supposed to see me, but you’ll never know the struggle on my insides, no one sees that deep. 

You are only able to control yourself, God gives you this strength. I am uncertain of the other things, but you are strong, you’ll find a way, if you ignore the lies and grip to the truth. “

Do you grip the truth?

We all have doubts, even you. The point is that we will continue to grow and mature to figure out those things we deny and hate about ourselves. Come on you have things too not just me.

I’ll figure it out sure, but I don’t know what to do. I can wear faces just like you; I can pretend it will all be OK. But I won’t know what to do… how to act… What if I turn out to be a hermit and crawl in a hole in this abyss?

I know this will be better. This is barren land filled with heartache for some. That might be what it becomes for me; instead of fighting it, I might start fleeing it. What am I supposed to do? Do you really trust me to do what is necessary? What even are they?

Something that makes you happy, do that. I’ve been doing that recently and it’s helped a lot. You will make it, you’re strong.

My world is cracking and I am unclear on what to do.  I don’t know what I need to do? What could I continue in? I am so afraid of the answer, and who to talk to, what to say or how to act. Guide me in my mistakes, leads, and deeds which are good.

I am not a failure and don’t plan to start now, ugh I just want direction from you and the multiple things that I’ve experienced these past two months make me question everything that aimed to my goal. I want so badly to do something important. What prize should I focus on?

Trust me. Let me in… to all of your darkest corners… We’ll clean out the cobwebs, kill the spiders. I want to shine the flashlight to clear the darkest moment in your life. Will you let me?

Maybe…

I think I am worse than you; I don’t want to look at the Bible because it will prove some of my thinking wrong. My perception of the world will be shattered, which is not something I can do on my own. It requires something keeping the self together, not your own strength, and I don’t think I can do it on my own; I’m just not strong enough. You were my strength and I’m draining it from you. I’m not allowed say this, but I love you.

We say co-dependent relationships are unhealthy, but what about with God?

Insignificance

Who said that we were important? What makes it so that we become so prideful in things that we do? Why should we be prideful in the things of which are wrong?

Manipulation: Could this ever be a good thing?
I've manipulated hearts and changed what they thought of themselves... Gave them pride in things they couldn't control. I took pride in that. Manipulation of peoples minds... Hitler/Stalin... Would I be compared that greatly to a person, who dictated how people were run, gunned down and injured just because the man felt insignificant enough to want power in return? Do I have a Dictator inside of me? YES. We all want control of our lives relationships... and the easiest way to accomplish that goal, if you are me would be MANIPULATION, which I've had pride in.

Independence: What is too much?
A parent of mine wished that I would have less independence. I never knew I had too much. I don't like help from other people. I don't like being dependent on others to give me financial stability. Pride... Yes, being told sometimes that I would be unworthy made me a fighter. The fact that I accomplished what I had set out to do and did not give any credit to the one who let me... That is my pride. I think its all me. Never any one else.
I was doing the dishes the other night... Three people asked me if I needed help. I just had surgery, but I can do things on my own. In my head, I wanted help, what was out spoken was "I got this, I'm really OK." This is the forever lie I always feed my self. Sometimes I cannot continue all alone, but I wont say it -because I am a fighter-only to pretend I am as strong as I want people to believe: that I can do it on my own. Too much independence - PRIDE.

Relationships: I don't understand them OR why people have the desire to set others up.
I want control of this area. Every time it is mine to control I know it doesn't work right or that I change it into a mind game. Whenever a relationship idea created visions in my head and some one initiated the formality of it (normally not me) God would always whisper in my head, "Christine, what are you doing?"
MY RESPONSE: "Ya know what, You're not doing a fantastic job of leading me through my life obviously, and they seem nice. Why not?"  When it was good, its amazing or so it seems, but when its bad manipulations ensue, freak outs from both parties, and it rains destruction. The whispers are still in the back of my head. (Example of James 1:15) Control? It doesn't exist, yet so often we try and grasp the reigns and steer our lives one way or the next with out trust in the one thing that will get us to our passions. (Psalms 37:4) When I try to control it is because of my pride.

God has the last one planned in his time and way. The middle one controlled. The first one changing as I recognized the harm its been creating others.

My pride is causing a lack of humility and intimacy with God. Of course in order to fear God we need to be insignificant, so he can show us how he wants us to be significant. Control is the desire ensued by fear. Our only task is to fear God, which I don't know quite what that means yet, but as I am realizing how small I am and am seeing that he is so much bigger than all of the petty fears I find in myself.

TRUST THROUGH MY INSIGNIFICANCE
Taking away my pride is a change in my thought process, its learning how to be humble, how to trust him, and learning to keep open communication; so I am able to hear what his desires are for me to put them as my own. Becoming one with something is intimacy.

Manipulations: God has brought up things I took pride in, which I've not thought about in years,  and said, "I want you to change your look on this". This  takes trust understanding and humility. The couple things I am working on so there may be more intimacy in my relationship with him.

Independence: God said to me to be honest with others in what you feel, the most important help you can get is being vulnerable in who you really are. Not hiding the things that need to be seen. Allow yourself to let others feed into you. This was noticed through surgery, God broke me and is putting me back together stronger than what I was. Breaking me is sometimes the only way to say, "Christine you cannot do this on your own, realize your friends gifts, show them what they are, allow them to pour into you, because you know and can pour into them because you feel deeply for them."

Relationships: I could brag about these, but there is nothing there. I understood what defiance meant and didn't care. I became reckless in who I was didn't care. Apathy is the opposite of Love, at least in my knowledge. In this area I had an apathy for Christ in this part of my story, which appears to be the most stressful.
He kept saying "RELEASE THE CONTROL!" (Proverbs 16:9, 19:21, Jeremiah 10:23)

I never want to relinquish control to one whom I don't fully understand, but that is where trust comes in. This is the reason why I am unable to move on from past things. Though I know he is the one person who can block my insane stubbornness with unconditional love. Therefore, I've found my true love and passion, him who gives me peace. Philippians 4:7 And the peace of God which surpasses all understanding will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. I give it to you, not just once.

The chaos of these emotions are like waves in the sea, but when he's my ground, I find freedom. A song has been stuck in my head frequently- OCEANS- I am Peter apparently. When I call your name, I'll keep my eyes above the waves, because when the ocean will rise, I will rest in your embrace. I am yours and you are mine. Its beautiful.

Pride needs to be humbled. Control needs to be relinquished for trust. The trust that he loves. (Proverbs 16)

If that is too long it can be summed up to these:
Prov. 16: 18-19 Pride goes before destruction, and a haughty spirit before a fall. It is better to be of lowly spirit with the poor than to divide the spoil with the proud. Whoever gives thought to the word will discover good, and blessed is he who trusts him. 


Continue to make me have insignificance so I will understand the love you provide in such a way I wish to desire nothing less.

Thank you.

Mary-go-round pt 2

We are supposed to love our enemies, but what if we are ourown enemy?

In this life we are not supposed to fear.

Not hold dear to the things which are near.

Not to know but one thing we should fear

GOD.

Who say not to keep those things that we fear near?

Who say we cannot do the things we need to be dear?

Im not afraid of the past

Because that’d just be daft

Not to understand the darkest cast

Brought upon the nearest mast

Freedom

Who determines how freedom has been cast?

Who needs others to show their fear from the past?

I want to be bold

Beyond the furthest hold

Not stopping for their fold

But knowing what I’ve told

Strength

Unknown what the future may hold

Unsure about what others have told

I’d like to be able say to the future

Behold it is not my nature

To show you how I nurture

Others who’ve been butchered

The nearer future

Cannot be butchered

Nor can it be nurtured

Dilemma  

Who knows what it nurtures among the foulest creatures?

Who controls the billows of the nature beyond the future?

Who determines who’s weaker or stronger?

Who creates the length of grandeur?

There is a secret beauty

That lies beneath our vulnerability

The despise beyond the possibility

Creates the curiosity

Challenge

Who can say what we don’t know creates a possibility torespect Thee?

What if we accepted the beauty in the challenge of our curiosity?

Should we take the time to expose

The lullabies with in our souls

Revealing the vulnerabilities

Among the possibilities

That what is held in the future

Is for us to find the nurture

That our father above told

Our family of old

Or the tales of darkest pasts

Can reveal the freeing masts

That we no longer have to fear

But we can draw near

To the one who can free us, God.

Which we can find the strength to fight for our freedom fromthe challenging dilemmas that we face in the future, that we could not find thestrength in ourselves

The double face mask

There is something about it. The S word. No not the swear word. But the one that requires you to go to the hospital... Yeah that one. Surgery.

But before all of that nonsense there are other things that need to be discussed. Seriously, I am normally a reckless person. I expected something like the s word could have no doubt crossed the conversations in the span of my life time. I just didn't expect it to happen then, the prime time of my "young - adulthood". It would've been more expected in my 50s or even 40s. But not when I am 25.

If you've read my blog steadily you may have noted that I graduated in May of 2013, this year and right after finals week I received a call saying I got a job at a particular company that deals with emotionally disturbed youth. I was excited, and it had become my dream to start helping families-before DHS had ripped them apart for understandable reasons. My dream was to work with the level 5's and lower, to teach them skills so they can control anxieties and frustrations and learn to find good supporters that they needed to eventually stand on their own. That was my plan.

Four months into this hope, dream, aspiration of the job I've come to realize that I am not able to perform the duties that I once had, of which I enjoyed so very much. I wasn't being reckless at all; I just merely played a game with the youth I worked with. During this game I did a short stop turn kick and destroyed my ACL (tendon in the knee needed for stabilization... turning, bending, jumping, and running). September 12, 2013 makes me feel like my course has changed even though my aspiration has not. I guess it's another raging river rapid in my life's journey pertaining to my desired life's work.

There is a benefit and a shortcoming to it happening at work. First the benefit, I did not need to pay for practically anything, which I owe every bit of gratitude toward the claim company. My case worker has been kind through my paranoia and has walked with me through much of it even though I’ve only known her for a month. Second the shortcoming, everything takes 20x longer than if it were on my own insurance.

Some people say that I have nothing to complain about, but everyone has their quarrels, so here is my saying. Maybe some of you know what it’s like to have the rug pulled out from under your feet surrounded by a dust storm, not being able to see anything around you. That is how I've felt. It had taken them a month and a half for me to see an orthopedic surgeon. It took another month and a half for them to schedule my surgery. Im still not able to do work or enjoy things that I used to, and I am becoming restless, bored, and frankly done with it all.

After all, what do you do when you are told you cannot work for months and you are almost out of money? Sure they still pay you but at 50-60% of normal, but there are bills: rent, electric, health, car, dental, vision, and renters insurance, electric, credit cards, and the luxury of internet that apparently everyone needs. This means pay checks had a minimal of 50$ for food maybe a little more per month. It meant Adult Life just got Harder and things were put on hold.

I stopped trying to find a home. I couldn't work anymore, couldn't find a desk job, because that would mean I'd lose the financial ability for me to go through with the surgery. I previously lost the ability to control my life, which was God's job any way, though I wished it was mine. I'd like it if he could sometime show me the whole picture instead of just pieces of the puzzle. I don't like putting my life on hold so I can analyze one piece. I'm a busy body, I need to keep moving. If I stop I break down, and its bad.

I used to have anxiety attacks at least two to three times a week at school. Some people said maybe I needed to quit, or that I needed to read the Bible more, or that I just wasn't trusting. These things take time, which unfortunately I have less patience on myself than I do on kids. My anxiety ended when I graduated and went to work. Now that my job is no longer a part of my life for longer than 5 months, it has returned stronger than ever.

There is the fear that paralyzes you with every "worst case scenario" that doctors give you. The fear that is caused by the unknown, creates doubt and sickness in the hopes and dreams that have been created previously. Evidently, these all turn to darkness so the only-thing one feels is the anxiety and the lack of hope that anything will be right again.

Questions I have had in my mind: How is this going to help my future goal? Will my job sack me? Will they wish to move me to another location? Do they like me? Will they trust me for what I have to say? Is my dream valid for what God wants me to do? Will I be able to change it if it is not his desire for me to have this goal? What is his desire for my life? And how can I do my best with what I've been given... esp. when I feel like I've been given nothing? Do I trust you to protect me when I am afraid? How can I when I don’t even remember certain things, or you are not here?

I’m currently on Percocet which apparently changes the mood of who you are. I was finally at peace when I was taking between 8-10 a day. Now, I take 4-8 a day depending on how much pain I feel. I've also noticed it helps calm my nerves. Counterproductive when attempting to safely get off of it. So my desire is to effectively get off of it and not be in a constant state of panic. This is what paralyzes me.

I don't know how to explain it, but I am unable to provide a constant state of peaceful relaxation with the events that have occurred. The fact that I am unsure of where I will be going in a year creates the challenges of the unknown. My friends will be leaving in May and that creates an even greater stressor. So what do I decide to do? Move.

The hope of purchasing a home was fulfilled. I'm currently in the process of closing on a home that is further away from the school and the people that I am used to seeing on a regular basis. The thing I fear with this endeavor is being cut off from people; being alone. I've never liked being on my own, but I've been able to learn how to be independent due to how I've grown up. The part of where I am in my life makes me nervous of what I should become. So this is who I am an overwhelmed unsure person who doesn't know the direction they need to go. Yeah.