THE OUTING - 2017

Part of  me wants to call this pain is pain, but there is another side that should be a coming out truth to it. Here it is, I've been dating a woman of my dreams for almost two years. Being we are with in the Christian community I've been struggling of when the best time to come out and let everyone understand what situation I've been in.

I understand that not everyone will agree with my sentiments or understand the things that I have been inquiring about. But here they are, and I am still struggling with them. I consistently search for the answers to the questions people ask of me. I am not afraid of being wrong and people need to understand that when I understand what that entails I'll confess sins to God and keep going with my life.

*    *   *   *   *

Everything happened about three weeks ago in March. My mom and I conversed over the phone and came to the conclusion that my woman's mother asked mine if I was gay. So over the phone when asked, I stated, "no, I consider myself pan." We discussed that to me it meant being attracted to a spectrum of people, though attracted not acting on all of my attractions because of opinions/beliefs that I feel.

Her response, "oh! I'm that way too.." and when she looked up all of the definitions of what a pansexual is (2 weeks after my trip) she added, "are you sure you want to state you are that? It might dim your light God gave you on the world."

Now I personally believe God made me this way, from attractions to grade school all the way through now. I confirmed that I hold fast to a lot of the morals her and dad taught me; I do not believe in sex before marriage. She then had a puzzled look on her face and asked, "Are you married?"

"NO"- She continued to explain how if I wasn't sexually active I couldn't think that I was this way, and that me and mine are just best friends forever, or forever friends, or God friends. She continues to send bible references to me regarding my sexuality and how Christians don't believe that this is God's way for me... I haven't yet sent her the opposing views because I don't want to send them out of spite.

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My father, unfortunately I knew what he was going to ask me, how he was going to ask me, when he was going to ask me, and I praise God that He gave me two days warning to prepare myself for all of this.

We both arrived at the airport expectant for a bus to take us to the car, he was in a bad mood and I was kind of distant with interacting because I sensed the discomfort. "So what is up with your's and her's relationship? We've had inquiry by the mother and we would like to know where it stands."

My only response, "Dad we love each other, in this we support each other- emotionally, spiritually, and physically (un/fortunately not added when I spoke to him), we are independent financially- and until God plops a man into our lap we are good with this situation."

He continues, "Well what do you think about what the bible says about all of that, like in romans 1:26..." he continued to list of other bible references...

All I could say was that I'm looking into it and I'm figuring it out. I understand what both sides say in regards to it, and I am unsure how to exactly put my opinion out there, I am still researching. The conversation pretty much ended with them being unwilling to support me any more. I'm not entirely sure what that entails, but it felt like a threat, though I knew this was coming.

*   *   *   *

Now let me actually share a bit about what I think the bible talks about. Love, the purest form of love by putting other peoples needs above your own. Here is another thing, Rom 1:26 can be taken many ways, anti woman sex, anti orgies, anti worshiping of other gods through sex, anti prostitution, anti acting on lust for women.

Here is the thing with me and mine. I don't lust for her I love her, do I get jealous, yes sometimes, but I trust her. Even when she cant believe that she is worthy of love I show her that she is valued and cared for by doing things for her. ie. building something, making something, time, hugs, cooking, whatever. Sometimes she doesn't understand it but that is the truth, I love her and I'd give up a ton to continue being with her, and I already have. 

Tis the season..

Tis' the season... The season of Remembrance... Season of Advent... The season of Christ's birth. 

Who am I... I am nothing compared to my Creator, nothing, but a person to this world, but I am everything to Him, just as any other creature on this earth. My heart is heavy this season. I've lost many loved ones, and one is limited in contact, and I'm frustrated.

My last grandfather passed away in May, since I've discovered things about who I am in my family tree. He treasured everyone, even in his frustration. I only know my version of his story. I'm sure there were some unpleasant things, I don't know, but to me he was a gentle man of few words. Since his passing other things have happened. I grieve for my family, since we lost Aunt Betty, I cannot even imagine how her sister feels.

I appreciate who she was, I pray for who she is becoming, that she will discover joy again. I cannot imagine loosing all of my family. I've lost one so far, due to complications and it has made this Christmas worse. I am sad for those families around them. 

It reminds me of a dream I had a while ago, where a person wanders to a town over a bridge and interacts with the people on the street. People who were sleeping and needed to wake up, but no one was. They all went to bars, acted like they were on drugs, and frankly had a detached attitude toward external things. They were all numb. I just wanted them to wake up, then I discovered someone was trapping them there. Anyone who attempted to wake them up was greeted with hostile interrogation and behavior. 

This is the family that I am talking about- aggression, hate, fear, and numbness - what is creating their actions? What can I do from here? Nothing. So much loss and so much exhausting emotion. When one thing is right, it is so wrong in all the others eyes. So, who am I in this circumstance? No one, by stander. Wrong. I am a fighter, when I see injustice I stand up for it. Some people may be bruised or offended in the process. I'm not here to save, I am here to shed light. No more secrets for lies. Only truth and love can enlighten people. I love many, I try to love all. When I can't, it is normally because I am busy taking care of my self. I need love too.

As I said this season is a hard one. Filled with loss, and joy for those who have been lost and see the maker. By no means will this be an easy season. I have many memories with my Uncle Robert on Christmas, and one of the toys he gave me I still have. I remember Christmas at my GMA Schoonover's home, with everyone. Many are no more.

This season should not be sad, but it is for me. Families have been broken, friendships have been broken. I received some blame for them and that is OK. A war has two way streets, a war is not created by just one, but by more, there has to be at least one other. I hope that we can see this. May our hearts be open to how God wants us to act towards one another.

May we remember that this season is about family and hope. The Creator is the hope that we have. The Creator is the one who wakes us up. The Creator is Jesus Christ, and his birth is the miracle that we know, that we see, that we experience every year. Sometimes, he is the only joy, I find. He is the only thing that brings me joy, especially when so many things are wrong. He is the reason I celebrate the deaths that I've known. I will see them all again.

To grieve is natural part of life, Jesus did it, so can we. This season will be filled with some grieving, knowing that God's design was perfect and we made it corrupt, with the fall. This season will be filled with joy and celebration, with those who I love, joy knowing that it doesn't end here, but it keeps going, until the perfect end. 

Even the rocks will cry out.  Tis the season to sing praises to him. 

Health and Hidden Inflammation

Health. That is one of the number one topics of all time. Why do I say this? Because I cannot go more than two hours without hearing, Christine that doesn't look good for you.

I was diagnosed with Hashimotos Thyroiditis  in 2008 or 2009, and it has been an uphill battle. It all started with an unbalanced hormonal teen that possibly just turned 20 er 21, whose period lasted one month and a couple weeks. (Sorry boys if you are reading this) Can anyone imagine what that would have been like? (Doctor said it was cancer, thank God he was wrong) My Iron levels went to an 11 down to a 4, (average is about 12-16) I gained about 50lbs- quicker than I gained weight from quitting water polo- my stomach stress and becoming lethargic grew out of proportion, lastly my metabolism was shot. I lost hair, had brittle nails and had high anxiety and low motivation.

 Now that I've taken time to discuss elements of the disorder let me tell you what the disorder is. Hashimotos Thyroiditis: Hashimotos was the last name of the guy who discovered my disease and thyroiditis is inflammation (itis) of the thyroid.

You have an amazing immune system. When a bug enters in your body you have these antibodies that either recognize the bug or not. If they recognize it they all swarm around that bug (bacteria/virus/foriegn object) and do their best to counteract what it is doing to yourself (symptoms). This being said, my body thinks my thyroid is a foreign object.  My body attacks my thyroid,  through specific antibodies, this is what Hashimoto found. (I am not a doctor, so I am stating simply what I know) This then inhibits T4 from being produced so the brain shoots more signals saying, "HEY I'M NOT GETTING ENOUGH ...", so then your body continues to make T4 hormone. Part of it makes T3 too, but the biggest amount of T3 is produced from T4, and folks do you know what you need to be able to do that? Iron! This is supposed to help with metabolism.

So here I am low Iron, cannot absorb supplements without getting constipated and having other issues that created the BS diagnosis called IBS- irritable bowel syndrome- I like to think that the doctors don't know what goes on sometimes so they label this when in reality it is just their I really enjoy bull shitting you (IBS- I bull shit),  and in my head I'm like "yeah! cuz I need more shitting in my life."

The point being is that I've had stomach problems since I think I was 8-10 somewhere around there. Yes, it could have been anxiety, it could have been "IBS" or it could have been something else. I was food tested somewhere around the age of 9-13. What did I find? I had a mild reaction to Dairy, Wheat, Corn, and Peanuts (the list went on of over 50 things they tested for). I didn't stop consuming those until quite recently, when I was tested again at age 27/28. Age 27 I was tested for a gluten allergy, I was curious if I had celiacs disease. The test came back as positive for being highly sensitive to gluten. When I heard they had to clip a part out of my gut to see if the silla was curled over, I figured, "eh, I'll just avoid it, I've struggled with holes in my gut before, no thanks". At age 28  I found out that the reason that those appeared in my bloodstream is that they were causing leaky gut. This is my definition of what Leaky Gut is.

Leaky Gut - This is when tiny permeable wall in your intestine starts to let bigger particle through into other parts of your body, like the bloodstream, that they were otherwise supposed to digest.

When you eat something and your body doesn't agree with it it causes more inflammation. The more you allow inflammation to continue the more autoimmune diseases could develop. I was first diagnosed with an autoimmune disease Hashimotos, then Celiacs, and it was hinted that I could possibly have Chrons in the future.

So I decided to do some research on what causes inflammation in the body. If I personally had so much difficulty with my stomach I figured I'd start there. I started researching things like how dairy, gluten, nightshades, and corn can affect us. It honestly depends on your body. There has been research done that says the amount of sugar and processed foods we consume create a higher amount of inflammation that we cannot see. Which normally means, what we cannot see we do not think about. We should! Alot of our symptoms are now what doctors think is the problem. It could be that it is your Gut asking you to help it out.

All I know, is that if our guts were healthy there wouldn't be Hahsimotos, Diabetes, Chrons, Celiacs, and who knows maybe depression and anxiety. I've known people who were diagnosed specifically with Hashimotos and Diabetes who have changed their entire diets around and have had no more symptoms- even from a medical doctors diagnosis- they just went away. Now I'm sure they had a routine excersize ya know all that, but one thing at a time. I believe that diet is huge. I've taken out gluten, I've taken out dairy in 99% of things. Now the nuts, corn, and nightshades.  Then I will work on exercise... Will it be easy.... No, but I want to be who God designed me to be, the best I can be.

So I can have more energy, stronger hair, nails, joints, overall better health, less lethargic, more cooperation in metabolism. I want to be healthy and homemade. I want to have the motivation to make things home made. No more prepared soups in cans, no more boxed lunches that you throw in to microwave. No more processed things. No more high fructose corn syrup, why? because it is killing me. Let me be the one to encourage others to have a higher health standard for themselves.

Links to other sources:
http://dailyburn.com/life/health/inflammatory-foods-what-is-inflammation/
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/26287637

Dairy Products and Inflammation: A Review of the Clinical Evidence

MY PRAYER:
God,
Give me the strength that I need to fulfill your requests, to make my body healthy and whole. God I need you to guide me in the things I eat and do for my body. Heal my Gut, encourage me to be proactive and healthy these next few months. I know I cannot do it alone. Teach me stewardess for my body and circumstances. You've provided all and you give us no more than we can handle. I ask that more people will look into this issue of food and what we place in our bodies. Thank You for Loving me where I am.
~Chris

#Thyroid #Health #inflammation #iron #gut

Family

Well it is that time, I waited two days shame, shame. But at the same time I've found out more scandle about my family than I think I ever wanted to know. So n So had an afair with Bla Bla, some one tried to shoot some one else, and the list goes on.
On friday I was able to go to the zoo for special events that had to do with band covers and booze. Being that it was all free I decided why not. She got some great pictures of me. My aunt said she would not be suprised by my life she says she hardly gets supprised by anything. She continues an said, "Now if you said you became an axe murder, then I'd be suprised."
I asked her if thinking about it would be sufficiant and in response she just goes "OOOO NOOO"
It is also interesting that there is more than one gay, bi, lesbian, in my family. who knew a family could have so many or suspisions regarding it. Oh yeah and the amount of afairs is amazing. So things that run in my family: affairs, suicide, depression, people working in Psychology/Mental Health, the gay community, the artistic ability, abuse, animosty....Possibly even gullableness.
On that note I'm going to tell a brief story. My grandma heard a story that my grandpa had said... "one day I was sitting there smokin, but because I din have a pipe i carved a corn stick n started smoking through it" So one day he over heard her and said Gert I was kidding. She was so mad and flabbergasted. "
According to the schoonover side we come from a line of "bastards" (litteral translation) we have no father. But apparenly my family has other ties that are un ethical, which I won't get into due to political arguments and wars. I found out I am part of the DAR and could be on both sides of the family.
I also found out that part of me is from holland and when my family came over they named what is now NYC, The new amsterdam. Assumption: I came from amsterdam. Though I am super german I think I would really enjoy learning about my ethnic culture and other things.
I am curious on how they would concider me as purbread or a mutt. I am unsure, dont really care. For me, culture is made up of so many different veriables that it is hard to encounter the total essance of what culture really is.
I want to learn about my family reunions from my grandmas side and go to a castle in Germany to celebrate. I believe that would be the best part about it.

Assisted Suicide

Assisted suicides tends not to be something that people look at as an option. Majority of the states say that it is illegal to commit suicide, which that alone is a complicated topic. This will no be a research paper but an opinion based topic that I hope to shed light on: particularly with the complications that come attached to it.

Here is the senerio. Three people siting on a plane all right next to each other. So it becomes a little tense when anyone talks about suicide. The terminology in regards to what it is actually called and for medical suffering I cannot remember. Besides the point. Back to the plane scene, the middle person mentions how their parent and their parent all suffered from Alzhiemer. In the end they realized that there is no helping them.

Most Alzhiemer patience understand that there is something happening to their brain and they have no controll over it. Like in the movie Allegiant, there was a scene where a person's mind has been wiped clean. I can oonly assume that is how it is for those with Alzhiemer.

The one in the middle we'll call them 2 said, "When I get to the age where I am losing mmy memory and there is nothing lleft then I want to die." Two continnude to talk about how this desease effected them and how the state of living comes down to nothing. Two didn't want to loose their dignety. They didnt want other people to have to change them and they didnt want their money to go toward care taking. See I also understand that.

Here is the thing that makes me nervous about if a law like that passes, a law that is currently only for those with severe suffering. If it becomes broaden to those who have lost either all bodily functioning or all brain capacity how are we to secure the safety of mental health. They already have struggles with understanding that there is a choice. If we add a law regarding this who would say that the people with mental illness wouldnt cheat the system and use this new law and say their mind has left the body or that  their is no process going on inside the body or vice versa, who could say that the behavior of those who commited suicide was right or wrong.

Honestly I think it would be an ok idea as long as the proposal was written correctly to explain everything that could be taken advantage of.

** note I've not done  sufficient research in this area, but it's a concern if a loose law was passed.

Loves Complicated, Truth Hurts, and Depression Sucks

Here is the biggest thing I know. I care... Possibly more than other people I know. Some times I am selfish, sometimes I am withdrawn. But honestly if you are having a crisis I am there. I have a habit in my life of sharing forthright what I think and what I believe. People consider this to be rude, unthoughtful, uncaring, unconcerned, unhelpful, abrasive, and down right in their business.

Now lets get to the title matter:
Love: this is usually described worldly by sex and the whole, "oh my goodness he's so hot." Do,  you think he likes me.... OK lets stop. What is Love?
Biblically which is the only way to describe it, because it was created first by God and is God can only be characterized by actions, ya know do things, because he/she wants too... what does the person do to show that they love me?
For me they cook, do the dishes, help with things, go out to the store with me, fold socks (thanks Mom). (This may be considered acts of Service) tells me how much they love me using past expressions of their love on paper. (Some call this words of affirmation) My personal favorite is when they don't have any time to spend with me they take time, sacrificing what they are doing: grades, homework, cleaning, art, etc, and then turning it into something the person wants to do, that maybe they don't want to do.  Giving random gifts and or touch.


People ask me for advice I give it, I give my time, my money and my life for some people. I respond to things that people do as if they were my child. Maybe that is wrong to do, maybe it is wrong to care that deeply for people. But to watch them throw it all away, for what one potential relationship, one thing: to feel whole, to feel happiness for a blip of a moment, to crave intimacy where there is none. OR when people think I don't care, because I like to watch them be tortured by something: a movie, a forgetful move.... Yes, my desire is to torture you! I want to destroy your every being.

OF COURSE NOT! My desire is to enjoy my time with my friends. God designed humans to be intimate with. Intimacy is not sex, it is to know people inside and out. He wanted that relationship with us as humans. Doesn't mean just complaining to him, or telling him what your freaked out about. It is about sharing the good, the bad, the ugly and even the most amazing high points in our life. How he showed us his love is by giving his child. How many of us can honestly say, "Oh! Here take my kid" (NO not the goat an actual child) Well God did, just for a relationship with us.

That is love, doing everything in your power to secure a relationship with anybody, in a deep non - sexually intimate way.

Truth Hurts:
This saying was said to me as a 6th grader when I was told that no one like me any more. I wore my heart on my sleeve then and I think I started tearing up. Some one came up to me and said, "some one told you the truth, hu?"
As a child I was like what why would truth hurt me? Well, constructive criticism is truth, and it hurts a good portion of the time, but the reason why it exists is so that we can learn to be a better person. (No the dialog above wasn't constructive.) I have the ability to provide criticism in a way that could be construed as hurtful and abrasive, and believe me I've gotten better since jr high/High School.

I have no problem in keeping people accountable if they ask, but if they ask they better be prepared for truth that comes out of my mouth. They need to understand that it is business what they say and I'll be with them every step of the way.

They ask advice I give it after thinking about it, or I wait to respond when I can so I can clearly think of something that could be useful from my heart.

There is a difference from asking advice and wanting sympathy. There is only so much of repetition that can be heard of before it gets to the point where I'm like I cant help you if you cannot do things, but you will have to figure out how to do this on your own. I am not a licensed counselor...

There is a reason why I stepped down from psychology and treatment facilities. It's too broken for a person with a sensitive soul. It kills them. It kills them emotionally, physically and mentally. This is where I was one-two years ago. This is why I am not a counselor, so I do not have to hear continuous, repeated scenarios that when asked advice and given are dismissed, so that the same mayhem continues.

If people don't take advice because it bothers them, or they wanted sympathy instead, it would be helpful for them to clearly state what they need at the time. There comes a time though that I will stop letting a dog lick its wound and actually help it heal. (if I was talking about a dog I would, but humans you cant force to do anything) Another words, if a person is causing themselves pain situationally, emotionally, physically, or what other way they can it needs to stop.

This truth hurts so much sometimes that people ignore it or even say please pitty me. 

Untreated Depression Gets Worse! Examples: you are looking for attention, and you don't get enough of it, or you want love, or have loneliness, or you have destructive thoughts, there's hope! People have degrees to help with your self esteem, loneliness, heartbrokenness, emptiness and ultimately depression and the worry that comes along with all of these. I honestly wish my personality was one to have what it takes to be a counselor, but it doesn't.

My personality is of mentorship. I will lead and guide preferably one on one. My relationship will not be abused, emotionally, physically, mentally or spiritually. If you need truth I'll say it if you need guidance I'll pray for it to be given to you and I.  My friends do not own my spirit, God does, by goodness, and HE is greater than any living soul in existence. I am his! Not Yours! You will not treat me like a relationship to abuse and manipulate, because I care!

Year recognitions: pt 1

I don't write on here much because I tend to voice my opinion out loud, and quite frequently.

As of lately I've been labeled, as a perfectionist, as an abrasive woman, and as a person who is walking their own path. For the most part this is true.

I believe God is the only perfect being. He gave his son to die for us, we just celebrated his birth. By no means will I ever be on this earth perfect. I can strive to do my best in all things, but only God can save me. Understanding that my ability to fulfil the desire to be successful and to be "like Christ" could become twisted and turn into my desire to control; my future, my friends, the things or desires I put my hope to, and even whatever path God has me walking down. There are reasons why I am a driven individual. I partially believe God has given me the ability to have vision for great dreams and to inspire others to achieve theirs, or even spark their interest into being who God wants them to be.

Instead of getting caught up in how am I going to get to these things I've figured God will show me when he's ready. He will, if not already, give me a partner in my life who will walk through these things with me. Right now I have a really great friends who see me struggle for what is right, noble and true. I don't know if what I do is right, but I'm figuring it out.

The majority of my life I've had anxiety and it has never been controlled. Part of that is because I feel like I am unable to write my story. Many of you have a saying "let go and let God". That only works well if you know what that means. I've tried it, but how many of us really let go? So many times I hear Christians say the "obvious" but they even bring up past circumstances that haunt them. Then they dwell on this and attempt to figure out how to get the best revenge.

I'm not here gain revenge, or to do something out of spite or evil intent. Sometimes I admit I think about such things, but everyone does. Sometimes I do things based on my caring personality, sometimes it is construed as overbearing and manipulative. I guess I've learned from the best.

There are times when attempting to love another person or doing something sweet oversteps their boundaries creating stale air. I know people are known to do this to me, instead of seeking out revenge, I need to learn to forgive and instead of requiring an apology with the other person, forcefully or any other way, know that God is the only one who can work in their hearts. Sometimes all you can say is what you said hurt me. Say then God it's up to you.

I cover up my insecurities by being abrasive, knowing what I want and coming out forthright in acknowledgement. Sometimes I attempt to change peoples opinions of things, so they see my side. It doesn't always work like this. Many times you'll share your opinion and the person is allowed to have theirs. Part of the abrasive personality is to appear controlling.

If I cannot control one thing (room, my time, crafts, who knows what about a circumstance) I have anxiety. I am in constant battle with myself if people assume or believe something about me that is or isn't true. For some reason I have to figure out what instance gave them that specific impression of me. Sometimes that impression is true, and I have to learn to accept it for what it is.

I don't like that it changes their beliefs about who I am, or about the path I am walking down.

I've been having dreams about people needing me and then all of a sudden not needing me. Usually in those dreams I have normalcy and then it turns to chaos or vice versa. I've had obstacle courses and it seems chaotic because a storm came, then I have to crawl through mud to find the treasure beneath or that was left. A creepy cave calls to me and I have to fight between seeking out what's in the cage or getting people to safety.

I have a desire to save people from the terrors they are facing. Sometimes.... well I am not the one saving. I have to realize I cannot save anyone from anything. Only God can. That when I need to forgive a person that hasn't realized it, to say God I need help comfort me.

I am not a perfect being, though I try. I am abrasive and I hope to understand when people need me to back off, or love them more, with tact and love. Sometimes I am stubborn and need to figure out things for myself. I know God loves me and he will help me understand my path...

He is in control and I want him to be, this new years I want him.