The understandings that we should choose a certain path or that we are on some destiny might be falsely accused by the misrepresentation of humanity. Who knew the mysteries of this earth would be so bountifully misguided or hopefully continued on the hectic path that we call life.
No mysteries ever could relate to the perceptions that we wear through our life. Yes we all have priorities, and taught differently about each thing. Who knew that one path could bring two outcomes. My life's goal should only be to serve our maker. But how is my goal reflected in life?
I have the greatest desire to serve others in broken communities, and to encourage their life long goal of being successful. Those successful, I have little desire to work with or interact with, though I may partner and hope to share success with them.
The rest, too proud to even continue understanding others. Those are the ones I have difficulty with, and yes, I too fit in this bracket. Here are my priorities. What I should have...
God: I should spend time pursuing his word understanding what it means and giving up selfish desires to hope for something not in his will for me, but in his. Mind you I have choices here too, and God warns me when I am misguided. But he is my first priority, or at least he should be.
I know many Christians who have let him be second, third, fourth, fifth, or whatever, who have gone down a more destructive pattern, and maybe I am there too. Who knows. I know not every aspect of my life matches up, but I have a hope and desire to serve God by doing the best I can, which always is less than what he deserves.
My life is not perfect, nor do I expect it to be, we live in a fallen world with sin, destructive patterns and unfortunately humanity, which is falling apart at the seams where God built it. Why did he make us, why did he keep us I will never know, but this is or should be my top priority.
Family: This counts for almost any one who can build me up support me and be my foundation when failing thoughts and miseries surround my daily life. They are my rock, they keep me supported, and I do not always do a well enough job to help them. I might be God's servant, but I am a piece that keeps my family together. I wont sacrifice that for anyone but God, especially if I do not feel right about the situation.
Whats difficult right now is I'm not sure about a situation, of which I actually am curious about. I feel so inspired and so abandoned at the same time. I'm not sure who I'll be or what I'll say when things turn and seasons change. But what I will know and understand is that these happen for a reason, and God will be there as a support. I do not believe he has given up yet.
My family does well in supporting the decisions I make in my life. They may not know every aspect of my life. Some things are better left unspoken and just between you, the other person and God. People don't need to know everything in life, they'd go crazy. Actually try and imagine everything you've ever done and see if you'd want that to be shared. Embarrassing... Right? Though if asked I try to be as honest and open as I can. I believe the majority of my family would agree and support this idea.
Work: This I feel like should also be my second priority, it actually fights family for second place. This is everything that holds my world up. Unfortunately our world is built on a foundation of self worth and finances. What sucks is that we have bills to take up our finances we receive. Paul didn't have this problem, because he was really powerful and then when he converted he didn't have anything and trusted God. Sometimes that's what we need to do, give up our own selfish desires and wander out into the wilderness to find God. Giving up everything might be a good start, just to find him. That is how the disciples did it. That change was their personal mid-life crisis that changed their lives forever.
Volunteer: This is for any section that comes from giving your time and effort in what you believe in. God asks us to Give our time our energy and sometimes money. This would all be considered tithes and offerings that we contribute to his plan. Why would we volunteer if it didn't have anything to go on as far as materials or biblical foundations? We wouldn't.
See here is the thing, the mysterious lies that we all think are OK, aren't. They do not do any favor toward any one. When they are finally thought about believed we turn it into a huge maze that cannot be won. Sometimes we have to be on our own in order to find all the checkpoints in the maze. In which the turmoil sets in because we are alone, in our flesh, living in an unjust world with a just maker unsure of where to go next.
Saturday, July 26, 2014
Monday, July 21, 2014
Tides and Convictions
I’m lost in convictions in the subtle lies, no longer
desiring to be by your side. I’m not sure how I feel about this moment in time,
but I know things will change throughout the tides. The secret compiles of the mischievous
crimes, against the one who saved our lives, can no longer keep us together,
and therefore we will be part forever. The bars which I stand behind, I no
longer hide, I face the facts that I want you by my side. Which one? I’m not
sure. I wish both, but both would be absurd.
The subtle convictions
in my mind have been consuming thoughts from our ties. Who knew it would come
to this? Certainly not I. If I could choose anything in the world, I could not.
For now I just exist with out the rot. But yet the corpse is rotting, not able
to get up. And here I stand waiting, unable
to breath, untouched.
Where to go from here I am unsure, lost and confused like a
bur unknown of its place.
Where would I go? Who can I see? Who can lift up this
mystery? I wish I felt his arms around me, to know his love will forever be, not
be seen for who he is and what he could be, for he is my maker and my keeper.
And still I cannot breath.
I can cry over the things this world can offer, but then I
realize I shouldn’t bother. This world will fade away, and no longer remain the
same. My ideas of the change will morph on a greater day. As for now I await
the tide to open the gates, so I can see the way, no longer believing just in
one fate.
You’re still a dear loved one I desire, forever longing to
be near. But years that stirred the fire, no longer can be here. What passions
were involved, can no longer be, what will be resolved, is something that’s of
need. Though you’re still a love I’d always keep, our relationship will be up
beat, if we can find a way to keep, ourselves on our knees right by the saviors
feet.
It can never be a goodbye; too many things will crumble and
cry. I wish there was an easier way, one with out conflictions, convictions or
tides. But these are the things that must pass us by.
I’ve fallen into the traps that were set, by humans and
beings with lots of fret. Now there might be regret, though what we had was and
is still real, we understand a deeper feel: One of loss sorrow, unsure of tomorrow,
freaked out of what the future will swallow, from our lives that we cling to.
Hope is for you and me, no more lonely inquires, but
satisfaction rings with beauty from kings.
Please protect our spiritual lives, to be directed to
brighter tides: Calmer and steady, Unwavering and ready, to follow you.
My dear one I love you, now and forever. I am excited to see
you blossom in your endeavors.
Love,
Well You Know Who….
Tuesday, July 15, 2014
What's Love Anyway?
There is a blissful understanding that nothing will ever be the same as that moment we are in. We change, we hope, we desire, and those things that drive us to do so don't always get to know how beautiful they are or could be. We just turn our selves inward and don't acknowledge those people who showed so much love and understanding for our lives.
Your captivation upon our hearts and live will drive us to accomplish greater things. One thing I wont say is thank you, because I'll host bitterness with in my heart toward the lack of change I see in you.
Maybe this is the exact reason marriage is so stinking hard, because no matter how hard we try to keep love strong, we realize we are changing, ever so slightly and that change, not only we need to get accustomed to but the other one person in our lives also needs to adjust, maybe it is the drive toward becoming something greater that we forget of the presence of another person. Maybe that is why we leave morph and extinguish the love that once existed... Just like our relationship with God.
He is one I'd like a clearer understanding of, yeah read our bible, but in honesty I just want to sit down and have a face to face conversation with him about life, what his struggles were and how those struggles apply to todays culture, and if certain things are ok and if they aren't.
I've seen the legalistic viewpoints on basic topics like, alcohol, playing card, apparel, hair, and jewelry. I see how some might have mistaken some things to be stricter than what historical biblical foundations were. (Example: woman should be silent). Look into the context, historically woman had no knowledge of what was spoken in the church, and now because of woman having the ability to talk and go to school, having a say and being able to read, we can now speak up. Before men only had the ability to read and interpret the bible. So, women speak up and lead, which happened a few times in the actual biblical text.
Some text I wont ever understand, but here is the thing, if we are devote lovers of Christ and we show his love to others while attempting to understand things said biblically maybe he'll make it known. The only reason we understand the text is because he makes it known. Somethings I know I am not sure about, but if he wants us to know its wrong boy he'll give us warnings, and he'll be able to help us recognize truth in what we read. As long as we are faithful to him.
I love people who are different from me, what's interesting is I find a harder time loving people who are exactly like me, because I find more fault in me than anyone else, which is why bitterness can creep in.
I love a person, I love many, and what is interesting is no matter how angry, how distraught and how terrified I am God gives me strength, because he is the ultimate "love machine". We should be able to withstand the destructive terrors of others because we know we are carrying God's love.
Be who you are, attempt to understand the bible, and pray that he makes it known to you if you doubt aspects of it or are unsure of anything, he can help you understand. But God have mercy on those who think they can judge others with out themselves being judged by God.
And if you take anything away from this,
People are beautiful, lets love them for who they are, or who they could be not what they are doing or how we think they should act, but for them.
God has the ability to make known to them what they are missing, we as christians can guide with truth, but when truth is contorted and not really expressed the mischievous one has room for doing all sorts of things to screw people over.
Your captivation upon our hearts and live will drive us to accomplish greater things. One thing I wont say is thank you, because I'll host bitterness with in my heart toward the lack of change I see in you.
Maybe this is the exact reason marriage is so stinking hard, because no matter how hard we try to keep love strong, we realize we are changing, ever so slightly and that change, not only we need to get accustomed to but the other one person in our lives also needs to adjust, maybe it is the drive toward becoming something greater that we forget of the presence of another person. Maybe that is why we leave morph and extinguish the love that once existed... Just like our relationship with God.
He is one I'd like a clearer understanding of, yeah read our bible, but in honesty I just want to sit down and have a face to face conversation with him about life, what his struggles were and how those struggles apply to todays culture, and if certain things are ok and if they aren't.
I've seen the legalistic viewpoints on basic topics like, alcohol, playing card, apparel, hair, and jewelry. I see how some might have mistaken some things to be stricter than what historical biblical foundations were. (Example: woman should be silent). Look into the context, historically woman had no knowledge of what was spoken in the church, and now because of woman having the ability to talk and go to school, having a say and being able to read, we can now speak up. Before men only had the ability to read and interpret the bible. So, women speak up and lead, which happened a few times in the actual biblical text.
Some text I wont ever understand, but here is the thing, if we are devote lovers of Christ and we show his love to others while attempting to understand things said biblically maybe he'll make it known. The only reason we understand the text is because he makes it known. Somethings I know I am not sure about, but if he wants us to know its wrong boy he'll give us warnings, and he'll be able to help us recognize truth in what we read. As long as we are faithful to him.
I love people who are different from me, what's interesting is I find a harder time loving people who are exactly like me, because I find more fault in me than anyone else, which is why bitterness can creep in.
I love a person, I love many, and what is interesting is no matter how angry, how distraught and how terrified I am God gives me strength, because he is the ultimate "love machine". We should be able to withstand the destructive terrors of others because we know we are carrying God's love.
Be who you are, attempt to understand the bible, and pray that he makes it known to you if you doubt aspects of it or are unsure of anything, he can help you understand. But God have mercy on those who think they can judge others with out themselves being judged by God.
And if you take anything away from this,
People are beautiful, lets love them for who they are, or who they could be not what they are doing or how we think they should act, but for them.
God has the ability to make known to them what they are missing, we as christians can guide with truth, but when truth is contorted and not really expressed the mischievous one has room for doing all sorts of things to screw people over.
Sunday, June 29, 2014
Adult Choices
Well, life is definitely more complicated than it ever was when I was a kid. There are more expectations, which we all crave to hide in our rooms shut and lock the world out. Unfortunately, being an adult means to face it. To gauge the interactions, distance, and boundaries that we need to have with individuals that roam our daily life. Not just individuals but chores of every day life: accounting, time management, relationships, Fun things to do.
Some times I wish I could take back somethings in my life give me a little more freedom than I have. I hate asking for money, and I hate lying about things. Not lying per-say but more like sneaking around the fact that I have no money and just getting by. There are two things in this world that I would love to do. Repay the people whom I've borrowed from, and learn.
If I stop learning I stop growing, experiencing other ideas, about who I am who I want to be. My experiences give me guidance to be who I want to be, ever so slightly changing my desires and passion to what I pray is God's will for my life. That is what I hope.
What I've noticed, isn't the opposite, it's just not the trail I thought I'd be on. Maybe I just need more patience. But Im getting tired of waiting for the day things will just be alright, that I will possibly have enough to share with others, that I can give things to others in need. That I wont be the one in need any more... This is what I had hoped. Budgeting is not my forte for money, not really is it for time either...
Since my injury my time has been consumed of physical therapy, orthopedic surgeons, and other wondrous doctors. They are all very nice, but when Im done with work I go hang out with these people, who are rather awesome, and tiresome. at about 6:30 I am done, but I don't want to go home - traffic and other disasters await on the road- so I go to friends homes and visit them. This way I can hang out with my friends still having other motivations to just drive up there randomly. Mind you, I do this too. I love my friends, not only here but in the other states.
Our relationships have been built on hardships, understandings, misunderstandings, lazy attitudes, encouragement, above all LOVE. This is the biggest most important thing in my friendships, and no not all mushy gushy, cuddles and kisses, but the love that you would do anything for that persons safety. To preserve their truth and identity, to not represent them when interacting with other, to defend them, at least their character, when they might be wrong about something.
I think though this love has a tight line that could be crossed over to a romantic love. I believe that I have breeched or at least came really close to crossing the line. I don't ever want to hurt this friend or any for that matter. They mean so much to me. I'd protect them in every circumstances, no matter what they were.
I'm in love with this person, I don't expect people to understand yet, I mean we've hung out but I cannot stop thinking about them 24/7 and if anything ever happened to them I'd be distraught. I know I mess up sometimes, and that I am a terrible person for watching certain movies or listening to certain music, or claiming things that might not be mine to claim. But if I truly loved this person like I think I do.. If they asked I'd do my best to stop.
But I don't even know if it is right... All I know is love is a tricky twisted thing that plays with the strings of the heart and sometimes I'd rather deal with the physical pain of an injury than the pain of a metaphorical heart ripping apart. It may take 12 months to heal from a torn ACL, but it takes a life time to heal from a heart ache. Even when the pain ceases the memory goes on. Fun things aren't as fun, and the ground gets cold and dead, and finally when you're past all that the only thing to live for is what you cant see or touch, but you can feel every day, by the blessings he brings, which might not be so bad, if we weren't consumed with our thoughtless active desires.
I love you, my special person and I wish the complexities in the world wouldn't ruin what we could have, or even what we do. Hopefully it will be safer for us again...
<3 Christine
PS Maybe being an adult is doing things we don't want to do but have to do.
Some times I wish I could take back somethings in my life give me a little more freedom than I have. I hate asking for money, and I hate lying about things. Not lying per-say but more like sneaking around the fact that I have no money and just getting by. There are two things in this world that I would love to do. Repay the people whom I've borrowed from, and learn.
If I stop learning I stop growing, experiencing other ideas, about who I am who I want to be. My experiences give me guidance to be who I want to be, ever so slightly changing my desires and passion to what I pray is God's will for my life. That is what I hope.
What I've noticed, isn't the opposite, it's just not the trail I thought I'd be on. Maybe I just need more patience. But Im getting tired of waiting for the day things will just be alright, that I will possibly have enough to share with others, that I can give things to others in need. That I wont be the one in need any more... This is what I had hoped. Budgeting is not my forte for money, not really is it for time either...
Since my injury my time has been consumed of physical therapy, orthopedic surgeons, and other wondrous doctors. They are all very nice, but when Im done with work I go hang out with these people, who are rather awesome, and tiresome. at about 6:30 I am done, but I don't want to go home - traffic and other disasters await on the road- so I go to friends homes and visit them. This way I can hang out with my friends still having other motivations to just drive up there randomly. Mind you, I do this too. I love my friends, not only here but in the other states.
Our relationships have been built on hardships, understandings, misunderstandings, lazy attitudes, encouragement, above all LOVE. This is the biggest most important thing in my friendships, and no not all mushy gushy, cuddles and kisses, but the love that you would do anything for that persons safety. To preserve their truth and identity, to not represent them when interacting with other, to defend them, at least their character, when they might be wrong about something.
I think though this love has a tight line that could be crossed over to a romantic love. I believe that I have breeched or at least came really close to crossing the line. I don't ever want to hurt this friend or any for that matter. They mean so much to me. I'd protect them in every circumstances, no matter what they were.
I'm in love with this person, I don't expect people to understand yet, I mean we've hung out but I cannot stop thinking about them 24/7 and if anything ever happened to them I'd be distraught. I know I mess up sometimes, and that I am a terrible person for watching certain movies or listening to certain music, or claiming things that might not be mine to claim. But if I truly loved this person like I think I do.. If they asked I'd do my best to stop.
But I don't even know if it is right... All I know is love is a tricky twisted thing that plays with the strings of the heart and sometimes I'd rather deal with the physical pain of an injury than the pain of a metaphorical heart ripping apart. It may take 12 months to heal from a torn ACL, but it takes a life time to heal from a heart ache. Even when the pain ceases the memory goes on. Fun things aren't as fun, and the ground gets cold and dead, and finally when you're past all that the only thing to live for is what you cant see or touch, but you can feel every day, by the blessings he brings, which might not be so bad, if we weren't consumed with our thoughtless active desires.
I love you, my special person and I wish the complexities in the world wouldn't ruin what we could have, or even what we do. Hopefully it will be safer for us again...
<3 Christine
PS Maybe being an adult is doing things we don't want to do but have to do.
Sunday, March 30, 2014
Cracking World
Who is this person who shows many faces; the one behind the
curtain? Who is it I am supposed to see, view, hear, control, lie to, hope in,
and trust? What’s next in a book of lies?
“I am what you see. I am not sure
who I want to be or what to do. All I know is the passions that direct me. My
faces are my own and you may have just as many or more. You’re supposed to see me, but you’ll never know the struggle
on my insides, no one sees that deep.
You are only able to control
yourself, God gives you this strength. I am uncertain of the other things, but
you are strong, you’ll find a way, if you ignore the lies and grip to the
truth. “
Do you grip the truth?
We all have doubts, even you. The
point is that we will continue to grow and mature to figure out those things we
deny and hate about ourselves. Come on you have things too not just me.
I’ll figure it out sure, but I don’t know what to do. I can
wear faces just like you; I can pretend it will all be OK. But I won’t know
what to do… how to act… What if I turn out to be a hermit and crawl in a hole
in this abyss?
I know this will be better. This is barren land filled with
heartache for some. That might be what it becomes for me; instead of fighting
it, I might start fleeing it. What am I supposed to do? Do you really trust me
to do what is necessary? What even are
they?
Something that makes you happy, do that. I’ve been doing
that recently and it’s helped a lot. You will make it, you’re strong.
My world is cracking and I am unclear on what to do. I don’t know what I need to do? What could I
continue in? I am so afraid of the answer, and who to talk to, what to say or
how to act. Guide me in my mistakes, leads, and deeds which are good.
I am not a failure and don’t plan to start now, ugh I just
want direction from you and the multiple things that I’ve experienced these
past two months make me question everything that aimed to my goal. I want so
badly to do something important. What prize should I focus on?
Trust me. Let me in… to all of your darkest corners… We’ll
clean out the cobwebs, kill the spiders. I want to shine the flashlight to
clear the darkest moment in your life. Will you let me?
Maybe…
I think I am worse than you; I don’t want to look at the
Bible because it will prove some of my thinking wrong. My perception of the
world will be shattered, which is not something I can do on my own. It requires
something keeping the self together, not your own strength, and I don’t think I
can do it on my own; I’m just not strong enough. You were my strength and I’m
draining it from you. I’m not allowed say this, but I love you.
We say co-dependent relationships are unhealthy, but what
about with God?
Saturday, December 21, 2013
Insignificance
Who said that we were important? What makes it so that we become so prideful in things that we do? Why should we be prideful in the things of which are wrong?
Manipulation: Could this ever be a good thing?
I've manipulated hearts and changed what they thought of themselves... Gave them pride in things they couldn't control. I took pride in that. Manipulation of peoples minds... Hitler/Stalin... Would I be compared that greatly to a person, who dictated how people were run, gunned down and injured just because the man felt insignificant enough to want power in return? Do I have a Dictator inside of me? YES. We all want control of our lives relationships... and the easiest way to accomplish that goal, if you are me would be MANIPULATION, which I've had pride in.
Independence: What is too much?
A parent of mine wished that I would have less independence. I never knew I had too much. I don't like help from other people. I don't like being dependent on others to give me financial stability. Pride... Yes, being told sometimes that I would be unworthy made me a fighter. The fact that I accomplished what I had set out to do and did not give any credit to the one who let me... That is my pride. I think its all me. Never any one else.
I was doing the dishes the other night... Three people asked me if I needed help. I just had surgery, but I can do things on my own. In my head, I wanted help, what was out spoken was "I got this, I'm really OK." This is the forever lie I always feed my self. Sometimes I cannot continue all alone, but I wont say it -because I am a fighter-only to pretend I am as strong as I want people to believe: that I can do it on my own. Too much independence - PRIDE.
Relationships: I don't understand them OR why people have the desire to set others up.
I want control of this area. Every time it is mine to control I know it doesn't work right or that I change it into a mind game. Whenever a relationship idea created visions in my head and some one initiated the formality of it (normally not me) God would always whisper in my head, "Christine, what are you doing?"
MY RESPONSE: "Ya know what, You're not doing a fantastic job of leading me through my life obviously, and they seem nice. Why not?" When it was good, its amazing or so it seems, but when its bad manipulations ensue, freak outs from both parties, and it rains destruction. The whispers are still in the back of my head. (Example of James 1:15) Control? It doesn't exist, yet so often we try and grasp the reigns and steer our lives one way or the next with out trust in the one thing that will get us to our passions. (Psalms 37:4) When I try to control it is because of my pride.
God has the last one planned in his time and way. The middle one controlled. The first one changing as I recognized the harm its been creating others.
My pride is causing a lack of humility and intimacy with God. Of course in order to fear God we need to be insignificant, so he can show us how he wants us to be significant. Control is the desire ensued by fear. Our only task is to fear God, which I don't know quite what that means yet, but as I am realizing how small I am and am seeing that he is so much bigger than all of the petty fears I find in myself.
TRUST THROUGH MY INSIGNIFICANCE
Taking away my pride is a change in my thought process, its learning how to be humble, how to trust him, and learning to keep open communication; so I am able to hear what his desires are for me to put them as my own. Becoming one with something is intimacy.
Manipulations: God has brought up things I took pride in, which I've not thought about in years, and said, "I want you to change your look on this". This takes trust understanding and humility. The couple things I am working on so there may be more intimacy in my relationship with him.
Independence: God said to me to be honest with others in what you feel, the most important help you can get is being vulnerable in who you really are. Not hiding the things that need to be seen. Allow yourself to let others feed into you. This was noticed through surgery, God broke me and is putting me back together stronger than what I was. Breaking me is sometimes the only way to say, "Christine you cannot do this on your own, realize your friends gifts, show them what they are, allow them to pour into you, because you know and can pour into them because you feel deeply for them."
Relationships: I could brag about these, but there is nothing there. I understood what defiance meant and didn't care. I became reckless in who I was didn't care. Apathy is the opposite of Love, at least in my knowledge. In this area I had an apathy for Christ in this part of my story, which appears to be the most stressful.
He kept saying "RELEASE THE CONTROL!" (Proverbs 16:9, 19:21, Jeremiah 10:23)
I never want to relinquish control to one whom I don't fully understand, but that is where trust comes in. This is the reason why I am unable to move on from past things. Though I know he is the one person who can block my insane stubbornness with unconditional love. Therefore, I've found my true love and passion, him who gives me peace. Philippians 4:7 And the peace of God which surpasses all understanding will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. I give it to you, not just once.
The chaos of these emotions are like waves in the sea, but when he's my ground, I find freedom. A song has been stuck in my head frequently- OCEANS- I am Peter apparently. When I call your name, I'll keep my eyes above the waves, because when the ocean will rise, I will rest in your embrace. I am yours and you are mine. Its beautiful.
Pride needs to be humbled. Control needs to be relinquished for trust. The trust that he loves. (Proverbs 16)
If that is too long it can be summed up to these:
Prov. 16: 18-19 Pride goes before destruction, and a haughty spirit before a fall. It is better to be of lowly spirit with the poor than to divide the spoil with the proud. Whoever gives thought to the word will discover good, and blessed is he who trusts him.
Continue to make me have insignificance so I will understand the love you provide in such a way I wish to desire nothing less.
Thank you.
Manipulation: Could this ever be a good thing?
I've manipulated hearts and changed what they thought of themselves... Gave them pride in things they couldn't control. I took pride in that. Manipulation of peoples minds... Hitler/Stalin... Would I be compared that greatly to a person, who dictated how people were run, gunned down and injured just because the man felt insignificant enough to want power in return? Do I have a Dictator inside of me? YES. We all want control of our lives relationships... and the easiest way to accomplish that goal, if you are me would be MANIPULATION, which I've had pride in.
Independence: What is too much?
A parent of mine wished that I would have less independence. I never knew I had too much. I don't like help from other people. I don't like being dependent on others to give me financial stability. Pride... Yes, being told sometimes that I would be unworthy made me a fighter. The fact that I accomplished what I had set out to do and did not give any credit to the one who let me... That is my pride. I think its all me. Never any one else.
I was doing the dishes the other night... Three people asked me if I needed help. I just had surgery, but I can do things on my own. In my head, I wanted help, what was out spoken was "I got this, I'm really OK." This is the forever lie I always feed my self. Sometimes I cannot continue all alone, but I wont say it -because I am a fighter-only to pretend I am as strong as I want people to believe: that I can do it on my own. Too much independence - PRIDE.
Relationships: I don't understand them OR why people have the desire to set others up.
I want control of this area. Every time it is mine to control I know it doesn't work right or that I change it into a mind game. Whenever a relationship idea created visions in my head and some one initiated the formality of it (normally not me) God would always whisper in my head, "Christine, what are you doing?"
MY RESPONSE: "Ya know what, You're not doing a fantastic job of leading me through my life obviously, and they seem nice. Why not?" When it was good, its amazing or so it seems, but when its bad manipulations ensue, freak outs from both parties, and it rains destruction. The whispers are still in the back of my head. (Example of James 1:15) Control? It doesn't exist, yet so often we try and grasp the reigns and steer our lives one way or the next with out trust in the one thing that will get us to our passions. (Psalms 37:4) When I try to control it is because of my pride.
God has the last one planned in his time and way. The middle one controlled. The first one changing as I recognized the harm its been creating others.
My pride is causing a lack of humility and intimacy with God. Of course in order to fear God we need to be insignificant, so he can show us how he wants us to be significant. Control is the desire ensued by fear. Our only task is to fear God, which I don't know quite what that means yet, but as I am realizing how small I am and am seeing that he is so much bigger than all of the petty fears I find in myself.
TRUST THROUGH MY INSIGNIFICANCE
Taking away my pride is a change in my thought process, its learning how to be humble, how to trust him, and learning to keep open communication; so I am able to hear what his desires are for me to put them as my own. Becoming one with something is intimacy.
Manipulations: God has brought up things I took pride in, which I've not thought about in years, and said, "I want you to change your look on this". This takes trust understanding and humility. The couple things I am working on so there may be more intimacy in my relationship with him.
Independence: God said to me to be honest with others in what you feel, the most important help you can get is being vulnerable in who you really are. Not hiding the things that need to be seen. Allow yourself to let others feed into you. This was noticed through surgery, God broke me and is putting me back together stronger than what I was. Breaking me is sometimes the only way to say, "Christine you cannot do this on your own, realize your friends gifts, show them what they are, allow them to pour into you, because you know and can pour into them because you feel deeply for them."
Relationships: I could brag about these, but there is nothing there. I understood what defiance meant and didn't care. I became reckless in who I was didn't care. Apathy is the opposite of Love, at least in my knowledge. In this area I had an apathy for Christ in this part of my story, which appears to be the most stressful.
He kept saying "RELEASE THE CONTROL!" (Proverbs 16:9, 19:21, Jeremiah 10:23)
I never want to relinquish control to one whom I don't fully understand, but that is where trust comes in. This is the reason why I am unable to move on from past things. Though I know he is the one person who can block my insane stubbornness with unconditional love. Therefore, I've found my true love and passion, him who gives me peace. Philippians 4:7 And the peace of God which surpasses all understanding will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. I give it to you, not just once.
The chaos of these emotions are like waves in the sea, but when he's my ground, I find freedom. A song has been stuck in my head frequently- OCEANS- I am Peter apparently. When I call your name, I'll keep my eyes above the waves, because when the ocean will rise, I will rest in your embrace. I am yours and you are mine. Its beautiful.
Pride needs to be humbled. Control needs to be relinquished for trust. The trust that he loves. (Proverbs 16)
If that is too long it can be summed up to these:
Prov. 16: 18-19 Pride goes before destruction, and a haughty spirit before a fall. It is better to be of lowly spirit with the poor than to divide the spoil with the proud. Whoever gives thought to the word will discover good, and blessed is he who trusts him.
Continue to make me have insignificance so I will understand the love you provide in such a way I wish to desire nothing less.
Thank you.
Friday, December 13, 2013
Mary-go-round pt 2
We are supposed to love our enemies, but what if we are ourown enemy?
In this life we are not supposed to fear.
Not hold dear to the things which are near.
Not to know but one thing we should fear
GOD.
Who say not to keep those things that we fear near?
Who say we cannot do the things we need to be dear?
Im not afraid of the past
Because that’d just be daft
Not to understand the darkest cast
Brought upon the nearest mast
Freedom
Who determines how freedom has been cast?
Who needs others to show their fear from the past?
I want to be bold
Beyond the furthest hold
Not stopping for their fold
But knowing what I’ve told
Strength
Unknown what the future may hold
Unsure about what others have told
I’d like to be able say to the future
Behold it is not my nature
To show you how I nurture
Others who’ve been butchered
The nearer future
Cannot be butchered
Nor can it be nurtured
Dilemma
Who knows what it nurtures among the foulest creatures?
Who controls the billows of the nature beyond the future?
Who determines who’s weaker or stronger?
Who creates the length of grandeur?
There is a secret beauty
That lies beneath our vulnerability
The despise beyond the possibility
Creates the curiosity
Challenge
Who can say what we don’t know creates a possibility torespect Thee?
What if we accepted the beauty in the challenge of our curiosity?
Should we take the time to expose
The lullabies with in our souls
Revealing the vulnerabilities
Among the possibilities
That what is held in the future
Is for us to find the nurture
That our father above told
Our family of old
Or the tales of darkest pasts
Can reveal the freeing masts
That we no longer have to fear
But we can draw near
To the one who can free us, God.
Which we can find the strength to fight for our freedom fromthe challenging dilemmas that we face in the future, that we could not find thestrength in ourselves
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