Confidence And Strength Are Not My Own

People say that I have strength in me that they wish they had. I can see what they mean, I carry myself like I know where I am supposed to be and what I am supposed to do. However, I do not believe that my expression is an adequate description of who I am.

Overall I am just one terrified creature that does the best that she can in life. I am unsure of where my future goes and not completely sure of whom I am yet. I’m sure 80yr olds feel similar sometimes. Here is the thing though, I tend to be confident in the moment. If some one gives me a reason to doubt who I am, I’d examine it, see if it is an adequate description, and move on however it seems fit.

Most of the time I tend to see it as an opportunity for growth. This has changed over the years. First I’d think, “Oh, they don’t like me!” and go pout about it. Then I looked at it as,  “Why do they like me?” and be really sad for the next day and cry.  Then it turned into anger in which it turned into, “Well if I cant find anything wrong with what I did, which I’ve tried hard to find, they can go dance in their own personal space, I’ll do my own thing”. This is a nicer way to say I stuck my finger in the air and walked away.

People are not always worth your time and many of them break you down instead of building you up. Yes, there are times when the break down of ones character is necessary, but sometimes assessing the situation first will help to know which is better.

I get into a funk every once in a while, sometimes those funks are stupid and pathetic. Like I was buying shoes and I just kind of walked off in an irritated manner. Yes I thought that I’d be out in like a few seconds. Yes, I did have expectations of the other person. Did I discuss those with them? No, so why should I hold that individual accountable for how I felt, I shouldn’t. Sometimes I just need a person to say, “Christine, you need to snap out of it, because you’re treating people like shit.” which is totally true. This is the case of breaking down my character, because I might be portraying an aspect of frustration of mine in a completely inappropriate way. This needs to happen.

What about the aspect of bullying? We are our own worst critics- this is the most honest true statement ever. I am my worst enemy. I battle within myself attempting to fight my alter ego, ego, or me, many times I win, the I is the most correct choice at the time. Sometimes Jackie wins (the alter ego that tries to destroy those who love me the most) which may or may not be needed at the time.

Here is the thing though, people confuse themselves. Are you going to be a light to them to discover who they are, or are you going to be the one who breaks down the good character found in them destroying their future. Build peoples confidence. We already have enough doubt in the world. Find something to believe in and go with it, figure it out so you know what you suck at, what you’re good at, those people who build you up, keep them. Keep the wise counsel that creates a deeper sense of character, who can say “Hey you’re acting like an Ass right now, stubborn and you need to re-evaluate where your life is going”. These people are just as important as the encouragers, who build you up.

They both build on each other. Wise council balances the ego and the pride to be lowered when it gets too high. Encouragers build it up. It’s all about balance.

When I went to Multnomah, I needed council and my life seemed to be distressing and distant, I appreciate, the leaders that took the time to guide me through that aspect of my life, and my friends to say, “It will work out, we serve a faithful God who will guide you through this.”  With out both of them I would not have made it to the supposedly confident person I am today.

At Multnomah I learned to cut out people who dragged me down and said that I wasn’t worth their time, remove myself from devious situations, and say I got this, my bad attitude of F*@# OFF or otherwise known as just being a complete witch, well has gotten me out of my mess. Encouragers, we still need you, wise council don’t ever leave us, because we cannot guide ourselves.

You are all the reason why I am, who I am today. Those who judge us and put us down, through manipulation, abuse, anger, yelling, You will not take our power, I will never give up, and those who are trapped in it I implore you to seek refuge and help, from your mind, the attacker, the abuser, manipulator, and your doubt. Doing nothing won’t allow you to succeed; it will trap you, consume you, and not allow you to escape. Find wise council, and true supportive friends, find out who you are, and let yourself shine, then, and only then will you succeed.

1 Cor 4:3-4
³ I care very little if I am judged by you or by any human court; indeed, I do not even judge myself. ⁴ My conscience is clear, but that does not make me innocent. It is the Lord who judges me.

 

My strength, is not my own. I am not confident in myself, but rather what I believe in.