The double face mask

There is something about it. The S word. No not the swear word. But the one that requires you to go to the hospital... Yeah that one. Surgery.

But before all of that nonsense there are other things that need to be discussed. Seriously, I am normally a reckless person. I expected something like the s word could have no doubt crossed the conversations in the span of my life time. I just didn't expect it to happen then, the prime time of my "young - adulthood". It would've been more expected in my 50s or even 40s. But not when I am 25.

If you've read my blog steadily you may have noted that I graduated in May of 2013, this year and right after finals week I received a call saying I got a job at a particular company that deals with emotionally disturbed youth. I was excited, and it had become my dream to start helping families-before DHS had ripped them apart for understandable reasons. My dream was to work with the level 5's and lower, to teach them skills so they can control anxieties and frustrations and learn to find good supporters that they needed to eventually stand on their own. That was my plan.

Four months into this hope, dream, aspiration of the job I've come to realize that I am not able to perform the duties that I once had, of which I enjoyed so very much. I wasn't being reckless at all; I just merely played a game with the youth I worked with. During this game I did a short stop turn kick and destroyed my ACL (tendon in the knee needed for stabilization... turning, bending, jumping, and running). September 12, 2013 makes me feel like my course has changed even though my aspiration has not. I guess it's another raging river rapid in my life's journey pertaining to my desired life's work.

There is a benefit and a shortcoming to it happening at work. First the benefit, I did not need to pay for practically anything, which I owe every bit of gratitude toward the claim company. My case worker has been kind through my paranoia and has walked with me through much of it even though I’ve only known her for a month. Second the shortcoming, everything takes 20x longer than if it were on my own insurance.

Some people say that I have nothing to complain about, but everyone has their quarrels, so here is my saying. Maybe some of you know what it’s like to have the rug pulled out from under your feet surrounded by a dust storm, not being able to see anything around you. That is how I've felt. It had taken them a month and a half for me to see an orthopedic surgeon. It took another month and a half for them to schedule my surgery. Im still not able to do work or enjoy things that I used to, and I am becoming restless, bored, and frankly done with it all.

After all, what do you do when you are told you cannot work for months and you are almost out of money? Sure they still pay you but at 50-60% of normal, but there are bills: rent, electric, health, car, dental, vision, and renters insurance, electric, credit cards, and the luxury of internet that apparently everyone needs. This means pay checks had a minimal of 50$ for food maybe a little more per month. It meant Adult Life just got Harder and things were put on hold.

I stopped trying to find a home. I couldn't work anymore, couldn't find a desk job, because that would mean I'd lose the financial ability for me to go through with the surgery. I previously lost the ability to control my life, which was God's job any way, though I wished it was mine. I'd like it if he could sometime show me the whole picture instead of just pieces of the puzzle. I don't like putting my life on hold so I can analyze one piece. I'm a busy body, I need to keep moving. If I stop I break down, and its bad.

I used to have anxiety attacks at least two to three times a week at school. Some people said maybe I needed to quit, or that I needed to read the Bible more, or that I just wasn't trusting. These things take time, which unfortunately I have less patience on myself than I do on kids. My anxiety ended when I graduated and went to work. Now that my job is no longer a part of my life for longer than 5 months, it has returned stronger than ever.

There is the fear that paralyzes you with every "worst case scenario" that doctors give you. The fear that is caused by the unknown, creates doubt and sickness in the hopes and dreams that have been created previously. Evidently, these all turn to darkness so the only-thing one feels is the anxiety and the lack of hope that anything will be right again.

Questions I have had in my mind: How is this going to help my future goal? Will my job sack me? Will they wish to move me to another location? Do they like me? Will they trust me for what I have to say? Is my dream valid for what God wants me to do? Will I be able to change it if it is not his desire for me to have this goal? What is his desire for my life? And how can I do my best with what I've been given... esp. when I feel like I've been given nothing? Do I trust you to protect me when I am afraid? How can I when I don’t even remember certain things, or you are not here?

I’m currently on Percocet which apparently changes the mood of who you are. I was finally at peace when I was taking between 8-10 a day. Now, I take 4-8 a day depending on how much pain I feel. I've also noticed it helps calm my nerves. Counterproductive when attempting to safely get off of it. So my desire is to effectively get off of it and not be in a constant state of panic. This is what paralyzes me.

I don't know how to explain it, but I am unable to provide a constant state of peaceful relaxation with the events that have occurred. The fact that I am unsure of where I will be going in a year creates the challenges of the unknown. My friends will be leaving in May and that creates an even greater stressor. So what do I decide to do? Move.

The hope of purchasing a home was fulfilled. I'm currently in the process of closing on a home that is further away from the school and the people that I am used to seeing on a regular basis. The thing I fear with this endeavor is being cut off from people; being alone. I've never liked being on my own, but I've been able to learn how to be independent due to how I've grown up. The part of where I am in my life makes me nervous of what I should become. So this is who I am an overwhelmed unsure person who doesn't know the direction they need to go. Yeah.

Mary-go-round pt 1

This is a part of the stuff, which is unable to be discussed in my brain in a coherent monologue.

You have this control over me

Unsure where to stand unwavering

Knowing my heart to a T

You are there comforting

Never afraid of you

But fear of being with out you

When I am alone I'm falling 

With you here I have no doubt

The fear I feel inside

Creates the dynamic to hide

You are the anchor to me

And you bind my soul to thee

I was fine in this life

Till uprooted through strife

This change in consistency

Has turned into a panic frenzy

No longer aware

Of who I am, what I’ll be

Unsure of where I stand

To whom I run, or what to see

I cannot be me

I cannot be three

There is a middle

In which I’ve not found

No fiddle

That makes a happy sound

I’ve turned gray and ashy

Cold inside

The only way I’m not crappy

Is when you’re by my side

I don’t know what to do

I just find the hope I need in you

Am I too demanding?

Do I need a change of plan?

You’re so amazing.

Afraid to take your hand

Unsure of if it’s right

Unknown about this flight

I want to travel the world with you

Having no fear about where we’d go

Just peace between us two

Unafraid of what we don’t know

I know of this one thing

You are my freedom

In this troubling

If you wish to come with me

To free us from the misery

You may want to consider this one thing

Before you decide,

Deal with the suffering

Of which you wish to hide

Till then we should break our stride

So we can recover our cherished find.

The Three Wars.

My thoughts and desires to be said would be a cancerous disease spreading as wildfire across the fields dry from drought. No one can ever express the passion or love felt between two people, who have the honest integrity of a loving father. This type of sacrificial love comes not from the lustful desires between humans but one thought through planned beauty.

There are no explanations for the actions that I’ve done and no honesty among them. What I feel and desire would not be one of honest integrity or of hopeful plans.  The things I’ve felt and heard would be unwise to mention in such a free setting as this.

I do not know who I am, nor do those around me. I portray myself as one for a blip moment in time and the next day I’d be spouting sonnets of praise to the heavens. No one would ever suspect that what lies underneath could devour a soul, or two.

The gasps from inside unleash only but a few times. What should have been destroyed forever now has the freedom to roam, wildly consuming all beauty among the already laid ashes. The terrifying beast with in craves to devour even the dust of beauty.

And beauty is only to be protected by the frontward portrayal of love. Maybe love has never been the center maybe it does not know its place among the thorns. Or it knows its place and yet protects only the smallest healthiest seed of hope which will never be found by the beast.

The hornet, which antagonizes both, decides to follow suit of its self, ignoring all other ambitious plans targeting the smallest sector of passion creating an onset of wild flowers blooming across the otherwise barren land. No one would have guessed the pop ups of the crazed blooms. Though pretty and misleading as they were, they could never have amounted to the baby seed that was being protected by the true and honest love.

What then is it, is it honesty, purity, hope, desire, passion, lusts, fury, frost bitten hearts that continue our journey of discovery? Or is it the true love that is only revealed by the protector of our beings keeping the greatest blip of purity protected?

This is what my daily life is like, complex thoughts, hopes and dreams of maybe understanding the greater plan of the world. Maybe I understand it, but do not always succeed in it because the hornet or the beast becomes the distraction of my day. Maybe when the protector puts them to death, maybe then will I be able to truly live, fulfilling my duty as an individual with integrity and with excellence.  

Adumbration

I can’t help but find

That in this broken time

I am no longer in a bind

Because I’m a mime

But scrambled up in my mind

Are the consequences of mine

When feelings cannot unwind

My thoughts and emotions

Are creating commotion

When the notions aren’t in motion

Therefore I have an aberration

The path that I’ve have walked

Leads not to what I’ve thought

This is why I’m blocked

And in that I fought

This dreaded adumbration I’ve made up.

I no longer live a life of passion

Only steady in the stagnant waters

I await a course for direction

In which there are no barters

Maybe this avulsion is necessary

Because I make decisions of arbitrary.

Maybe I hastened momentarily

Forgetting my responsibility

He needed to wake me up

Stir me from my slumber

Distract me from my cup

Pour me a new fiber

The fibrous masses around my bones

That removes all the stones

In which I am able to realize I’m home

Maybe the broken tissue inside of me

Is my relationship with the father and me

No longer discussing decisions over tea

But silently hating each other, being bitter indeed

Prolly because he’s bothering me

The hope I had of the future is changing

I don’t know what’s to come

I had a dream that was ragging

I thought it was your wisdom

But it could be my path unwinding

You’re much wiser than I

But I feel distant lacking tie

Beneath the skies

You try and whisper but I just want a flashing sign

Impatient frustrated and exhausted

I’m terrified of what the future might hold

Unwilling to hear of the hope you told

No longer to keep my feet in this mold

I cannot hear but wish to know

Where do I go from here?

So now you know the fear

Of which I tow

To you’re feet

Where I lay them at

…

Now what? Where do I go? Please give me peace in the process.

...

 Written by: Christine Hake

Logistical Lingering of Life

There are discontents in my life. Complications I thought I dealt with, that keep reappearing and stabbing me in the sides. I don't know what the next steps are.

People ask me to complete tasks of which I don't know the steps to. When I find time to locate them I don't have time to finish them. Is this what adult life is, finding tasks and not completing them? Is it when we know how to balance life and friends?

I have a confession/concern. What does it mean if I cheated my way through life, back stabbing all that I knew and befriended? Sure I sit, I listen, I understand, but when it comes down to it do I really care or am I apathetic toward those who put their life on the line for me? Which is a very small amount of people. Is it all an act to me, or do i very much desire their friendship?

People say, "What do you have to complain about?, You have a job, you pay your bills..." the list goes on. But what they don't fully understand is what that means. That means I need to keep track of all the bills, food, utilities, rent, animals (if I ever get one), medical nonsense, oh and like 80 other things. Not to mention the job that I do is not an easy one. It is hard and people trigger you every day and bring up things that you've thought you dealt with, but almost lost your cool because the kid touched you in one specific way.  My job is triggering not only for the kids but for the staff. It doesn't pay well, and I am supposed to run a home with that money, it is not easy.

If you want to attempt to buy a home well that's extra time away from doing FUN things, there is only so much time that can be taken as fun time for trying to buy a home. It would be nice though just to settle for something awful and make it grand later. Then that would go is it a bad investment? Did I loose my money? Can I find a roommate? How am I gonna pay my bills? What if I loose my job? What will my family think?

My family is like, it would be good for you to gain the experience, it would be beneficial if you were to fulfill the needs of your bills and such... But I don't pay water sewer garbage, its a collective sum that is separated when you own a home. Then there are taxes and other such ridicule which you get back in your tax return, which is going to be a heinous task.

So sure, yes I make some sorta something, I pay the things I need too, and am struggling with saving funds like all college people go through, but I want to do something fun to celebrate this year of "freedom" but we will see what happens next May 13th... Who knows the world might end in my mind.

The only person who knows the time and place of the world ending is God. I'm gonna be honest, my life is overwhelming though when the feat is completed I am sure that I will be in a more stable place to handle everything.

Normality with Sugar on Top

Every once in a while there are these days, they are the days that every one hates. The days that are dreaded by all. Well, sometimes they are these days and others are more neutral. Then there are those days that every thing is going perfect and four people end up having incidences.

Some times those days are considered the days that are hated by most. See those days are the days when everything was perfect and unfortunately it ends terribly. Well, that was the outlook of this day.

Rarely am I sent to another area of work; I'm normally with the average 6-10 year old kid. What they don't tell us is... "You are going to deal with the kids that are the most traumatized." ... How are they traumatized?... "Its better if you don't know"... excuse me?... "just go figure it out"...

I got to be honest, I do NOT always know what to expect on my every day. How many kids will blow out, etcetera, all I know is that I am here working, understanding that I am here for the protection of others and the support of the staff. I don't have any idea how well I do or why I do some of the things I do. I just do.

I normally am standing there watching the parameters around a room and the other staff and kids to see how everyone is doing. Im like a reader, of personalities, thoughts, fears, annoyance, anxiety, and whatever other emotion that is normally presented in a physical manner. Kids, well they do not always understand their emotions or why they even have them. The other part of my job is helping them perceive the ideas behind the emotion they present.

Today, was a normal day. Nothing out of the ordinary. I just float around to give what assistance staff need at the time of moment and fly back to where I was. I get to meet more people and interact with more youth than I know what to do with. "normally" that would be fine. But today, its like everything was fine in the mornings and boom. The evenings exploded like it was the fourth of July, but on fire.

I am unclear, however, when I am supposed to intervene or what. Though, I can say what exploded in the evening would also be covered in the later night. See, when kids explode normally they tend to wine or complain, and maybe, just maybe, if it got intense enough they would kick and scream on the floor. (The family that I came from would not have tolerated it. How can I?) Simple, their lives were significantly different than that of normality.
"What is normal? What are cows?"-normality restored....
These kids scale walls for fun. They jump on tables, swear at you, and hate you all with in 10 minutes. What I think amazes me most is that these kids are some of the most brilliant incredible kids that you could ever choose to love.

A kid tonight after an ordeal came up to me and started talking to me about their feelings. I'm not going to share everything, but the individual said they didn't believe in me when they were mad. Then, after everything calmed down, we went to the room got ready for bed and I read. Goosebumps. Yes a bed time treat for any kid that age. Afterwards the individual decided to pinky (Like a pinky promise) saying that they believed in me. They also said they didn't want me to leave, and that they would hold my pinky until the person who was to switch me out came.

The dramatic switch in this kid was beautiful. The individual asked me to draw my hand so that they could hold my pinky until I came back to work on wed. So, I tucked the child in bed said good night, and left with them still holding my pinky. Nights like this make me want to go to work.

Becoming an Adult

Most people say that becoming an adult is more than just an age thing and that it has a lot to do with responsibility. Still many are unclear on what it means to be an adult.
Is it going to work every day?
Is it going to school?
Is it when we get married?
Is it how we dress
Is it the bills?
Is it how we present ourselves to others?

Oxfords Definition:
adult |əˈdəlt; ˈadˌəlt|noun- a person who is fully grown or developed : children should be accompanied by an adult. A fully developed animal. Law a person who has reached the age of majority. adjective- (of a person or animal) fully grown or developed : the adult inhabitants ofthe U.S.     emotionally and mentally mature : an effort to be adult and civilized.    So a person who is fully grown would be age 25. This is when brains and eyes have fully developed. Is this what it means to be fully grown? Or is it a combination. A person who has reached adulthood when they are mature physically, mentally, or emotionally. Ok so when I was 15 years old, 10 years ago, people said I was mature for my age. Did that mean that I understood how to appropriately act among others in a way that appeared to be better than others? I was not as mature as I am now, but now it seems that my maturity has turned into an understanding of a lack of fun, but some Adults have fun, others become destroyed by their continuous business and tiredness. MY definition of an adult, is one who can hold their own and understand what their boundaries are in being independent versus in community. I feel like an adult, I did at the beginning of this year and even more so finishing up the school year. In June I will be moving from my home, starting a career, coming home from Costa Rica, and who knows what else. God has blessed me with abundance through out my years at Multnomah and I am happy to announce that I have finished. I am officially done with my Bachelors, though I could have finished better, what matters is I finished, God provided me a job, and a group of friends that I couldn't even ask for. I have been blessed with what I've gotten and given. The next two years I am happy to say that I have become an adult, through perseverance and pursuit of the greatest thing ever, God and Independence within community. I have learned what it is like to be an adult, pay the bills, rent a property,  do well even though I felt like giving up and pursuing greatness when all hope seems lost. 

God, Thank you for allowing me to finish. Thank you for providing for my every need; even though I've been cranky unwilling and a pain in your butt many times. You've helped me to do well in my life. You've given me a reason to live. You've given me my friends, my family and my job. I pray that you continue to pursue me though sometimes I may fail, that you will continue to be my aid in my human existence though my desire is to give up.  Thank you for being there even when I wanted to throw in my towel. I love you. Thank You my friends who have always told me to continue trying in what I do. For telling me to sleep when I needed it, and for always supporting me in my endeavors. You are all awesome and I love you too. Thank you my family for supporting me financially and helping me with school last minute. Hopefully I can repay you some day... 

All of you have influenced who I have become as an adult. Becoming an adult is a never ending process in which the adventures will still be taking place and the tidal waves will still come in.