Manipulation: Could this ever be a good thing?
I've manipulated hearts and changed what they thought of themselves... Gave them pride in things they couldn't control. I took pride in that. Manipulation of peoples minds... Hitler/Stalin... Would I be compared that greatly to a person, who dictated how people were run, gunned down and injured just because the man felt insignificant enough to want power in return? Do I have a Dictator inside of me? YES. We all want control of our lives relationships... and the easiest way to accomplish that goal, if you are me would be MANIPULATION, which I've had pride in.
Independence: What is too much?
A parent of mine wished that I would have less independence. I never knew I had too much. I don't like help from other people. I don't like being dependent on others to give me financial stability. Pride... Yes, being told sometimes that I would be unworthy made me a fighter. The fact that I accomplished what I had set out to do and did not give any credit to the one who let me... That is my pride. I think its all me. Never any one else.
I was doing the dishes the other night... Three people asked me if I needed help. I just had surgery, but I can do things on my own. In my head, I wanted help, what was out spoken was "I got this, I'm really OK." This is the forever lie I always feed my self. Sometimes I cannot continue all alone, but I wont say it -because I am a fighter-only to pretend I am as strong as I want people to believe: that I can do it on my own. Too much independence - PRIDE.
Relationships: I don't understand them OR why people have the desire to set others up.
I want control of this area. Every time it is mine to control I know it doesn't work right or that I change it into a mind game. Whenever a relationship idea created visions in my head and some one initiated the formality of it (normally not me) God would always whisper in my head, "Christine, what are you doing?"
MY RESPONSE: "Ya know what, You're not doing a fantastic job of leading me through my life obviously, and they seem nice. Why not?" When it was good, its amazing or so it seems, but when its bad manipulations ensue, freak outs from both parties, and it rains destruction. The whispers are still in the back of my head. (Example of James 1:15) Control? It doesn't exist, yet so often we try and grasp the reigns and steer our lives one way or the next with out trust in the one thing that will get us to our passions. (Psalms 37:4) When I try to control it is because of my pride.
God has the last one planned in his time and way. The middle one controlled. The first one changing as I recognized the harm its been creating others.
My pride is causing a lack of humility and intimacy with God. Of course in order to fear God we need to be insignificant, so he can show us how he wants us to be significant. Control is the desire ensued by fear. Our only task is to fear God, which I don't know quite what that means yet, but as I am realizing how small I am and am seeing that he is so much bigger than all of the petty fears I find in myself.
TRUST THROUGH MY INSIGNIFICANCE
Taking away my pride is a change in my thought process, its learning how to be humble, how to trust him, and learning to keep open communication; so I am able to hear what his desires are for me to put them as my own. Becoming one with something is intimacy.
Manipulations: God has brought up things I took pride in, which I've not thought about in years, and said, "I want you to change your look on this". This takes trust understanding and humility. The couple things I am working on so there may be more intimacy in my relationship with him.
Independence: God said to me to be honest with others in what you feel, the most important help you can get is being vulnerable in who you really are. Not hiding the things that need to be seen. Allow yourself to let others feed into you. This was noticed through surgery, God broke me and is putting me back together stronger than what I was. Breaking me is sometimes the only way to say, "Christine you cannot do this on your own, realize your friends gifts, show them what they are, allow them to pour into you, because you know and can pour into them because you feel deeply for them."
Relationships: I could brag about these, but there is nothing there. I understood what defiance meant and didn't care. I became reckless in who I was didn't care. Apathy is the opposite of Love, at least in my knowledge. In this area I had an apathy for Christ in this part of my story, which appears to be the most stressful.
He kept saying "RELEASE THE CONTROL!" (Proverbs 16:9, 19:21, Jeremiah 10:23)
I never want to relinquish control to one whom I don't fully understand, but that is where trust comes in. This is the reason why I am unable to move on from past things. Though I know he is the one person who can block my insane stubbornness with unconditional love. Therefore, I've found my true love and passion, him who gives me peace. Philippians 4:7 And the peace of God which surpasses all understanding will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. I give it to you, not just once.
The chaos of these emotions are like waves in the sea, but when he's my ground, I find freedom. A song has been stuck in my head frequently- OCEANS- I am Peter apparently. When I call your name, I'll keep my eyes above the waves, because when the ocean will rise, I will rest in your embrace. I am yours and you are mine. Its beautiful.
Pride needs to be humbled. Control needs to be relinquished for trust. The trust that he loves. (Proverbs 16)
If that is too long it can be summed up to these:
Prov. 16: 18-19 Pride goes before destruction, and a haughty spirit before a fall. It is better to be of lowly spirit with the poor than to divide the spoil with the proud. Whoever gives thought to the word will discover good, and blessed is he who trusts him.
Continue to make me have insignificance so I will understand the love you provide in such a way I wish to desire nothing less.
Thank you.
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