The double face mask

There is something about it. The S word. No not the swear word. But the one that requires you to go to the hospital... Yeah that one. Surgery.

But before all of that nonsense there are other things that need to be discussed. Seriously, I am normally a reckless person. I expected something like the s word could have no doubt crossed the conversations in the span of my life time. I just didn't expect it to happen then, the prime time of my "young - adulthood". It would've been more expected in my 50s or even 40s. But not when I am 25.

If you've read my blog steadily you may have noted that I graduated in May of 2013, this year and right after finals week I received a call saying I got a job at a particular company that deals with emotionally disturbed youth. I was excited, and it had become my dream to start helping families-before DHS had ripped them apart for understandable reasons. My dream was to work with the level 5's and lower, to teach them skills so they can control anxieties and frustrations and learn to find good supporters that they needed to eventually stand on their own. That was my plan.

Four months into this hope, dream, aspiration of the job I've come to realize that I am not able to perform the duties that I once had, of which I enjoyed so very much. I wasn't being reckless at all; I just merely played a game with the youth I worked with. During this game I did a short stop turn kick and destroyed my ACL (tendon in the knee needed for stabilization... turning, bending, jumping, and running). September 12, 2013 makes me feel like my course has changed even though my aspiration has not. I guess it's another raging river rapid in my life's journey pertaining to my desired life's work.

There is a benefit and a shortcoming to it happening at work. First the benefit, I did not need to pay for practically anything, which I owe every bit of gratitude toward the claim company. My case worker has been kind through my paranoia and has walked with me through much of it even though I’ve only known her for a month. Second the shortcoming, everything takes 20x longer than if it were on my own insurance.

Some people say that I have nothing to complain about, but everyone has their quarrels, so here is my saying. Maybe some of you know what it’s like to have the rug pulled out from under your feet surrounded by a dust storm, not being able to see anything around you. That is how I've felt. It had taken them a month and a half for me to see an orthopedic surgeon. It took another month and a half for them to schedule my surgery. Im still not able to do work or enjoy things that I used to, and I am becoming restless, bored, and frankly done with it all.

After all, what do you do when you are told you cannot work for months and you are almost out of money? Sure they still pay you but at 50-60% of normal, but there are bills: rent, electric, health, car, dental, vision, and renters insurance, electric, credit cards, and the luxury of internet that apparently everyone needs. This means pay checks had a minimal of 50$ for food maybe a little more per month. It meant Adult Life just got Harder and things were put on hold.

I stopped trying to find a home. I couldn't work anymore, couldn't find a desk job, because that would mean I'd lose the financial ability for me to go through with the surgery. I previously lost the ability to control my life, which was God's job any way, though I wished it was mine. I'd like it if he could sometime show me the whole picture instead of just pieces of the puzzle. I don't like putting my life on hold so I can analyze one piece. I'm a busy body, I need to keep moving. If I stop I break down, and its bad.

I used to have anxiety attacks at least two to three times a week at school. Some people said maybe I needed to quit, or that I needed to read the Bible more, or that I just wasn't trusting. These things take time, which unfortunately I have less patience on myself than I do on kids. My anxiety ended when I graduated and went to work. Now that my job is no longer a part of my life for longer than 5 months, it has returned stronger than ever.

There is the fear that paralyzes you with every "worst case scenario" that doctors give you. The fear that is caused by the unknown, creates doubt and sickness in the hopes and dreams that have been created previously. Evidently, these all turn to darkness so the only-thing one feels is the anxiety and the lack of hope that anything will be right again.

Questions I have had in my mind: How is this going to help my future goal? Will my job sack me? Will they wish to move me to another location? Do they like me? Will they trust me for what I have to say? Is my dream valid for what God wants me to do? Will I be able to change it if it is not his desire for me to have this goal? What is his desire for my life? And how can I do my best with what I've been given... esp. when I feel like I've been given nothing? Do I trust you to protect me when I am afraid? How can I when I don’t even remember certain things, or you are not here?

I’m currently on Percocet which apparently changes the mood of who you are. I was finally at peace when I was taking between 8-10 a day. Now, I take 4-8 a day depending on how much pain I feel. I've also noticed it helps calm my nerves. Counterproductive when attempting to safely get off of it. So my desire is to effectively get off of it and not be in a constant state of panic. This is what paralyzes me.

I don't know how to explain it, but I am unable to provide a constant state of peaceful relaxation with the events that have occurred. The fact that I am unsure of where I will be going in a year creates the challenges of the unknown. My friends will be leaving in May and that creates an even greater stressor. So what do I decide to do? Move.

The hope of purchasing a home was fulfilled. I'm currently in the process of closing on a home that is further away from the school and the people that I am used to seeing on a regular basis. The thing I fear with this endeavor is being cut off from people; being alone. I've never liked being on my own, but I've been able to learn how to be independent due to how I've grown up. The part of where I am in my life makes me nervous of what I should become. So this is who I am an overwhelmed unsure person who doesn't know the direction they need to go. Yeah.