Family

Well it is that time, I waited two days shame, shame. But at the same time I've found out more scandle about my family than I think I ever wanted to know. So n So had an afair with Bla Bla, some one tried to shoot some one else, and the list goes on.
On friday I was able to go to the zoo for special events that had to do with band covers and booze. Being that it was all free I decided why not. She got some great pictures of me. My aunt said she would not be suprised by my life she says she hardly gets supprised by anything. She continues an said, "Now if you said you became an axe murder, then I'd be suprised."
I asked her if thinking about it would be sufficiant and in response she just goes "OOOO NOOO"
It is also interesting that there is more than one gay, bi, lesbian, in my family. who knew a family could have so many or suspisions regarding it. Oh yeah and the amount of afairs is amazing. So things that run in my family: affairs, suicide, depression, people working in Psychology/Mental Health, the gay community, the artistic ability, abuse, animosty....Possibly even gullableness.
On that note I'm going to tell a brief story. My grandma heard a story that my grandpa had said... "one day I was sitting there smokin, but because I din have a pipe i carved a corn stick n started smoking through it" So one day he over heard her and said Gert I was kidding. She was so mad and flabbergasted. "
According to the schoonover side we come from a line of "bastards" (litteral translation) we have no father. But apparenly my family has other ties that are un ethical, which I won't get into due to political arguments and wars. I found out I am part of the DAR and could be on both sides of the family.
I also found out that part of me is from holland and when my family came over they named what is now NYC, The new amsterdam. Assumption: I came from amsterdam. Though I am super german I think I would really enjoy learning about my ethnic culture and other things.
I am curious on how they would concider me as purbread or a mutt. I am unsure, dont really care. For me, culture is made up of so many different veriables that it is hard to encounter the total essance of what culture really is.
I want to learn about my family reunions from my grandmas side and go to a castle in Germany to celebrate. I believe that would be the best part about it.

Assisted Suicide

Assisted suicides tends not to be something that people look at as an option. Majority of the states say that it is illegal to commit suicide, which that alone is a complicated topic. This will no be a research paper but an opinion based topic that I hope to shed light on: particularly with the complications that come attached to it.

Here is the senerio. Three people siting on a plane all right next to each other. So it becomes a little tense when anyone talks about suicide. The terminology in regards to what it is actually called and for medical suffering I cannot remember. Besides the point. Back to the plane scene, the middle person mentions how their parent and their parent all suffered from Alzhiemer. In the end they realized that there is no helping them.

Most Alzhiemer patience understand that there is something happening to their brain and they have no controll over it. Like in the movie Allegiant, there was a scene where a person's mind has been wiped clean. I can oonly assume that is how it is for those with Alzhiemer.

The one in the middle we'll call them 2 said, "When I get to the age where I am losing mmy memory and there is nothing lleft then I want to die." Two continnude to talk about how this desease effected them and how the state of living comes down to nothing. Two didn't want to loose their dignety. They didnt want other people to have to change them and they didnt want their money to go toward care taking. See I also understand that.

Here is the thing that makes me nervous about if a law like that passes, a law that is currently only for those with severe suffering. If it becomes broaden to those who have lost either all bodily functioning or all brain capacity how are we to secure the safety of mental health. They already have struggles with understanding that there is a choice. If we add a law regarding this who would say that the people with mental illness wouldnt cheat the system and use this new law and say their mind has left the body or that  their is no process going on inside the body or vice versa, who could say that the behavior of those who commited suicide was right or wrong.

Honestly I think it would be an ok idea as long as the proposal was written correctly to explain everything that could be taken advantage of.

** note I've not done  sufficient research in this area, but it's a concern if a loose law was passed.

Loves Complicated, Truth Hurts, and Depression Sucks

Here is the biggest thing I know. I care... Possibly more than other people I know. Some times I am selfish, sometimes I am withdrawn. But honestly if you are having a crisis I am there. I have a habit in my life of sharing forthright what I think and what I believe. People consider this to be rude, unthoughtful, uncaring, unconcerned, unhelpful, abrasive, and down right in their business.

Now lets get to the title matter:
Love: this is usually described worldly by sex and the whole, "oh my goodness he's so hot." Do,  you think he likes me.... OK lets stop. What is Love?
Biblically which is the only way to describe it, because it was created first by God and is God can only be characterized by actions, ya know do things, because he/she wants too... what does the person do to show that they love me?
For me they cook, do the dishes, help with things, go out to the store with me, fold socks (thanks Mom). (This may be considered acts of Service) tells me how much they love me using past expressions of their love on paper. (Some call this words of affirmation) My personal favorite is when they don't have any time to spend with me they take time, sacrificing what they are doing: grades, homework, cleaning, art, etc, and then turning it into something the person wants to do, that maybe they don't want to do.  Giving random gifts and or touch.


People ask me for advice I give it, I give my time, my money and my life for some people. I respond to things that people do as if they were my child. Maybe that is wrong to do, maybe it is wrong to care that deeply for people. But to watch them throw it all away, for what one potential relationship, one thing: to feel whole, to feel happiness for a blip of a moment, to crave intimacy where there is none. OR when people think I don't care, because I like to watch them be tortured by something: a movie, a forgetful move.... Yes, my desire is to torture you! I want to destroy your every being.

OF COURSE NOT! My desire is to enjoy my time with my friends. God designed humans to be intimate with. Intimacy is not sex, it is to know people inside and out. He wanted that relationship with us as humans. Doesn't mean just complaining to him, or telling him what your freaked out about. It is about sharing the good, the bad, the ugly and even the most amazing high points in our life. How he showed us his love is by giving his child. How many of us can honestly say, "Oh! Here take my kid" (NO not the goat an actual child) Well God did, just for a relationship with us.

That is love, doing everything in your power to secure a relationship with anybody, in a deep non - sexually intimate way.

Truth Hurts:
This saying was said to me as a 6th grader when I was told that no one like me any more. I wore my heart on my sleeve then and I think I started tearing up. Some one came up to me and said, "some one told you the truth, hu?"
As a child I was like what why would truth hurt me? Well, constructive criticism is truth, and it hurts a good portion of the time, but the reason why it exists is so that we can learn to be a better person. (No the dialog above wasn't constructive.) I have the ability to provide criticism in a way that could be construed as hurtful and abrasive, and believe me I've gotten better since jr high/High School.

I have no problem in keeping people accountable if they ask, but if they ask they better be prepared for truth that comes out of my mouth. They need to understand that it is business what they say and I'll be with them every step of the way.

They ask advice I give it after thinking about it, or I wait to respond when I can so I can clearly think of something that could be useful from my heart.

There is a difference from asking advice and wanting sympathy. There is only so much of repetition that can be heard of before it gets to the point where I'm like I cant help you if you cannot do things, but you will have to figure out how to do this on your own. I am not a licensed counselor...

There is a reason why I stepped down from psychology and treatment facilities. It's too broken for a person with a sensitive soul. It kills them. It kills them emotionally, physically and mentally. This is where I was one-two years ago. This is why I am not a counselor, so I do not have to hear continuous, repeated scenarios that when asked advice and given are dismissed, so that the same mayhem continues.

If people don't take advice because it bothers them, or they wanted sympathy instead, it would be helpful for them to clearly state what they need at the time. There comes a time though that I will stop letting a dog lick its wound and actually help it heal. (if I was talking about a dog I would, but humans you cant force to do anything) Another words, if a person is causing themselves pain situationally, emotionally, physically, or what other way they can it needs to stop.

This truth hurts so much sometimes that people ignore it or even say please pitty me. 

Untreated Depression Gets Worse! Examples: you are looking for attention, and you don't get enough of it, or you want love, or have loneliness, or you have destructive thoughts, there's hope! People have degrees to help with your self esteem, loneliness, heartbrokenness, emptiness and ultimately depression and the worry that comes along with all of these. I honestly wish my personality was one to have what it takes to be a counselor, but it doesn't.

My personality is of mentorship. I will lead and guide preferably one on one. My relationship will not be abused, emotionally, physically, mentally or spiritually. If you need truth I'll say it if you need guidance I'll pray for it to be given to you and I.  My friends do not own my spirit, God does, by goodness, and HE is greater than any living soul in existence. I am his! Not Yours! You will not treat me like a relationship to abuse and manipulate, because I care!

Year recognitions: pt 1

I don't write on here much because I tend to voice my opinion out loud, and quite frequently.

As of lately I've been labeled, as a perfectionist, as an abrasive woman, and as a person who is walking their own path. For the most part this is true.

I believe God is the only perfect being. He gave his son to die for us, we just celebrated his birth. By no means will I ever be on this earth perfect. I can strive to do my best in all things, but only God can save me. Understanding that my ability to fulfil the desire to be successful and to be "like Christ" could become twisted and turn into my desire to control; my future, my friends, the things or desires I put my hope to, and even whatever path God has me walking down. There are reasons why I am a driven individual. I partially believe God has given me the ability to have vision for great dreams and to inspire others to achieve theirs, or even spark their interest into being who God wants them to be.

Instead of getting caught up in how am I going to get to these things I've figured God will show me when he's ready. He will, if not already, give me a partner in my life who will walk through these things with me. Right now I have a really great friends who see me struggle for what is right, noble and true. I don't know if what I do is right, but I'm figuring it out.

The majority of my life I've had anxiety and it has never been controlled. Part of that is because I feel like I am unable to write my story. Many of you have a saying "let go and let God". That only works well if you know what that means. I've tried it, but how many of us really let go? So many times I hear Christians say the "obvious" but they even bring up past circumstances that haunt them. Then they dwell on this and attempt to figure out how to get the best revenge.

I'm not here gain revenge, or to do something out of spite or evil intent. Sometimes I admit I think about such things, but everyone does. Sometimes I do things based on my caring personality, sometimes it is construed as overbearing and manipulative. I guess I've learned from the best.

There are times when attempting to love another person or doing something sweet oversteps their boundaries creating stale air. I know people are known to do this to me, instead of seeking out revenge, I need to learn to forgive and instead of requiring an apology with the other person, forcefully or any other way, know that God is the only one who can work in their hearts. Sometimes all you can say is what you said hurt me. Say then God it's up to you.

I cover up my insecurities by being abrasive, knowing what I want and coming out forthright in acknowledgement. Sometimes I attempt to change peoples opinions of things, so they see my side. It doesn't always work like this. Many times you'll share your opinion and the person is allowed to have theirs. Part of the abrasive personality is to appear controlling.

If I cannot control one thing (room, my time, crafts, who knows what about a circumstance) I have anxiety. I am in constant battle with myself if people assume or believe something about me that is or isn't true. For some reason I have to figure out what instance gave them that specific impression of me. Sometimes that impression is true, and I have to learn to accept it for what it is.

I don't like that it changes their beliefs about who I am, or about the path I am walking down.

I've been having dreams about people needing me and then all of a sudden not needing me. Usually in those dreams I have normalcy and then it turns to chaos or vice versa. I've had obstacle courses and it seems chaotic because a storm came, then I have to crawl through mud to find the treasure beneath or that was left. A creepy cave calls to me and I have to fight between seeking out what's in the cage or getting people to safety.

I have a desire to save people from the terrors they are facing. Sometimes.... well I am not the one saving. I have to realize I cannot save anyone from anything. Only God can. That when I need to forgive a person that hasn't realized it, to say God I need help comfort me.

I am not a perfect being, though I try. I am abrasive and I hope to understand when people need me to back off, or love them more, with tact and love. Sometimes I am stubborn and need to figure out things for myself. I know God loves me and he will help me understand my path...

He is in control and I want him to be, this new years I want him.

Suicide Lane

Have you ever had the opportunity to stand in the middle of a bridge, in between the opposing sides of traffic and feel the air whoosh by you? If you haven’t, I am not suggesting you do, but it has been how I have felt the past few months. For those of you who haven’t let me ask you this: have you been in a long car ride and have seen lines and things move but you are just hoping that you make it wherever safely? Maybe this would make more sense.

The feeling that I am getting at is immobility. A lack of ability to move from the location you are at, to a location you wish to go to. Some people would feel it and say that they were stuck, unable to move, yet wanting to grow. Others would say I am in the emergency lane waiting, waiting to move over so I can go to the direction I want to go, and that God wants me to go… that is if they believe in God.

Well that is where I am. Stuck somewhere in the middle, like a new driver, in the suicide lane, in between two lanes, and unable to move. There are things that have to happen in my life that I am unable to share. Some things I am so proud of I wish to shout from roof tops, but cannot. Other things that I am terrified to mention, but know I should. Some things that it just makes sense why I would never mention them on public media.

I do have a private life, which is probably why I have not written much on here lately. My life has been the same for a year: struggling to keep my knee stable from surgery, possibly going into another surgery, MRI’s, Doctors, Work (which I’ve had for 2.3 years), nightmares, church, youth group, Wonderful friends, and best friend. So my life is not perfect but it is the mundane middle class American with trauma. So to keep up with all of this it gets exhausting, expensive and frankly I don’t have time for much else.

I love my church, I love my friends, I love my crazy kids at work, school, home, and church. I love them all. Life just keeps throwing hard things at me that I don’t agree with and I am unsure how to respond. So right now I will stay driving in the middle lane until I find an opening to take my turn and drive, hopefully like a person would who was “Driving Miss Daisy”. That way I could enjoy what I am surrounded by take it in and accomplish driving down one street in the maze of my life. But until then I am stuck in the suicide lane watching people move on.

Lullabies: "Grieve to Love to Live"

There are those we wish farewells and goodbyes. Others we say see you later or soon after when we meet. In the long run we choose to be long lasting in the relationships we are provided. Fortunate and unfortunate events happen creating circumstances that would fold into undesirable outcomes. But all needs to be processed and provided. Grief, love, anger, hope, trust and fear are meant to be felt. No longer shall we shy away from thoughts or needs that have been pushed aside by others. But a need to express the desires, needs, and expectations we have to survive and no one should shut that down.

As humans we have needs and selfishness takes over when needs aren't met and compassion drys up. Humans are humans we all suck at something and need others to step up to preform on what we are not good at. To sit back and watch abuse is not an option that should be expected, and if such actions take place than those experiencing abuse should be able to fight their own way out if no other help can be given. To be selfish and narrow minded never solved or progressed any society. Man up and deal with your own actions, their feelings, thoughts and desires are their own, no one else's, but in that they need to know that one cannot walk it alone.

Grief and struggles are ment to be walked through and sifted; though messy it needs to be done for a purer form of hope, trust and accomplishment can be made. When has it ever helped that we were separate? Maybe we should support one another in encouragement and possibly love, to accomplish greater things. Put down differences and aggression. Feel your feelings and express needs for yourself and those you see struggling.

Maybe then we don't have to truly write the words of expectant lullabies that lead people to forever sleep. But grow a better world where good byes are simply, see you laters.

Then maybe we can live.

Why I am a Polar Bear: White and Muddied

Okay! So this is going to be interesting. But 90% of you know I believe in God, so when asked, "what is your spirit animal?" From a tribal culture, I wasn't really sure what to say, thank God I was last.

MY RESPONSE: "A Polar Bear!"

I did not know why at the time I said this, but it was the first thing that came to my head, to be honest.

So tonight I finally looked it up...

This is what it said (Summary):

Polar Bear mimics human motion, ferries souls to the other side of death, they are an example of transformation/being renewed. The bear spirit is tremendously powerful, and replete with themes of transformation, camouflage (being part of the background and coming out of it in style [power]), and patience. They know how to be still, and have a great connection with children. Another aspect is that they have strength to move through harsh circumstances. We are Self-sufficient and reliant.

**Personal thoughts: I would have to agree.

1. Half the time I honestly believe I can mimic people's emotions when I am aware of my surroundings, and I can relate to people easily.

2. I love the idea of transformation and being renewed. As Christians we are expected to go through this transforming process, to be renewed and filled with the spirit.

3. I don't always like the power I have been given, and ask for it to be taken. I think though it is a sword, painful when used, shaped to perfection creates clean cuts when used correctly.

4. Patience....well I think I could always use more of this... This is one thing I think we could all use more of.

5. I know how to relax and dwell on God... "Be still and Know I am God" - Psalms 46:10 **The biggest problem is I do not always use it, I dwell on my friends and cannot focus on the basic needs surrounding my life.

6. Connecting with children: Tonight 2/20/15 a child no more than two kept staring at me in a restaurant. I finally made a funny face and he just laughed, and his mom was so confused. It was awesome! ^^

7. Harsh Circumstances- Life is sometimes a pill, you think you are succeeding but in reality your possibly taking 11 steps forward after 10 backwards.

8.  Self Sufficient- I try to be. Maybe even to a fault. I don't like accepting help for things and I don't like being portrayed as weak... Maybe its pride and maybe its how I think.

9. Reliant- everyone has requests, 90% of the time I believe they have been completed. People rely on me to be something, and others... well they see me in relying on them.

"Take my burden upon you, so you can learn from me and find rest with in your souls, my yoke is easy and burden is light"- Matthew 11:29

Potential Characteristics of a Polar Bear: Skill, Magic, Power,  Wisdom, Strength, Strategy, Cunning, Survival, Initiation, Isolation, Transition, Extremes, Humanity, Vigilance, Endurance, Playfulness, Compassion, Adaptability, Independence, Introspection, Determination, Contemplation

I think this fits right now in my life... I am a giant, polar bear, that could be a little muddy, but with a clean coat, white as the snow.

God makes us who we are, and according to these descriptions they fit wonderfully! May God continue to grant wisdom and courage in my life as I am flexible in my daily living and how I handle every circumstance.
May he guide you humble readers on how to best lead lives successful and passionate. May god grant you patience and guidance in your endeavors.
<3 Christine