Loves Complicated, Truth Hurts, and Depression Sucks

Here is the biggest thing I know. I care... Possibly more than other people I know. Some times I am selfish, sometimes I am withdrawn. But honestly if you are having a crisis I am there. I have a habit in my life of sharing forthright what I think and what I believe. People consider this to be rude, unthoughtful, uncaring, unconcerned, unhelpful, abrasive, and down right in their business.

Now lets get to the title matter:
Love: this is usually described worldly by sex and the whole, "oh my goodness he's so hot." Do,  you think he likes me.... OK lets stop. What is Love?
Biblically which is the only way to describe it, because it was created first by God and is God can only be characterized by actions, ya know do things, because he/she wants too... what does the person do to show that they love me?
For me they cook, do the dishes, help with things, go out to the store with me, fold socks (thanks Mom). (This may be considered acts of Service) tells me how much they love me using past expressions of their love on paper. (Some call this words of affirmation) My personal favorite is when they don't have any time to spend with me they take time, sacrificing what they are doing: grades, homework, cleaning, art, etc, and then turning it into something the person wants to do, that maybe they don't want to do.  Giving random gifts and or touch.


People ask me for advice I give it, I give my time, my money and my life for some people. I respond to things that people do as if they were my child. Maybe that is wrong to do, maybe it is wrong to care that deeply for people. But to watch them throw it all away, for what one potential relationship, one thing: to feel whole, to feel happiness for a blip of a moment, to crave intimacy where there is none. OR when people think I don't care, because I like to watch them be tortured by something: a movie, a forgetful move.... Yes, my desire is to torture you! I want to destroy your every being.

OF COURSE NOT! My desire is to enjoy my time with my friends. God designed humans to be intimate with. Intimacy is not sex, it is to know people inside and out. He wanted that relationship with us as humans. Doesn't mean just complaining to him, or telling him what your freaked out about. It is about sharing the good, the bad, the ugly and even the most amazing high points in our life. How he showed us his love is by giving his child. How many of us can honestly say, "Oh! Here take my kid" (NO not the goat an actual child) Well God did, just for a relationship with us.

That is love, doing everything in your power to secure a relationship with anybody, in a deep non - sexually intimate way.

Truth Hurts:
This saying was said to me as a 6th grader when I was told that no one like me any more. I wore my heart on my sleeve then and I think I started tearing up. Some one came up to me and said, "some one told you the truth, hu?"
As a child I was like what why would truth hurt me? Well, constructive criticism is truth, and it hurts a good portion of the time, but the reason why it exists is so that we can learn to be a better person. (No the dialog above wasn't constructive.) I have the ability to provide criticism in a way that could be construed as hurtful and abrasive, and believe me I've gotten better since jr high/High School.

I have no problem in keeping people accountable if they ask, but if they ask they better be prepared for truth that comes out of my mouth. They need to understand that it is business what they say and I'll be with them every step of the way.

They ask advice I give it after thinking about it, or I wait to respond when I can so I can clearly think of something that could be useful from my heart.

There is a difference from asking advice and wanting sympathy. There is only so much of repetition that can be heard of before it gets to the point where I'm like I cant help you if you cannot do things, but you will have to figure out how to do this on your own. I am not a licensed counselor...

There is a reason why I stepped down from psychology and treatment facilities. It's too broken for a person with a sensitive soul. It kills them. It kills them emotionally, physically and mentally. This is where I was one-two years ago. This is why I am not a counselor, so I do not have to hear continuous, repeated scenarios that when asked advice and given are dismissed, so that the same mayhem continues.

If people don't take advice because it bothers them, or they wanted sympathy instead, it would be helpful for them to clearly state what they need at the time. There comes a time though that I will stop letting a dog lick its wound and actually help it heal. (if I was talking about a dog I would, but humans you cant force to do anything) Another words, if a person is causing themselves pain situationally, emotionally, physically, or what other way they can it needs to stop.

This truth hurts so much sometimes that people ignore it or even say please pitty me. 

Untreated Depression Gets Worse! Examples: you are looking for attention, and you don't get enough of it, or you want love, or have loneliness, or you have destructive thoughts, there's hope! People have degrees to help with your self esteem, loneliness, heartbrokenness, emptiness and ultimately depression and the worry that comes along with all of these. I honestly wish my personality was one to have what it takes to be a counselor, but it doesn't.

My personality is of mentorship. I will lead and guide preferably one on one. My relationship will not be abused, emotionally, physically, mentally or spiritually. If you need truth I'll say it if you need guidance I'll pray for it to be given to you and I.  My friends do not own my spirit, God does, by goodness, and HE is greater than any living soul in existence. I am his! Not Yours! You will not treat me like a relationship to abuse and manipulate, because I care!

Year recognitions: pt 1

I don't write on here much because I tend to voice my opinion out loud, and quite frequently.

As of lately I've been labeled, as a perfectionist, as an abrasive woman, and as a person who is walking their own path. For the most part this is true.

I believe God is the only perfect being. He gave his son to die for us, we just celebrated his birth. By no means will I ever be on this earth perfect. I can strive to do my best in all things, but only God can save me. Understanding that my ability to fulfil the desire to be successful and to be "like Christ" could become twisted and turn into my desire to control; my future, my friends, the things or desires I put my hope to, and even whatever path God has me walking down. There are reasons why I am a driven individual. I partially believe God has given me the ability to have vision for great dreams and to inspire others to achieve theirs, or even spark their interest into being who God wants them to be.

Instead of getting caught up in how am I going to get to these things I've figured God will show me when he's ready. He will, if not already, give me a partner in my life who will walk through these things with me. Right now I have a really great friends who see me struggle for what is right, noble and true. I don't know if what I do is right, but I'm figuring it out.

The majority of my life I've had anxiety and it has never been controlled. Part of that is because I feel like I am unable to write my story. Many of you have a saying "let go and let God". That only works well if you know what that means. I've tried it, but how many of us really let go? So many times I hear Christians say the "obvious" but they even bring up past circumstances that haunt them. Then they dwell on this and attempt to figure out how to get the best revenge.

I'm not here gain revenge, or to do something out of spite or evil intent. Sometimes I admit I think about such things, but everyone does. Sometimes I do things based on my caring personality, sometimes it is construed as overbearing and manipulative. I guess I've learned from the best.

There are times when attempting to love another person or doing something sweet oversteps their boundaries creating stale air. I know people are known to do this to me, instead of seeking out revenge, I need to learn to forgive and instead of requiring an apology with the other person, forcefully or any other way, know that God is the only one who can work in their hearts. Sometimes all you can say is what you said hurt me. Say then God it's up to you.

I cover up my insecurities by being abrasive, knowing what I want and coming out forthright in acknowledgement. Sometimes I attempt to change peoples opinions of things, so they see my side. It doesn't always work like this. Many times you'll share your opinion and the person is allowed to have theirs. Part of the abrasive personality is to appear controlling.

If I cannot control one thing (room, my time, crafts, who knows what about a circumstance) I have anxiety. I am in constant battle with myself if people assume or believe something about me that is or isn't true. For some reason I have to figure out what instance gave them that specific impression of me. Sometimes that impression is true, and I have to learn to accept it for what it is.

I don't like that it changes their beliefs about who I am, or about the path I am walking down.

I've been having dreams about people needing me and then all of a sudden not needing me. Usually in those dreams I have normalcy and then it turns to chaos or vice versa. I've had obstacle courses and it seems chaotic because a storm came, then I have to crawl through mud to find the treasure beneath or that was left. A creepy cave calls to me and I have to fight between seeking out what's in the cage or getting people to safety.

I have a desire to save people from the terrors they are facing. Sometimes.... well I am not the one saving. I have to realize I cannot save anyone from anything. Only God can. That when I need to forgive a person that hasn't realized it, to say God I need help comfort me.

I am not a perfect being, though I try. I am abrasive and I hope to understand when people need me to back off, or love them more, with tact and love. Sometimes I am stubborn and need to figure out things for myself. I know God loves me and he will help me understand my path...

He is in control and I want him to be, this new years I want him.

Suicide Lane

Have you ever had the opportunity to stand in the middle of a bridge, in between the opposing sides of traffic and feel the air whoosh by you? If you haven’t, I am not suggesting you do, but it has been how I have felt the past few months. For those of you who haven’t let me ask you this: have you been in a long car ride and have seen lines and things move but you are just hoping that you make it wherever safely? Maybe this would make more sense.

The feeling that I am getting at is immobility. A lack of ability to move from the location you are at, to a location you wish to go to. Some people would feel it and say that they were stuck, unable to move, yet wanting to grow. Others would say I am in the emergency lane waiting, waiting to move over so I can go to the direction I want to go, and that God wants me to go… that is if they believe in God.

Well that is where I am. Stuck somewhere in the middle, like a new driver, in the suicide lane, in between two lanes, and unable to move. There are things that have to happen in my life that I am unable to share. Some things I am so proud of I wish to shout from roof tops, but cannot. Other things that I am terrified to mention, but know I should. Some things that it just makes sense why I would never mention them on public media.

I do have a private life, which is probably why I have not written much on here lately. My life has been the same for a year: struggling to keep my knee stable from surgery, possibly going into another surgery, MRI’s, Doctors, Work (which I’ve had for 2.3 years), nightmares, church, youth group, Wonderful friends, and best friend. So my life is not perfect but it is the mundane middle class American with trauma. So to keep up with all of this it gets exhausting, expensive and frankly I don’t have time for much else.

I love my church, I love my friends, I love my crazy kids at work, school, home, and church. I love them all. Life just keeps throwing hard things at me that I don’t agree with and I am unsure how to respond. So right now I will stay driving in the middle lane until I find an opening to take my turn and drive, hopefully like a person would who was “Driving Miss Daisy”. That way I could enjoy what I am surrounded by take it in and accomplish driving down one street in the maze of my life. But until then I am stuck in the suicide lane watching people move on.

Lullabies: "Grieve to Love to Live"

There are those we wish farewells and goodbyes. Others we say see you later or soon after when we meet. In the long run we choose to be long lasting in the relationships we are provided. Fortunate and unfortunate events happen creating circumstances that would fold into undesirable outcomes. But all needs to be processed and provided. Grief, love, anger, hope, trust and fear are meant to be felt. No longer shall we shy away from thoughts or needs that have been pushed aside by others. But a need to express the desires, needs, and expectations we have to survive and no one should shut that down.

As humans we have needs and selfishness takes over when needs aren't met and compassion drys up. Humans are humans we all suck at something and need others to step up to preform on what we are not good at. To sit back and watch abuse is not an option that should be expected, and if such actions take place than those experiencing abuse should be able to fight their own way out if no other help can be given. To be selfish and narrow minded never solved or progressed any society. Man up and deal with your own actions, their feelings, thoughts and desires are their own, no one else's, but in that they need to know that one cannot walk it alone.

Grief and struggles are ment to be walked through and sifted; though messy it needs to be done for a purer form of hope, trust and accomplishment can be made. When has it ever helped that we were separate? Maybe we should support one another in encouragement and possibly love, to accomplish greater things. Put down differences and aggression. Feel your feelings and express needs for yourself and those you see struggling.

Maybe then we don't have to truly write the words of expectant lullabies that lead people to forever sleep. But grow a better world where good byes are simply, see you laters.

Then maybe we can live.

Why I am a Polar Bear: White and Muddied

Okay! So this is going to be interesting. But 90% of you know I believe in God, so when asked, "what is your spirit animal?" From a tribal culture, I wasn't really sure what to say, thank God I was last.

MY RESPONSE: "A Polar Bear!"

I did not know why at the time I said this, but it was the first thing that came to my head, to be honest.

So tonight I finally looked it up...

This is what it said (Summary):

Polar Bear mimics human motion, ferries souls to the other side of death, they are an example of transformation/being renewed. The bear spirit is tremendously powerful, and replete with themes of transformation, camouflage (being part of the background and coming out of it in style [power]), and patience. They know how to be still, and have a great connection with children. Another aspect is that they have strength to move through harsh circumstances. We are Self-sufficient and reliant.

**Personal thoughts: I would have to agree.

1. Half the time I honestly believe I can mimic people's emotions when I am aware of my surroundings, and I can relate to people easily.

2. I love the idea of transformation and being renewed. As Christians we are expected to go through this transforming process, to be renewed and filled with the spirit.

3. I don't always like the power I have been given, and ask for it to be taken. I think though it is a sword, painful when used, shaped to perfection creates clean cuts when used correctly.

4. Patience....well I think I could always use more of this... This is one thing I think we could all use more of.

5. I know how to relax and dwell on God... "Be still and Know I am God" - Psalms 46:10 **The biggest problem is I do not always use it, I dwell on my friends and cannot focus on the basic needs surrounding my life.

6. Connecting with children: Tonight 2/20/15 a child no more than two kept staring at me in a restaurant. I finally made a funny face and he just laughed, and his mom was so confused. It was awesome! ^^

7. Harsh Circumstances- Life is sometimes a pill, you think you are succeeding but in reality your possibly taking 11 steps forward after 10 backwards.

8.  Self Sufficient- I try to be. Maybe even to a fault. I don't like accepting help for things and I don't like being portrayed as weak... Maybe its pride and maybe its how I think.

9. Reliant- everyone has requests, 90% of the time I believe they have been completed. People rely on me to be something, and others... well they see me in relying on them.

"Take my burden upon you, so you can learn from me and find rest with in your souls, my yoke is easy and burden is light"- Matthew 11:29

Potential Characteristics of a Polar Bear: Skill, Magic, Power,  Wisdom, Strength, Strategy, Cunning, Survival, Initiation, Isolation, Transition, Extremes, Humanity, Vigilance, Endurance, Playfulness, Compassion, Adaptability, Independence, Introspection, Determination, Contemplation

I think this fits right now in my life... I am a giant, polar bear, that could be a little muddy, but with a clean coat, white as the snow.

God makes us who we are, and according to these descriptions they fit wonderfully! May God continue to grant wisdom and courage in my life as I am flexible in my daily living and how I handle every circumstance.
May he guide you humble readers on how to best lead lives successful and passionate. May god grant you patience and guidance in your endeavors.
<3 Christine

Refusing Vanity

Here I am again, another December unsure of where I stand. Yes it has been a year from my surgery, a year and a half at my job, and I don't know where it will take me. But alas here I am on this journey of life.

Guess what?! I can run! My knee works well enough tor sprint! I can dance, I love to dance, it creates a type of freedom that I've never expected. You know what else? I'm going to try to ice skate! What I am so excited about is that there is some free time in my life I can accomplish something amazing, but I don't know what.  But whatever it will be, will be amazing, because God made us amazingly complex, and it will be ok.

So what if it is a basic mindset, I survived. I never expected to need surgery at 26. I never expected that I'd date who I have dated in the past few years, and the past few years have been amazing! I've had supportive friends and family, who don't always like to hear me complain, I have people in my life who are rooting for my success, and just like every one else, they do not know what it is! But who cares, life is for the living who strive to do their best.

Here is what I wish to strive for... I want to be successful, not the financially successful that everyone thinks of... You know the kind that rolls around in the dough and flaunts it every where. Yes my car needs a new paint job, but it at least drives, that is the biggest thing!

What I mean by successful is that I want to have a family, be able to support the family by limited means, to be able to budget, to give God what is his and to believe and have faith he will provide for me, and that I will see value in the things I already have. I want to be successful at being generous... WISELY GENEROUS! I want to be able to say yes to exciting adventures, to look through a peephole in the door and say, "There! There my dears, that is where I want to go!". Traveling can be my freedom, just like friendship, family, seclusion, reading is for everybody else, traveling will be mine. To literally escape from the pressures of every day life, where finances are still existing but not staring me in the face. I want to be able to hide and recoup. To say, "hold on" to today and say, "I'll do this later" and be able to pick up what needs to be done a little later and do it, with out regrets.

I think our culture is a demanding culture. One that says I need everything NOW and if I don't get it I am gonna physically, verbally, emotionally do SOMETHING about it. Stop demanding things, take a break, look at the flowers in the spring and their stripes that have danced on the petals that fall to the grass. Look at how the wind flows through the reeds and the sound that it makes as it moves them. How do the trees shake and quiver at the result of turbulence in a brilliantly sunny day? We, our culture has ruined nature and the beauty of it. A society of RUSHING will be a society of numbness to the natural sounds that come from the earth. Stop and enjoy the beauty, It will not be lasting forever, acknowledge the birds the trees, and the everything in between. I don't want a fancy life style, I just want to be free, free from the lies of a culture oppressed by the destruction of humanity.

I feel like sometimes I need to find a hut some place in the middle of no where with a lake, a road and a small village outside of where we live that has a store, with everything that we need. I want to break free of the lies of self satisfaction and breath the fresh air of relaxation and peace with a hope of honesty and trust. Unfortunately my life is this, day to day battle of bills, work, kids, family, friends, free time, me time and a lack of knowing what is next in life. Blinking neon signs that talk to us only exists in movies, and if we are lucky dreams. Right now I wish I had a sign.

I do not wish that my job is as intense as it is, I do not wish kids got that violent, I do not wish any harm to be done to them. What I wish is for them to find hope, and if I am supposed to be the hope for them, there will be a lack of it in the next couple months, because I am unsure of how I should encourage hope. Being verbally abused every day is not a huge thing I like to pursue, my mind is racing, I have nightmares, I cannot sleep, having things thrown at me, coming home and not being able to sleep due to xyz in the house or outside of it. Any time I hear verbal aggression towards another person I either want to curl in a ball and cry or run up and destroy the person, but outside of work it is none of my business.

Being on a verge of breaking down every minute is not fun, and what they do not know is that every day burnt out individuals come to work, working with violent individuals who don't care and are even more demanding than our already demanding culture, and sometimes I just want to say to them they will never succeed in their lives by how they are acting now. I want to be a voice of reason, where none can be found. I want to teach these kids the skills they need. I am finding however, that they don't want to learn, for fear, for lack of empathy, for compassion, for emptiness. The only way I know how to solve those problems is how I have, but I am not allowed, and it would be used against me.

So everyday, I get up say, "You have to do this, for them." James 1: 27, " Religion that is pure and undefiled before God, the Father, is this: to visit orphans and widows in their affliction, and to keep oneself unstained from the world." Empathy? Love? Encouragement? Pain. All of it is caused pain on people, and my job is to understand the pain and care for the pain with out being affected by the worlds I NEED IT NOW standard. So this is what I ask.

God give me the patience to continue my path. Give me strength so I can endure the road. Provide me the hope I need to go through daily struggles of past, present and future. Help me to have you as my crutch, and to survive but not be in survival mode. Help me to be grateful for what I have, who I am with, and where I've come from. Help me to lead and not follow, control my tongue (which I think is a funny spelled word). Teach me resilience and kindness. Teach me generosity. Above all help me show love in an nonjudgmental way that you could only do, because I am right now struggling to stay above water, as I cannot sleep, eat half the time, or focus on things that need to be accomplished, I cannot do these things. Show me love in the deepest of ways, so I can continue providing those with hope who need it. I do not wish to bee known by my job, but by my actions.  My life will not be in vain.

Merry Christmas/Happy New Year... Find something Joyous to celebrate!

Confidence And Strength Are Not My Own

People say that I have strength in me that they wish they had. I can see what they mean, I carry myself like I know where I am supposed to be and what I am supposed to do. However, I do not believe that my expression is an adequate description of who I am.

Overall I am just one terrified creature that does the best that she can in life. I am unsure of where my future goes and not completely sure of whom I am yet. I’m sure 80yr olds feel similar sometimes. Here is the thing though, I tend to be confident in the moment. If some one gives me a reason to doubt who I am, I’d examine it, see if it is an adequate description, and move on however it seems fit.

Most of the time I tend to see it as an opportunity for growth. This has changed over the years. First I’d think, “Oh, they don’t like me!” and go pout about it. Then I looked at it as,  “Why do they like me?” and be really sad for the next day and cry.  Then it turned into anger in which it turned into, “Well if I cant find anything wrong with what I did, which I’ve tried hard to find, they can go dance in their own personal space, I’ll do my own thing”. This is a nicer way to say I stuck my finger in the air and walked away.

People are not always worth your time and many of them break you down instead of building you up. Yes, there are times when the break down of ones character is necessary, but sometimes assessing the situation first will help to know which is better.

I get into a funk every once in a while, sometimes those funks are stupid and pathetic. Like I was buying shoes and I just kind of walked off in an irritated manner. Yes I thought that I’d be out in like a few seconds. Yes, I did have expectations of the other person. Did I discuss those with them? No, so why should I hold that individual accountable for how I felt, I shouldn’t. Sometimes I just need a person to say, “Christine, you need to snap out of it, because you’re treating people like shit.” which is totally true. This is the case of breaking down my character, because I might be portraying an aspect of frustration of mine in a completely inappropriate way. This needs to happen.

What about the aspect of bullying? We are our own worst critics- this is the most honest true statement ever. I am my worst enemy. I battle within myself attempting to fight my alter ego, ego, or me, many times I win, the I is the most correct choice at the time. Sometimes Jackie wins (the alter ego that tries to destroy those who love me the most) which may or may not be needed at the time.

Here is the thing though, people confuse themselves. Are you going to be a light to them to discover who they are, or are you going to be the one who breaks down the good character found in them destroying their future. Build peoples confidence. We already have enough doubt in the world. Find something to believe in and go with it, figure it out so you know what you suck at, what you’re good at, those people who build you up, keep them. Keep the wise counsel that creates a deeper sense of character, who can say “Hey you’re acting like an Ass right now, stubborn and you need to re-evaluate where your life is going”. These people are just as important as the encouragers, who build you up.

They both build on each other. Wise council balances the ego and the pride to be lowered when it gets too high. Encouragers build it up. It’s all about balance.

When I went to Multnomah, I needed council and my life seemed to be distressing and distant, I appreciate, the leaders that took the time to guide me through that aspect of my life, and my friends to say, “It will work out, we serve a faithful God who will guide you through this.”  With out both of them I would not have made it to the supposedly confident person I am today.

At Multnomah I learned to cut out people who dragged me down and said that I wasn’t worth their time, remove myself from devious situations, and say I got this, my bad attitude of F*@# OFF or otherwise known as just being a complete witch, well has gotten me out of my mess. Encouragers, we still need you, wise council don’t ever leave us, because we cannot guide ourselves.

You are all the reason why I am, who I am today. Those who judge us and put us down, through manipulation, abuse, anger, yelling, You will not take our power, I will never give up, and those who are trapped in it I implore you to seek refuge and help, from your mind, the attacker, the abuser, manipulator, and your doubt. Doing nothing won’t allow you to succeed; it will trap you, consume you, and not allow you to escape. Find wise council, and true supportive friends, find out who you are, and let yourself shine, then, and only then will you succeed.

1 Cor 4:3-4
³ I care very little if I am judged by you or by any human court; indeed, I do not even judge myself. ⁴ My conscience is clear, but that does not make me innocent. It is the Lord who judges me.

 

My strength, is not my own. I am not confident in myself, but rather what I believe in.